Out here in the middle, if you go out of town,
your neighbors look out for you.
They'll bring in your mail, water your plants,
and sometimes they even take care
of your dead aunt's emphysemic old dog.
Oh, she was no problem at all.
Oh, wow!
Where's the wagon? And the oxygen tank?
You know what?
After a few days, she just perked right up.
And we weaned her off all the pills.
You just needed to regenerate lung tissue, didn't you?
Oh, yes, you did!
And the diaper?
Yeah, she hasn't had any accidents.
But we could still use it when we want to sleep in, right?
I guess.
Oh, and we've been feeding her only chicken and rice.
I figured you wouldn't get to make any till tomorrow,
so here's some to give her for dinner.
Wow. She looks so young and vibrant.
Maybe I should stay with you for a few days.
Okay, Doris, you ready to come home?
Ohh!
Doris, come on. Oh.
What are you supposed to be?
Dad, I told you... it was '60s day at school.
I'm a hippie...
but the good-girl one, not the druggy one.
It's spirit week,
so we dress up as something different every day.
Didn't you notice yesterday I was dressed as a baby?
Sure, Sue. Let's say I did.
Well, apparently, Doris would rather live
over at the Donahues' than here.
Get in line, Doris.
Do we know what we're having for dinner?
Chicken and rice.
Don't tell Darrin. I'll meet you in the bedroom.
Okay. I'm gonna go change out of these groovy duds.
Peace out, my brothers.
That's '60s, right?
Mrs. Heck, I need to talk to you
about a matter of extreme importance.
As you know, Saturday is Valentine's day.
Or, as we call it, Saturday.
Well, I'm planning
a big Valentine's day Scavenger Hunt for Sue,
and I need your help.
Ohh. Really, Darrin?
No, it's super-small...
only 10 locations and a surprise at the end.
So I'm gonna need you at a bench in the mall in a cowboy hat.
Yeah. I'm not doing that.
Okay, would you be willing to give her the first clue here?
That, I can do.
Great. I'll get my mom to do the mall thing.
She's always there power-walking.
Anyway, I'm gonna go sit on the couch now.
Pretend like nothing happened.
I'm just whistling for no reason.
Who am I to throw stones?
Hey, Brick. So, what about you?
You doing anything with Cindy for Valentine's day?
Oh. Right. Cindy.
I'm not sure we're still going out.
What do you mean, you're not sure?
I don't know. We haven't really talked for a few months.
Why? Did something happen?
No, nothing I can think of.
She might have been sick for a while.
Or she moved.
No, wait... she sits behind me in homeroom.
Well, before I go to the drugstore
and drop 99 cents on a box of candy,
it'd be nice to know.
Cindy, are we still going out?
Yes.
Okay.
Ooh. Hey, check this out.
Canned cheese on cheese.
Oh. Huh?
Mm.
So... Saturday's Valentine's day.
Ugh. Valentine's day. Bleah!
Yeah.
You want to do something?
No. I hate Valentine's day.
Seriously, don't get me anything,
or I'll punch you in the neck.
Really? Not even flowers?
You get me flowers, I'll make you eat them.
Heart on a cracker? Huh?
I knew there was a reason I liked you.
Okay, you know what?
The Donahues aren't that great.
We treat you pretty good around here.
You don't think I'd like to lie on the couch all day
and chew on an old belt?
I would.
Well, I checked,
and Cindy and I are definitely still an item.
Shoot. Then I guess you're gonna have to do something.
Will I? It's on a Saturday. I won't even see her.
Brick, people who like each other
like to spend time together.
Mike! I'm talking to your son about dating! Get in here!
No.
Mike, seriously, get in here! Talk to your son!
No! I've got nothing to add.
Look, if you really like Cindy...
Oh! The chemistry between us is undeniable.
Then you got to do a little something,
even if you just invite her over and take her out for ice cream.
Well, I do like ice cream, and I do like Cindy,
so it's pretty likely I'd enjoy those things together.
Seems like a solid plan.
Ooh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Look, there's no question what we have
is a deep and special relationship,
but it's not "chocolate-covered strawberry" special.
These are for my lady.
Really? Oh!
I just thought you'd found a fun new way to eat fruit.
I didn't know you were dating anyone.
Hells yeah.
I've been laying some serious groundwork
with Macy from my history class...
two dates and counting.
And she's already got you doing stuff for Valentine's day.
Sucka!
Don't "sucka" me, sucka.
You got a straight-up girlfriend.
You're in deep on the 14th.
Nope. I am totally off the hook.
Devin doesn't want to do anything.
Yeah, right. No, really.
She told me if I got her anything,
she'd punch me in my neck, and I like my neck.
Seriously, Axl, how long have you been a dude?
There is no woman on earth
who doesn't want something for Valentine's day.
Me, I'm going all out...
roses, a bracelet, then I'm cooking her dinner
and making reservations at a nice restaurant.
Wait... you planned all that?
You guys only went on two dates.
It's Valentine's day, son...
the day upon which all men shall be judged.
Devin said she didn't want anything!
You hearing this, Kenny? You hear what this guy's saying?
Cindy, do you want to come over for Valentine's day
- and go out for ice cream? - Okay.
And then you'll kiss me.
So...
You will not believe all the crap Hutch is going through
for this Macy girl for Valentine's day.
Bracelet, cooking her dinner... dumb, right?
I don't know... it is kind of sweet
to think of somebody going to all that effort.
Really?
No, you big tool!
I told you I hate Valentine's day.
Bleah!
Seriously, character day was awesome.
All the football players dressed up like Disney princesses!
You know, I never used to understand
why football players dressed up like women was so funny,
but now that I'm a senior, I totally get it.
Speaking of special days,
did I overhear you and Darrin discussing Valentine's day
and some kind of surprise?
Not sure I know what you're talking about.
I definitely don't.
'Cause I casually mentioned to Darrin
that there's this sweater I like
with the word "believe" written across it,
and back then, I said I wanted the blue one,
but now I really want the red one,
so if he happens to ask again,
that's the one I definitely want.
But... Didn't hear it from me.
Brick, are you okay?
You haven't touched Doris' food.
Cindy expects me to kiss her in two days,
and I'm very apprehensive.
What are you talking about?
You kissed that girl in north Carolina.
No, I was the kissee. I've never been the kisser.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
It's like handing me the keys to a jet plane
and just saying, "fly."
Brick, it's not that hard.
I-it just sort of happens in the moment.
I need more than "it happens in the moment."
I can't be spontaneous unless I plan for it.
It's not a big deal.
You just stand there, close your eyes, and lean in.
But if my eyes are closed, how will I know where the target is?
Well, you know where lips are, don't you?
You've been looking at faces your whole life.
He really hasn't.
You know, Brick, you can keep them open,
and then once you get there, you can close them, right, Mike?
Yeah, that's fine.
What's fine?!
Okay, so then I leave them open, but what then?
W... I-I don't know. It's not that specific.
I think we're slicing too thin here.
You just have to kind of... feel it.
W-what's this?
What am I supposed to do with my hands?
Well, there's a lot of options for your hands,
but you're a kid,
so focus on the back/upper-shoulder area.
Um, she's tall, Mike. That's not gonna work.
Oh, God, you're right. Cindy's got 2 feet on me easy.
Don't worry, Brick. Look at your dad and me.
There's a huge height difference, and we make it work.
Here, we'll show you. Here. Come here.
Okay, I'll be you, and your dad's Cindy.
I don't want to be Cindy. Why can't I just be a tall guy?
'Cause I'm the guy.
All right, fine. No one's anyone.
You're just some random tall person,
and I'm a generic short person.
Nothing weird,
just two genderless strangers kissing in front of a boy.
Fine.
No, no, no, stop. I'm supposed to be the kisser.
Okay, Brick, now, you want to pull Cindy to you,
but you're gonna need something to grab onto.
Oh! I know! She has that safari hat.
So you can just grab the hat flaps.
Okay, I'm gonna pretend
your dad's ears are the hat flaps, okay?
Mm?
Then mmm.
- Mmm. - Oh, God!
Look away, Brick! Look away before you turn to stone!
We're not kissing because we want to.
It's for teaching purposes.
You shouldn't be doing that.
Now he's gonna associate kissing with something gross.
Look, nobody told me what to do.
Just let him just fumble his way through it, like everybody else.
Cindy wants me to kiss her.
And you went to mom and dad instead of me? Rookie mistake.
Okay, smart guy, what's your brilliant advice?
I say get it over with early in the date.
That way, all the pressure's off.
If you wait too long, you get too nervous.
Actually, Brick, that's a good idea.
Don't agree with me, mom. It wrecks my point.
Look, the hardest part
is trying to know whether or not she wants to kiss you,
and you already know she does, so you're golden.
Just put your mouth on her mouth.
And remember this code I made up...
keep it simple, stupid.
Oh. I get it... k-i-s-s. "Keep it simple, stupid."
Oh, yeah. I never thought about that.
Wow! I am good.
Okay, listen.
I got to say something, but I don't want you
to get all weird and overly excited about it.
I won't. What is it?
I need your advice.
Ooh! Whoo!
Okay.
Would you just be cool?
I'm cool. Totally cool.
Just... just so happy right now.
Okay, so, Devin says she doesn't want anything for Valentine's day,
but then Hutch says every girl wants something,
and I just really like her, and I don't want to blow it.
Okay. Okay.
So that's the question on the table...
"says no, might mean yes."
And you've come to me, your mom, to help you figure it out...
which I love, by the way.
Mom! Okay. Got it.
Um, well, you know, I had a birthday party once,
and I said I didn't want any presents,
but I got them anyway, and I totally loved it.
Then again, she's not me.
She might really mean what she says.
I mean, sometimes I mean what I say.
See, it's like with your dad. You know, we have our thing.
We know what we do.
You'll understand when you're married...
maybe to Devin, who I picked out for you.
Goodbye.
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
No, no! Don't go! I wasn't ready!
I was just trying to get it right!
This was a hard one!
Okay, come back anytime. I love our talks.
Okay, while Sue's at Spudsy's,
I want to go over the plans for the Scavenger Hunt tomorrow.
Mrs. Heck, you're giving her the first clue.
You'll be here with doughnuts in the morning.
- Are you providing the doughnuts? - Yeah.
- Better make it two boxes. - Got it.
And, Mr. Heck, can you be at the Bowling Alley at 3:00,
holding a rose?
No.
Can you be at Claire's Boutique at the mall at 4:00?
No.
In the park with a balloon at 5:00?
No.
If you change "Bowling Alley," "mall," or "park" to "couch,"
then I'm your guy.
Awesome. Thanks for being so flexible.
Hey, I'm here.
Did you know there's throw-up on your steps?
Mm, yeah. It's supposed to rain tomorrow.
Oh.
Do you want to watch the game here,
or do you want to go to the union?
Actually, I know you said
you didn't want to do anything for Valentine's day...
Oh, no. Where do you want it... head or gut?
No. No, no, no, no, no.
We are not celebrating Valentine's day tomorrow.
However, today is World Radio day.
You don't have a problem with that, right?
I don't know. What is it?
Just some holiday I read about on Wikipedia.
I mean, it was invented three years ago,
so there's no lame traditions, like cupids or roses.
They don't even have cards for it. I checked.
Liking it so far.
Good.
So, in honor of World Radio day
and the special place you hold in my heart,
I give you...
This houseplant!
Why, thank you.
Well, to be fair, it came with the house,
and you might want to water it.
Next...
I made your favorite.
Three beef patties, stacked vertically,
ordered in window number 1, picked up in window number 2,
with fries and a side of fancy ketchup packets!
And here I thought I was gonna get nothing for Radio day.
Unh-unh-unh-unh.
Now, before we eat, I have one more thing to show you.
Follow me.
Oh, my God!
A bouncy house?!
Nothing says "World Radio day" like a bouncy house!
Right?
Whoo!
So you like it?
Are you kidding?! This is epic!
You know me so well!
So, uh, what'd you get me for Valentine's day?
Good morning.
Happy Valentine's day.
Oh! Happy Valentine's day, mom!
So, I've been told to deliver this.
Half a box of doughnuts!
Uh-huh.
"Hope your Valentine's day is a real ball.
"Your next clue's at Yankee candle
at Pioneer Galaxy Mall."
It's a Scavenger Hunt. Aah!
Isn't he the best boyfriend ever?!
Maybe there'll be a sweater at the end of this.
You told Darrin the red, not the blue, right?
You know what? Don't even tell me.
I want to be surprised.
Oh, to be excited about something.
Who schedules a kiss?!
You know what else is scheduled? Executions.
What I wouldn't give
to be a complacent married couple right now.
Lots of kisses led up to this freedom.
Am I running a fever?
'Cause if I am, I shouldn't do this.
Brick, calm down.
You calm down!
Oh, God. Why does she always have to be so prompt?
Yeah?
Hi, Brick. It's 2:00.
I was here at 1:47, but you said 2:00,
so I read your mail.
They're gonna shut off your water.
Oh. Huh.
Come in, Cindy.
Would you like to chat with my parents?
I thought we were going to go out for ice cream and then kiss.
Oh. Yes. I do recall that.
Ice cream, kissing.
That reminds me of a funny story.
But first, a beverage.
Aaah!
Okay. You are not going to believe where I've been...
the mall, the fire station, chip's motel and canoe rental.
The produce guy at the frugal hoosier gave me this clue.
"See if you can solve this quiz.
Go to where your dad always is."
No, no, no. You have to read it. Everybody's been doing it.
One guy did a French accent!
Oh.
I'll be doing a tired American.
"He's part of Boss Co., but he's not Axl or me.
You'll find the next clue across the stree... t."
Donahues' house!
And that's why I never use hand dryers in restrooms.
Well, that's all the small talk I got,
so I guess we should go.
Excuse me.
I'm about to be spontaneous.
Oh. Velcro.
I did not know they were detachable.
Smart design.
Oh, my God! Mike, it's happening!
He went in early, like Axl said.
Hey, that's my boy.
Oh, wow. They're still going.
And they're still going.
Mike, we did teach him about stopping, right?
I didn't think we had to.
I think we had to.
I mean, they're not even moving their heads.
They're like statues.
Look at her neck. That's got to hurt.
Frankie, I think we should break this up.
No, that'll be embarrassing.
Maybe we should just go out to the car.
You know, when they see us, they'll probably stop.
What are we going out there for?
We'll just say we're going to Walgreens.
Mike, did you lock the door?
Yes, I did.
What did you want to get from Walgreens?
Uh, we need toilet paper.
Oh, yeah.
Now what?
Well, we do need toilet paper.
Guess we're going to Walgreens.
There's my Valentine!
Darrin! Ooh!
This has just been the best day ever!
All the clues, and everybody's been so nice.
Well, the manager at the Bowling Alley had a little 'tude,
but there were four parties going on today,
so I totally get it.
But I can't believe
you set up all these things in all these places,
and I don't even know where we are now.
Where are we?
The last stop in your Scavenger Hunt. Come in.
Surprise!
Welcome to my house.
What?
Well, you know, I've been working hard
and saving my air-conditioning money,
so I bought this house.
Just closed on it yesterday.
Oh, wow.
I mean... Wow!
It's great, 'cause the kitchen and the living room
are in the same room, and back there's the bedroom.
It's nice how the bed touches all four walls.
Yeah. Now I never have to worry about falling off the bed.
And look... this folds down into a kitchen table.
These fold into seats.
Oh.
And this folds down into a couch.
Ah.
Do any of them fold down into a sweater?
You know, today is Valentine's day,
and we haven't even talked about you and me.
Yeah, well, you know.
So... I got you a little something.
Aww.
Well, it just so happens I got you a little something, too.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
Hey! Sports Illustrated. Thank you.
Ooh! French onion Pringles!
Guess you're not gonna be kissing me tonight, hm?
Ooh! You got the Tweezers I wanted!
Yeah, well, you've been mentioning it, so...
All right! A giant remote so I can see the numbers!
Aww.
And you always say
how embarrassed you are to go into the lady aisle.
Happy Valentine's day, Frankie.
Mmm. Happy Valentine's day.
So, you think it's safe to go home?
Yeah. They got to be done by now.
Wow, Darrin.
Well, you're a homeowner. Congratulations.
This is so exciting for you.
Actually, Sue, there's one more surprise.
The house isn't mine.
It isn't?
No.
It's ours.
Sue Heck, will you marry me?
Okay. You're done.
Happy Valentine's day, Cindy.
Nailed it.
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www.tvsubtitles.net