[ Crow caws ]
Frankie: Going to college is an exciting time for every kid,
and no kid was more excited than Sue.
Yeah!
Oh, I'm going to college!
That was June.
Ohh.
[ Sighs ] Oh, my god.
[ Chuckles ] It's really happening.
I'm going to college!
That was July. [ Laughs ]
And then, the day was finally here...
Eeeeee!
...one week until she was going to college.
Fine. We can put one thing in the trunk.
I vote for Sue. [ Chuckles ]
That's okay.
[ Chuckles ] Bring it on, Axl.
Let's hear 'em.
You got six days to get out all the snarky comments
because I want to be surrounded
by nothing but kindness, sweetness, respect, and love
when you all take me on my ride up to college.
Well, that won't be a problem, as I will not be joining you
on the "dorkient" express.
What? Yeah, you heard me.
I have a week between school and football,
and I have elected to spend my final days of freedom
free of you.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You have to come.
The whole family came when you got dropped off,
and I want exactly the same.
This is an iconic moment, Axl.
I've already labeled a photo album
"Sue's college drop-off: The whole family drops me off
(an iconic moment)."
So...Yeah, it can't be reversed.
Yeah, it's not happening, Sue.
[ Door opens ] Mom!
Mike. Axl.
You don't even know what I did.
What he did is claim that he doesn't need
to come with us all to my college drop-off.
Look, when you guys came to me and begged me
to let Sue come to my school,
I was overly nice, as usual.
I gave you my blessing.
But now, in six days, Sue's gonna be poking
her big Sue head all up in my business,
and, until that happens, I'd like to enjoy
these last moments of Sue-less-ness...Sue-less!
Keep your pants on, Axl. It's not that big of a deal.
In fact, put your pants on.
Yeah, it's not a big deal to you guys
'cause you dumped her on me.
It's the ax-man's problem now. You washed your hands of this.
[ Gasps ]
I bet you didn't even look at other schools, did you, hmm?
This is probably part of your evil plan all along.
You done?
Okay, yeah, I am done now. [ Sniffs ]
Good. You're coming with us.
Oh, come on. And, Sue, you're coming with me.
Let's go. We got work to do.
Time to teach you how to balance a checkbook.
But...
Yep, all summer long, Mike had been dealing
with Sue's impending departure
by trying to cram 1,000 life lessons
into the little time they had left.
There's a lot of spiders in the world,
and I'm not gonna be there to kill them all for you.
One's poisonous, it bites you in your sleep,
you're dead.
Okay, late at night, you're broken down
on the side of the road, nobody in sight --
it's up to you to change this tire, or you're dead.
Hi, dad.
You didn't ask who it was.
Who it was is a dangerous stranger, and you're dead.
I can't believe I have checks.
Do you think I should sign them all now
so they're ready when I need them?
[ Sighs ] You're scaring me, Sue.
I'll give you your checkbook
when you prove you can balance ours.
Hey, there's my big 8th grader. How was the first day?
It was awesome.
I attended all my classes in the proper order.
And at the afternoon pep rally, I got to go, "'8th grade.'
say it a little louder now. '8th grade!!'"
and I didn't think the pizza bag could get any better,
but strapping it to aunt Edie's oxygen cart
has kicked it up to a whole new level of portability.
Yep, looks like the year of Brick is off to a great start.
Whoa. Whoa.
It can't be the year of Brick. It's still the year of Sue.
I thought the year of Sue was last year.
Sorry, Brick. It's the year of Sue.
No, it's the year of Brick.
I'm gonna end this right now. It's the year of the colts!
Done.
[ Sighs ] Oh, my god. Mom, can you believe it?
Can you believe your only daughter
is really leaving for college?
Sue, don't start.
[ Voice breaking ] I can't go there,
or I'll never stop crying.
Oh, my god. I'm sorry, mom. I don't mean to torture you.
[ Voice breaking ] I don't want to go there, either.
Okay, good. No one's going there.
How you doing balancing the checkbook?
Well, I must have done it wrong.
I have your balance at minus $11.
No, you did it right. It's us who did it wrong.
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
Mike: Hey, I taught her how to defend herself
in case someone tries to take her purse.
And she's pretty good at it. [ Sighs ]
[ Chuckles ] Well, maybe she's built up some aggression.
You have been kind of on her all summer.
I'm sorry, but until she knows all this stuff,
I'm not gonna feel comfortable sending her away.
Oh, man. Forget I said "away."
Don't go getting all weepy now.
[ Sighs ]
Here's the thing, Mike.
I'm fine.
What? Yeah.
About Sue leaving, I'm fine.
I'm really not that upset.
What? Yeah, I know.
It's bad, right?
I keep waiting for it to happen, and it just doesn't.
And I don't know why.
I mean, maybe it's because
I've already gone through it with Axl.
Maybe it's because I know the campus.
Maybe it'll just hit me later. I don't know.
But I'm not feeling anything.
Well, what was all that out there, then?
Hello?! Acting.
You don't get cast as ozian number four
at the Orson community theater unless you got some chops.
But, look, I just don't want her to feel bad.
You heard her. She's the second child.
She feels like she never gets the same as Axl.
[ Sighs ] It's just an iconic moment for her,
and I just don't want to short-shrift her.
Oh, my god.
This is one of the last times I'm gonna walk past your door
and say good night.
Honey.
I'm just gonna miss you so much.
Not a trillionth as much as I'm gonna miss you.
Aww!
[ Both smooch ]
Nothing.
You're a monster.
[ Sighs ]
Hi! What's your major?
Oh, that's cool.
Oh, this?
No, it just naturally curls this way.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, thanks. Your hair is cute, too.
[ Chuckles ]
So, are you going to that quad party later?
I totally think we can have fun without drinking.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Chuckles, gasps ]
[ Gasps ]
Mo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-m!
Oh, my god. This did not just happen.
Okay, okay. We can work with this.
Why did you buy a curling iron at a garage sale?
A new curling iron is like 8 bucks.
What is wrong with this family?
That is a question we're not gonna answer tonight,
but let's focus some of that energy
on what we can do something about.
You got 10 seconds to show me a square knot. Go.
[ Sighs ] Is it looking any better?
Tons -- it's really bouncy and light.
It's beachy. Time.
Really, Mike? Knots? Right now?
What? She's up anyway.
And, hey, I wanted to start on knots in June,
but you said she should enjoy life
before the stress of college kicks in.
And now this is her square knot.
That lifeboat she needed to anchor to the dock
just floated away. She's dead.
[ Gasps ]
Did a rat die in the furnace again?
It smells like burning hair. Whoa.
It's not my fault.
It's mom's cheap garage-sale curling iron.
Well, isn't this just perfect?
Take a physical oddity,
turn her into an emotional wreck,
dump her on me.
It's gonna be fine, Sue.
[ Sighs ] All we need to do is layer and bury the mistake.
Bury the mistake.
Well, I suggested that years ago,
but you guys said we had to keep her.
Okay, come on. Let's take a look.
[ Sighs ] I don't know what to tell you, Sue.
I mean, you'd think cutting hair in the middle of the night
with the poultry scissors would turn out better,
but it's not working.
You're just gonna have to either let it grow out
or really chop it off.
But I can't cut my hair.
My hair is part of my identity.
It's what I play with when I'm nervous
and sometimes chew on to taste my apple conditioner.
My hair is who I am.
Yeah, that's a tough one.
Let's ponder that while I teach you
how to reset a circuit breaker.
At this point, if we had to pick
whose year it was gonna be,
my money was on Brick.
He'd just discovered 8th graders don't need a hall pass
to go to the bathroom, which, for Brick,
meant a license to read without interruption.
[ Door opens ]
[ Footsteps approaching, shoes squeaking ]
Cindy: Brick, do you have a minute?
Cindy?
We've been going out almost a year now.
I think it's time to take our relationship
to the next level.
Okay?
[ Sighs ] Axl, I need your advice.
My god, I feel like I'm on one of those TV shows where the older brother
has to take care of the younger siblings
'cause the parents are dead or incompetent or -- ugh.
It's about Cindy.
Mm, what did she do --
eat all the leaves off the top of the trees?
Now she's roaming around hungry?
Oh, I get it -- 'cause she's tall.
Original stuff.
It's kind of urgent, actually.
She says she wants to take our relationship
to the next level.
Ooh!
She is a saucy one.
[ Chuckles ] So, what's the next level?
Well, that's the problem. She didn't say.
I know it's not talking to me while I'm pooping
'cause she's already done that.
Okay, Brick, well, what we're gonna want to do
is find out what level you're at now
and go up from there, so, where would you say you are now?
Wait, how many levels are there? About 47.
68 if you're in Europe.
You're gonna want to skip level 9,
and levels 12 through 15 require a stepladder and a car.
Hold on. Let me get a pencil.
So, the next day, after all those long months
of anticipation, the wait was finally over.
Well, almost.
Come on, Sue. What's the holdup?
Sue: Uh, I kind of did something,
and I'm not sure if I should come out.
I got this one.
Hey, Sue, listen, if you're second-guessing
going to college and want to just stay
in your room forever, I think that's a great instinct.
I'm sure mom and dad will get you some food every once in a while,
and maybe, some day, they'd find some prairie cult dude
who's willing to take you in as wife number three.
Okay, everybody just be honest
and tell me what you really think.
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
Ahhhhh...?
Ohh!
Wow!
Looks different.
I can see your neck.
I think you actually look a little less gross.
Really?!
Thank you!
You know, I-I-I-I was just in my room,
and I knew I had to do something
because mom really just made it worse.
I just took a deep breath, and I cut it off.
And it worked.
I feel like a whole new Sue.
You know, maybe, when god burns off your hair,
he opens a window.
Ohh, you just look so...Grown-up.
Ohh, mom.
[ Sighs ] I know this must be hard for you.
[ Voice breaking ] You have no idea.
♪♪
So we finally packed up the car to get Sue to college,
then realized we needed another car
and packed that one up, too.
You know, Brick, this is nice.
The two of us should have broken away from the family years ago.
It is kind of peaceful. Yeah.
[ Radio static crackles ] Sue: Hello? Over.
Pick up, car 2. This is car 1. Over. [ Snaps fingers ]
I already told you I don't want to do
your stupid walkie-talkie thing, Sue.
Axl,
when we dropped you off at college for the first time,
we were all in the same car.
And since we can't be, this is the next best thing.
Family communication is
an essential part of the experience being the same.
Now smile -- I want to get a picture
for my "Sue drop-off" collage.
[ Wind gusting ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ] Mike: Hey, hey, you're not paying attention.
Did you see the emergency phone at mile marker 43?
No. You're dead.
Okay, who wants to share their favorite Sue memory?
Over.
Not me. Over. How about you, mom?
Do you think you can do it without crying?
Oh, don't get me started. [ Chuckles ]
[ Sniffles ]
Axl: Sue, I actually have a two-part memory.
[ Gasps ] Ooh, Axl has a memory.
You are cleared on channel one for your Sue memory. Over.
The first part is how I saw you getting your diploma,
and I couldn't help smiling
'cause I was just so proud of you.
And the second part is...
[ Farts ]
[ Scoffs ] Axl, that was disgusting. Over.
Brick: It's worse back here. Over.
Can this be over? Over.
Actually, I have a question.
You're a go, Brick.
Well, Cindy said she wants to take our relationship
to the next level,
and Axl said I should figure out what that level is
and bump it up at least two levels,
but I'm not sure that's solid advice.
Mom, when you and dad were at level --
Brick, do not take any of Axl's advice.
Do you read me? Over.
I am simply informing him of the levels he'll have to master
if he wants to keep a girl like Cindy satisfied. Over.
All right, that's it. We're switching cars.
Pull over. Over.
Brick: I just don't want to blow this.
I really like her.
She gets my sense of humor. She's pretty.
She provides stability my family does not.
Plus, on hot days, I can walk in her shadow.
Shadow. Over.
Tell him this is what he needs to do.
He needs to ride his bike over to her house,
sit on her stoop, maybe offer her a piece of gum --
yeah, that's stupid. I'm not telling him that.
You know what? I'm just gonna ask her.
It's time I grab the bull by the horns.
After all, it is the year of Brick.
Hello?! Check the calendar.
It's not the year of Brick. It's the year of Sue.
And it's the drop-off of Sue, which she's been dreaming about
her whole life, but is now being ruined
because everyone is more concerned with Brick.
And there's only 29 minutes left,
and we haven't even shouted out
our top 10 Sue catchphrases yet.
I'll go first.
"Did someone say 'cake'?"
Remember that one?
No! I can't take it anymore!
I got to get away from these people.
♪♪
Axl, slow down!
[ Engine revving ]
Dad, tell him to slow down.
He's going out of walkie-talkie range,
and he's gonna get there before us.
And we all have to get there at the same time.
[ Tires squeal ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Air hissing ]
I have a new favorite Sue memory.
Knots, people.
I've been saying it all summer.
Knots are very important.
Sue: It didn't happen because of my knot.
It happened because of Axl's driving.
Why'd you have to go so fast, Axl?
I am just preparing you for a lifetime of men
who are gonna try to get away from you fast.
You're welcome.
Mike: Okay, the longer we stand here chatting,
the longer it's gonna take us to get back on the road.
So, Sue, you're up. Have at it.
Wait, what? Yeah, what?
Sue's gonna change the tire.
If she does it the way I taught her,
it shouldn't take long.
It did.
And we wouldn't be the Hecks unless...
There's no spare tire in there.
Oh, crap. We gave it to Axl.
[ Grunting ]
All right.
No, no, no, no, no! Come back!
[ Grunting ]
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! [ Grunts ]
Okay, so, now I just turn this.
[ Sighs ] Let's see, the lefty-righty-tighty-loosey.
Sue, we went over this. I know!
I just can't think when you're looming over me.
Come on, Mike. Would you just help her?
I am helping her.
I'm helping her by making her do it on her own.
I'm just not good under pressure!
Well, last time I checked,
there weren't too many relaxing emergencies.
Ugh! [ Tire iron clanks ]
I can't get the lug nuts off!
Please, just -- was I supposed to take them off
before I jacked up the car?
Just nod if it's a yes!
[ Screams ]
Dad!
Why are you doing this?!
Just change the tire!
Clearly, you've pawned Sue off on me
at the perfect moment 'cause you are losing your mind.
Sue, get in my car. We're going.
No, nobody talk to her. Nobody help her.
She's got to learn how to do this. [ Sighs ] Come on, Mike!
This is pointless.
I never learned to change a tire,
and my life turned out fine.
Did it, Frankie? Did it?
Come on. This is her day.
It's her first day of college.
No. She's got to learn.
All right, you know what? Axl is right.
You are going crazy.
You know, if you learned to just express an emotion
and tell your daughter that you loved her
instead of making her shut off the gas lines
and plunging toilets, we wouldn't be stranded
on the side of the road right now.
I'm sorry. I guess you're the expert on emotions.
Why don't you squeeze out a few more fake-o tears
so Sue won't know you're not really sad about her leaving?
[ Metal clatters ]
You're not sad I'm leaving?
What?!
How can you say that?
[ Voice breaking ] I am so sad right now.
I can't believe my little girl is leaving.
[ Whimpers ]
Okay, fine. I'm not sad right now,
but it's not because I love you any less than Axl.
It's just because I've been through it all before.
You'll see when you have kids.
[ Sighs ]
This is all your fault!
You just stole all mom's emotions!
You've been doing it your whole life!
Every time I do something, it's already been done by you!
You are just, like, one big, greedy
emotion dustbuster sucking up all mom's love!
This is the worst college drop-off ever!
This is nothing like how I pictured it!
[ Sighs ] Why not, Sue?!
This seems to be the way we do it!
You said you wanted the same as Axl,
and here we are -- fighting on the side of the road.
So, congratulations! You got your wish!
[ Metal creaks ]
Turns out, curling irons aren't the only thing
you shouldn't buy at a garage sale.
But on the bright side, Sue did get to use
one of her newly acquired life skills.
Okay, that's $35 even.
I just need to notate it in my ledger.
So, dropping your only daughter off at college, huh?
Don't say it. Don't say it.
Must be a pretty emotional time for you.
[ Radio static crackles ] Frankie: Hey, there, car 2.
Just seeing how you're doing back there.
Anybody got their ears on? Over.
Okay, Sue [Sighs]
I don't know what else to do, so I'm just gonna talk.
[ Sighs ]
You think I'm not gonna miss you?
How do you not miss someone you've held
since the first moment of their life
like a gift you've been given?
I mean, you even came wrapped.
Y-you're someone I've spent every day with
for 18 years...
Except for the three days at summer camp
that you won selling cheese and sausage,
six with grandma and grandpa,
and two when you ran away from home,
but we all knew you were living in your closet.
And then, this -- this gift of a person leaves you?
How are you not crushed by that?
But the thing is, with you, more than the sad,
there's this excitement,
oh, 'cause I know you are so ready for this.
And you're gonna do amazing things.
I mean, you are gonna Sue up the world.
[ Voice breaking ] How lucky is the world, hmm?
And how lucky am I
that I get a front-row seat for all of it?
[ Sighs ]
[ Radio static crackles ]
Sue: [ Sobbing ]
[ Crying ] I know that I wanted this trip
to be exactly like Axl's,
but [Sniffles] I don't anymore
because this is way better.
[ Crying ]
This is Sue, by the way. Over. [ Both chuckle ]
Can you please hand the walkie-talkie over to dad?
Dad, I know it's hard for you to say you love me,
but it's not hard for me.
I love you, dad.
All right, here's your mom.
And then the moment I've been pretending to dread
actually arrived.
[ Drew holcomb and the neighbors' "I've got you" plays ]
I dropped my only daughter off at college.
Well, three hours later, we did.
She really brought a lot of crap.
♪♪
[ Both sigh ]
[ Sighs ]
Damn it, she forgot the ice scraper.
First big storm, and she's dead.
Mike, she's gonna be fine. [ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ] Maybe I should drive it up there just in case.
Mike...
You're gonna be fine.
This is a tough one, Frankie.
It's my daughter.
I know. [ Sighs ]
It's gonna be weird not having her here.
The house is gonna be so quiet. Hmm.
But it is kind of nice when you think about it.
Two kids in college,
just you and me here in our empty nest.
Hmm. [ Chuckles ]
Still here.
[ Drew holcomb and the neighbors' "I've got you" plays ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Clears throat ]
♪ I saw stars like a blanket ♪
♪ I saw people just like me ♪
♪ there was light moving forward ♪
♪ I've got the world, and I've got you ♪