The first day of school,
a day filled with unbridled optimism for the year ahead.
First day of school! I'm so excited!
Then again, that describes just about every day for Sue.
Braided my hair. I'm so excited!
My nose stopped bleeding! I'm so excited!
Finished my apple. I'm so excited!
This is going to be the best year ever,
because now that I'm a soph... That's short for "sophomore"...
I get to be a mentor to an incoming freshman. It's an amazing program.
It keeps newbies from falling through the cracks.
Sue, nobody cares about your stupid suck-more activities.
This year is all about the seniors. Seniors rule!
- Is he gonna be doing that all year? - Anybody wants a ride, let's go.
I'm working a double shift, so you're on your own for dinner.
If you can get to it, there's Thanksgiving turkey
- in the back of the freezer. - Brick, after school,
- you're coming to my softball game. - Softball game?
Why don't you take me to the beach?
- Hi. I'm looking for... - Sue Heck?
Well, look no further, 'cause you found her. I'm your mentor!
Hey. Great to meet you. Jenna Taylor.
I know. Which is why I...
"Taylor" -made this binder for you.
"Sue's tips for Sue-cess." Sit.
This is chockfull of inside scoop to help you get through freshman year.
Notice I did not call it "frosh" year. Nobody calls it "frosh."
I learned that one the hard way. So how about we dive right in?
We have... stuff to try out for,
locker-room dos and don'ts,
funny things to say when you fall down the stairs.
Wow. There's a lot more to try out for than in middle school.
- Pretty exciting. - It's incredibly exciting.
Don't expect to make anything. As a freshman, that's off the table.
But it's still good to try so you can, you know,
get your face out there. Oh! And this is for you to keep.
Wow. Lucky my mom bought me the big backpack.
We should probably talk at least three times a day.
This is my cell. If I don't pick up, don't worry.
My battery charger is on the fritz, and they discontinued it
and the phone, like, 11 years ago.
But if you're ever in a bind and you can't get a hold of me,
kickinitteenstyle.com is an excellent resource
for all of kinds of advice. It's kinda my Bible.
Oh, my gosh. I just realized you must have a ton of questions for me.
- Actually, I do have one. - Bring it.
What time does the late bus run until?
I do not know that, but I can find out and get back to you in a jiff.
FYI, they mop the cafeteria hallway every morning around this time.
Can we get an orange cone over here?
While Sue was lying down the rules of high school survival,
I was all too versed in the rules of Ehlert survival...
Hide the doughnuts in your purse for later,
shuffle papers so you look busy, and know that the first thing
out of Ehlert's mouth when he sees you will always be an insult.
Afternoon, Frances.
- You look nice today. - Oh. Thank you?
See you in my office?
- Hey, think about sliding next time. - Hey, Mike.
I don't know if you know my son. Brian, say hello to Mr. Heck.
Hi, Mr. Heck. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Brian. This is my son Brick.
Brick, say hello to the Morrisons.
- I said say hello to the Morrisons. - I'm reading.
And I'm waiting for you to say hello to the Morrisons.
Fine. Hello. Happy?
Whoa. You'd kill me if I talked to you like that.
You bet I would.
Don't worry. I'll be killing him later.
Here's the thing, Frances. The truth is, you don't look nice today.
And since there's no real way to say this,
I'm just gonna say it.
I'm gonna have to let you go.
Let me go, unless I sell more cars?
Let me rephrase that. I'm letting you go.
Unless I start being more on time?
Frances, don't make this harder on me than it is.
I just can't afford to carry this many people when business is slow.
It's not you. It's the economy.
Is this because I dozed off in back of the minivan?
I'm gettin' that checked out.
It might have something to do with my iron levels.
I don't want to hear about any lady parts!
Look, this is all based on seniority.
Don't get me wrong. You're plenty old.
But you were the last one hired.
Wait. What? This is real?
You're really firing me?
You can't do that. My son's going to college.
We just found out Sue's gonna have a palate expander.
Look, Frances, if the economy picks up and things change,
feel free to come back and buy a car.
I just had to get out of there without crying,
because you don't want to be the woman who loses it at work.
Well, I know what you're all thinking:
Frankie got another promotion!
No. I got canned.
But, hey, on the plus side,
I was thinking about knocking off early anyway.
This can't be happening. It is total bull-roar.
It's okay, Bob. We'll still see each other.
Oh, Frankie! I just heard the news. I can't believe it.
- You knew, didn't you? - Weeks ago.
Well, doesn't matter, Pete, 'cause I'm gonna be okay.
You know what they say:
"When one door closes, another one opens."
Can somebody open this door for me?
Thanks, Bob.
Well, this really wasn't
such a horrible place to come to every day.
And it's because of you guys.
Bye.
Dibs on her desk.
Well, I did it.
It was hard, but I got out of there with my head held high.
Frankie, we're gonna miss you.
And you left your purse on your chair.
Oh, crap.
I don't get it. Fired unless you sell more cars?
No. Fired.
As in, he's gonna cut back your hours?
Yes, he's gonna cut back my hours. He's gonna cut back all my hours.
How are you not getting this?
So Ehlert really fired you.
Okay.
So you're fired.
We've taken hits before. We'll get through this.
On the plus side, I didn't make that much money to begin with.
No, you did not.
Jenna, there you are.
I have an answer for you on that late bus question.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. I was looking at the different things
to try out for, and I decided to go for cheerleading, and...
- I made it! - Wow!
Are you sure you made it?
Because sometimes they say you made it,
and then you tell everyone the news, including pen pals
in Brazil and Toronto, but then they call you down to the gym
to tell you that you didn't make it.
I'm pretty sure I made it. They gave me a uniform and everything.
They did?
Oh, my God. Look at us!
You're a cheerleader. I'm a wrestlerette.
It's funny how they matched us up so perfectly.
You wanna have lunch to celebrate?
- Sure. - Great.
I'll meet you in Ms. Spivey's room at 1:00.
- Hey. - Hey. How was work?
Not bad. How was... not working?
Well, I've been doing laundry for two hours. Livin' the dream.
Oh, damn it. I forgot to punish Brick.
He didn't lick another mailbox again, did he?
No, but after the game yesterday, he was a real jerk.
I didn't want to make a scene, in front of the guys, but I was pissed.
Then I had a couple beers and I forgot about it.
So how's the job search coming?
I spent the whole morning looking through want ads,
and it got me to thinking.
Why should I go out and get another crappy job?
- Cause you lost your old crappy job? - No, I'm serious, Mike.
I mean, I'm sitting there, and it dawned on me.
I never think long-term about my life.
I take the first thing that comes along: first job, first house,
first guy that asked me to marry him.
Let's face it, Mike. We're "eeny" people.
You know, "eeny meeny miny mo."
Just that we never make it to "mo." We always stop at "eeny."
Eeny houses, eeny cars, eeny kids.
Don't you ever wanna be a "mo" person?
You know, sometimes, if you just open the paper and point,
- you can find a pretty great job. - Eeny thinking!
I don't want to just take the next random job like I always do.
I wanna do something that I'm passionate about.
You're not gonna start beading again, are you?
No. That was dumb. Look, I'm just talking about
finding something that I'm good at, maybe going back to school and,
I don't know, learning a skill that people might wanna pay me for.
You know, I read in More magazine,
there's lots of people who have these whole second acts.
- How old are these people? - Old, Mike. Like us.
What do you think? Second act, huh?
If it doesn't work out, I promise I will take the next low-paying,
demeaning crap job that comes my way.
Man, I'm beat.
Hey, hold on a sec. I wanna talk to you.
I got picked on by a third grader, but when I told my teacher,
he said since I'm in fifth, I should handle it.
So I went back to reason with the third grader,
and he took my lunch, pushed me down,
and had the rest of the third graders stand on me.
Sorry. What did you want to talk to me about again?
I'll catch you later.
So your dad and I have some news.
- Yes! I'm gettin' a new car! - What?
I've been eavesdropping on you, and I overheard Mom
talking about a "meeting with Ehlert" and "time for a fresh start."
And I'm gettin' a new car! In your faces! Seniors rule! Continue.
You're not getting a new car. Your mom lost her job.
- You got fired? - No, I wasn't fired. I was let go.
Oh, no. Are we gonna lose the house?
I can't go to Hickory Farms. I can't.
It's Hickory Arms, and we're not moving anywhere.
We decided that instead of me getting another random job,
I'm gonna go back to school and pursue an actual career.
That means in the short-term, we're gonna have to tighten our belts.
Oh, my God. I thought you were getting me a car.
Now you're saying we're gonna be poorer? I can't believe this!
I was so nice to you guys all summer!
I barely even yelled, this is how you thank me?!
A teacher at my school got fired
because she had an inappropriate relationship.
Did you have an inappropriate relationship?
No. The point is, your dad and I have decided
that it's not too late for me to have a second act.
- Is she gonna start beading again? - No. Your mom agreed that was dumb.
It's not dumb. I love Mom's beading. She made me this necklace.
Oh, this is so unfair!
It's my senior year. How am I supposed to rule without a car?!
Your mom's going to school. If you want a new car,
you'll have to get a second job to pay for it.
So I'm gonna have two jobs.
She's gonna have none? You're the mom!
You're the one who's supposed to be working yourself to death! Wait.
You guys are messing with me, right? This is all a big setup.
Is my new car outside the window?
You're not getting a car, you idiot.
We'll be lucky if we don't have to sell one of ours to pay for mom's school.
What? I can't believe you're telling me this!
These are adult problems. What happened to protecting our feelings?
What happened to not upsetting the kids?
We thought you'd be mature enough to handle it.
Well, I'm not. So from now on,
don't sit us down and tell us bad things.
We'll assume those are happening.
Stop whining, Axl. It's called being part of a family,
so we're gonna handle this as a family. Where the hell did Brick go?
Brick, get back in here! I still gotta talk...
This is my gap year fund, but you can have it if it helps out.
See? Now, this is a good brother. He's chipping in for my new car.
- What's that? - Powdered milk.
It'll last us nine months and save a bundle.
Help me unload and I'll scoop you a nice tall glass.
Mom, Dad, what would you do
if you knew someone who wanted to run for something at school
but you know it's a real long shot?
Sue. What are you trying out for now?
- Homecoming court... - Never gonna make that.
- Mike! Don't tell her that. - Why, Mom?
You think I could make it?
Well, it sounds like your dad already said no, so...
Well, it doesn't matter. It's not me. It's my mentee, Jenna.
She's doing really well in school,
but homecoming court is a whole other thing.
They only pick the most fabulous girls
with straightest hair and whitest teeth.
It's almost like a popularity contest.
What do you say to someone who wants to try for something
- that is so far out of their reach? - Oh. That's a tough one.
But off the top of my head, I would look her in the eye
and say, "Sue," or whatever her name is,
"I really admire your spirit and tenacity.
And whatever happens, I'm here for you."
That is spot-on advice.
You should guest blog for kickinitteenstyle.com.
Are you sure we didn't encourage Sue to try out for homecoming court?
No, it's not her.
- You sure? - I mean...
I think so, but I was kind of half-listening.
- Me, too. - What?
What?
So the next day, I was off to enroll
at the Orson Technical Institute, where second acts are born.
Can we get rid of this milk? I feel like I'm drinking chalk.
Did you stir it? I told you you have to stir it.
I tried. It just goes back to milk dust.
No, while you're drinking it.
- Look, here. Yeah. - Huh?
Stir and drink. Stir and drink. Stir and...
Well, it'll be good on cereal.
It's a commercial for my school! Turn it up.
Do you dream of a career in the exciting field
of air conditioning repair or health information technology?
I did, and now I'm a certified occupational therapist.
An "-ist"! I've always wanted to be an "-ist."
In just a few months, I learned the skills I needed
- to become a court reporter. - I could be a court reporter.
Whenever I watch those crime shows,
I always know who the criminal is before they reveal it.
I don't think you'd actually be solving crimes.
I'd be assisting. But the cops would come to rely on me for my expertise.
The jobs of tomorrow are here today
in our cutting-edge computer department.
That might be good. I'm handy with computers.
Hey! Whenever you try to watch a video online,
I'm always the one that shows you how to make the screen bigger.
You never know how. I'm not gonna let you step on my buzz, Mike.
Starting now, I'm gonna stop dreaming it and start living it.
You need to settle down if we're gonna announce the homecoming court.
I'm not kidding, people. Fine. I'll wait.
I am so worried for her.
I don't know if I should go over there or not.
I'm not even talking to my mentee. I don't want to say what happened,
but there was a gift of a signed Jersey Boys Playbill
- that was not graciously received. - All right, seriously, people.
Okay, the votes have been tallied,
and your homecoming court is as follows.
For the seniors, Caroline Douglas and Axl Heck.
Yes!
- For the juniors... - Real quick.
You may have heard I totaled my car in a demolition derby.
Not to worry, ladies. I will have another sweet ride by homecoming.
Seniors rule!
Juniors: Kurt Kellogg, Amy Slaughter.
Sophomores: Chris Aillo, Courtney Sheehan.
And finally, for the freshmen class:
Ben Anderson and... Jenna Taylor!
Oh, my God!
We made homecoming court!
Brick, I need to talk to you.
- Now. - Go.
I wanted you to know that what you did at the sub shop was not okay.
And I'm not gonna punish you anymore at this point
'cause time has passed.
But you need to understand you were rude and disrespectful.
- What'd I do again? - You ignored me and the Morrisons.
Okay. But in my defense, I was at the end of a book.
- That doesn't make a difference. - Not to you.
- You're not a big reader. - I'm not punishing you,
but you can never talk to me like that again,
especially in public, with other people around. It's embarrassing.
Really? But you guys weren't embarrassed to be
50 and walk-running around those bases?
Okay, I'm trying to let you off the hook here,
but you need to get that you did something wrong.
You ignored me and the Morrisons three times.
Not three times, the first time I didn't hear you.
Whatever. You ignored me twice.
I'm being punished for ignoring you twice?
- I told you, I'm not punishing you. - I'm just saying,
when you're reading the sports page, and I try to talk to you,
you tell me I'm rude for interrupting.
But when someone interrupts my reading, I get punished.
- I'm not punishing you! - I just need some clarification.
You want some clarification? Fine.
You're punished. Two weeks!
- Two weeks without what? - I'll get back to ya!
Mom! These chips are stale.
I'm never gonna amount to anything!
I'm a big, fat failure!
You know what? I like 'em.
I don't know what I was thinking. I can't go back to school.
I like 'em chewy. They're like gum. They're like chip gum.
I went down to Orson Tech, and I was all excited.
And then the lady started asking me all these questions.
And I just got so overwhelmed!
Dad? Sue? Brick?
I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know computers!
I know how to make the screen big, but I can't make it small!
I just unplug the computer!
And the only reason I can figure out those crime shows
is because it's always the big guest star who's guilty.
Of course Jeff Goldblum strangled the piano tutor! Duh!
But... you don't need to know all this now.
That's what school's for. You'll, like, study it.
I haven't studied in 20 years. I mean, look at this.
Every course requires, like, tons of reading every night.
And I know this sounds petty, but the exams are on Tuesday,
and The Bachelor's on Monday night!
Look, it's like you always tell me.
You gotta budget your time, apply yourself, and focus.
You're young. You have your whole life ahead of you.
I don't know why I thought I could have a second act.
I just have this whole long crappy first act,
and at the intermission, nobody cares.
Come on. You're not that old.
Darrin saw you going to get the mail the other day.
He said you looked good for a woman your age.
Really? He said that? Are you sure? Like, what were his exact words?
Sometimes you say a little bit, but it's not the whole conversation.
Mom, you can do this.
If you look hard enough, you find that straight-A student.
When you do, try to sit right next to them
so you can copy off their test.
I don't know.
Maybe I can. But even if could, like, how am I gonna study or do homework?
It's not like the laundry's gonna stop coming.
Mom... you don't need to do this all alone.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's about time Dad, Sue, and Brick started pulling their weight around here.
Yeah.
- Hey, Sue. Wanna sit down? - No, Jenna.
Actually, I just wanted to let you know
that I think my work here is done.
Under my tutelage, you have become a cheerleader,
landed a really stunning boyfriend, and been elected to homecoming court.
But now it is time for you to fly on your own.
Plus, it's really not cool for me to be sitting at the freshmen table.
Everyone needs someone to watch their back,
whether you're starting high school...
or the second act of your life.
- So how's this thing work again? - Okay.
Well... first, you put in the detergent.
Like that. Then...
You get a new piece of duct tape, put it over the lid,
turn the dial... Oh, and remember, it's broken, so "hot" is cold.
But "cold" is also cold. But use "hot" cold instead of "cold" cold,
'cause "cold" cold uses too much water.
Sometimes it gets a little wobbly, and it might get out of balance,
so if you just... give it a hip check. Yeah. Go ahead.