Ever since Indiana got the Super Bowl,
the whole state's been rolling out the red carpet.
We opened a brand-new stadium,
recruited an army of hospitality volunteers.
Heck, I even knitted a scarf.
? Ta-da ?
Hmm?
What do you think?
I think if that's for the Super Bowl,
I don't want to hear about it.
And what are you even doing all this for?
You barely care about football.
I was paying my dues, Mike,
so that me and my official volunteer scarf
will be given a plum assignment at the game.
I have never been a part of anything this big.
It's exciting, Mike. Come on. Get excited.
No. Four years I've been waiting to see
my team win the championship on our home field,
only to have the rug yanked out from under me
by Peyton Manning's stupid neck.
God's obviously not a Colts fan, and I'm starting to think
he's not much of a Mike fan either.
Well, I'm not letting you turn my Super Bowl into a....
Grincher Bowl.
No, wait.
Scrooger Bowl?
Afternoon, Mrs. Heck, Mr. Heck.
I wanted to thank you so much for giving birth to Sue.
Yeah, well, she did most of the heavy lifting,
but you're welcome.
You mind?
Well...
Look what I got in the mail--
My driver's ed manual!
Only six more months till I'm eligible
for my learner's permit, but Matt said
it'd be smart to get a head start.
I.P.D.E.
Identify, Predict, Decide, Execute!
Really, sir,
honored you share your daughter with me...
And also your pizza.
Does he always have to be here?
I mean, he's the size of Brick, but he eats more than Axl.
Oh, come on. Matt's a good kid.
Plus he's Sue's first real boyfriend.
It's called being happy.
They gotta be happy in the same room as my TV?
Seriously, Mike,
bitterness is not a very attractive color on you.
Super party pooper Bowl!
Hmm.
You'll be escorting
out-of-state VIPs to their luxury boxes,
and here's your patch.
Frankie Heck, reporting for duty.
And you'll be working in shuttle parking lot number 74
in French Lick.
Wait.
French Lick?
That's, like, 100 miles from the stadium.
Oh, it's a satellite location.
I'd be closer working on an actual satellite.
I mean, listen, I've been stuffing envelopes
and manning booths and--
Every point of light shines bright.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna have to shine pretty freakin' bright
in French Lick.
Ooh, that's the spirit!
And here's your vest.
Don't want to get hit by a car.
Let me get back to you on that.
Oh, hey, Frankie!
- Hey, Nancy. - Oh, my God. Isn't this all so exciting?
I mean, what a time to be a hoosier.
Maybe three minutes ago, when they were still
handing out good assignments.
Don't get your hopes up.
Oh, I just came by to drop off these extra scarves I made.
We're going to the game.
The game? The game game?
Yep. Ron was top earner for the year,
so it's a little bonus.
They're putting us up in a hotel,
so we're taking the kids,
and we're making a whole week of it.
Well, if you park in French Lick,
I'll make sure you get a good spot.
Why would we ever park all the way down in French Lick?
I don't know, Nancy.
I just don't know.
?
Hey! Nice job, fetus! You just wrecked my epic solo!
Keep it down!
Look, I know you're not too familiar
with how books work,
but I can't read without turning pages.
Ohh...
Ooh. It's Darrin.
You know the deal-- Leave or pillow head.
Yo, D-train. What up?!
No, dude. I can't go for chicken right now.
Last time I drove that far, my tire fell off,
but, dude, I'm glad you called.
Hold onto your panties for this sick jam!
?
No. Where are you going?
Don't leave me alone with Sue and Wrestling Matt.
"Wrestling Matt." You hear what I just did?
Axl made that joke two weeks ago.
Listen to this crap.
Now I gotta go pick up parking cones and road flares
at some warehouse in God knows where.
Hmm.
I'm not sure if it's the hops or your voice,
but I'm tasting a whole lot of bitterness.
What happened, Frankie?
I thought the eyes of the world are gonna be on ya.
Not in French Lick, they're not.
I mean, I don't get it.
You'd think they'd want to put
the people who are a little more presentable
up front where the world can see them.
I mean, I'm charming. Am I not charming?
Why aren't you saying I'm charming?
Oh, yeah.
It's like I'm getting sprayed with spit by a princess.
You should see the guy who's escorting the VIPs.
I'm just saying, stick the uggos in French Lick,
and save the money for the stadium.
Ugh! I hate the Super Bowl.
Welcome.
What?
Hi, Frankie.
It's Nancy.
I can't talk long 'cause we're at a pregame fiesta.
So, listen, I called because I realized
we left our brand-new car in the driveway.
You mind going to the house and grabbing our key
and putting it in our garage for us?
It's just so brand-new, and I know those Glossner boys
like to climb up on cars
and press their butts against the windshield.
No problem, Nancy.
Thanks, Frankie. See you next week.
Fiesta!
New car? It figures they got a new car,
and she didn't even buy it from me.
Stupid new car.
Ohh.
All I had to do was drive it into the garage,
just drive it into the garage, just like she asked me to.
Oh, don't judge. People do meth.
I'd love to say I only used the Donahues' Passat
just that once, but we're not like the Donahues.
We don't have anything nice, and after a leaky roof
and a dishwasher that didn't work,
I was weak, okay?
I know it was wrong, but I needed this, damn it.
What I didn't know is
others were sneaking around needing it, too.
Please enter your destination.
The Eiffel Tower.
Would you like to allow tunnels and ferries?
- Sure. - Calculating route.
Ah.
"Use your left turn signal
to indicate your intention to turn left."
Wait. What if I have to turn right?
"Use your right turn signal
to indicate your intention to turn right."
Yeah.
Ohh.
Okay.
Oh, God.
I was just practicing. I never wanted to drive it!
Wait. I.P.D.E.
Identify-- I'm too far past the driveway,
and I'm not comfortable driving in reverse.
Predict... If I don't put the car back,
mom will find out, and I will never get my license,
and I will never go on a life-defining road trip
with three of my closest friends!
Decide...
I'll drive around the block until I'm back at the driveway.
Execute...
Executing.
Okay. Drive slow.
Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no!
No, no, no, no!
Aah!
Yeah! Ohh.
The only thing that got me home safe
was what Matt, my boyfriend, taught me.
It's crazy, huh?
I mean, if I had died right then,
the last words I would have said to Matt,
who's my boyfriend, were "good ham."
That makes me so sad.
Because it wasn't good ham?
No, it was really good ham, but isn't it kinda scary
to think that anything you say to anyone
could be the last thing you ever say to them?
If I had died in that car,
he never would have known how I really felt about him.
I don't have to worry about that stuff.
I've already been assigned a boy.
Well, I have faced death, and I now have the courage to do
what I should have done weeks ago.
That's it.
I am gonna tell Matt, my boyfriend, I love him.
Matt, stop. There's something I need to tell you.
Coach says I gotta sweat out 2 pounds,
but there's always time for you.
What's up?
Wait. I want this moment to be perfect.
Come down four steps.
Okay. Uh, I'll go down a step, and you come up two steps.
Okay. Perfect.
Okay. Here goes.
Matt, here's the thing.
I love you.
Uh... okay.
Well, that's it.
Gotta go catch the late bus. Bye.
Look, I'm not proud of myself,
but for some reason,
I just kept driving their sweet ride.
See, my own car reeked of old milk and stale fries,
but now, deep in the bosom of German engineering,
I don't know. I felt in control of my own destiny,
more vibrant, more alive.
It filled me with a confidence I didn't know I had.
Here's the thing, Liz.
The eyes of the world are gonna be on us.
You want to put your best foot forward.
Me in French Lick is not your best foot.
I'm not French Lick. I'm...
"Welcome to the Super Bowl, Mr. Gorbachev.
Right this way to the 50-yard line."
Hmm.
I see a fire in your eye, and I like that.
Tell you what.
I'll shuffle some people around
and get back to you with a stadium assignment.
Thanks. You do that.
Hey, Mike.
Guess who's gonna be in the stadium on game day?
Not the colts, so I don't want to hear about it.
Hey, guys.
I'm gonna be a stadium hospitality liaison.
How cool is that?
- It sounds kinda lame. - I can't talk right now. - I'm hungry.
Really?
After all the stuff I pretend to be happy about for you,
you can't just fake it up for me just this once?
Okay, wait.
Yes, I drove the Passat,
but I was asked to look after it,
so technically, I'm its legal guardian.
Why were you all checking your pockets?
Axl definitely did not use it to go get chicken.
Hey!
Sorry. I saw the bucket in the car...
When I was not in there.
I drove it, too. I'm so sorry!
I was just using it to study,
and before I knew it, I was breaking so many laws
and risking so many lives, but don't worry.
You don't have to punish me.
I've already been punished by love.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Hey, you checked your pockets, too.
So I took a few naps in it. Back off.
Oh, my God. This is crazy. Look at us.
We're taking the Donahues' Passat,
lying to each other, sneaking around.
We can't keep doing this.
We have to make a schedule.
And it's amazing how having one nice thing
actually made us a better family.
We were more compassionate.
Thanks for taking me to get ice cream, mom.
Fudge heals all wounds.
We were more considerate.
No, Brick, it's cool.
You're mature enough to hear this stuff now.
Go for Ax-man.
We were in better moods.
Wake me in an hour.
You know, it's been forever
since we've eaten together as a family.
It's nice.
Real nice. Mm-hmm.
- Biscuit me. - Mm.
Everybody okay back there?
Can you make it a bit warmer?
I'd like it a skosh cooler.
Oh, come on, Sue. Cheer up.
I can't.
Oh, honey, I know you're hurting,
but you and Matt were only together
for a few weeks. You gotta move on.
Here. You love butter batter nuggets.
Better not tell them.
Oh, come on, Sue.
? Just what made that little old ant ?
? think he could move a rubber tree plant? ?
Come on, everybody. We're cheering up Sue.
? everyone knows an ant ?
? can't ?
? move a rubber tree plant ?
? but he's got, 'cause he's got ?
? high hopes ?
Yep. We'd officially become the Donahues.
I know. It was disgusting.
? High, apple pie in the sky hopes ?
? So when the job is getting rough ? ? so when you ?
Hello?
- Hi, Frankie. It's Nancy. - ? Things are getting rough ?
- ? just remember ? - Shh. Shh.
Hi, Nancy!
Yeah, we're just sitting down at dinner
and watching some TV in our house.
Sorry to bother you. Y-you're not gonna believe this.
Shelly and dotty both caught a stomach bug.
Oh, that's too bad. Are they okay?
Yeah, but we're not gonna get to see the game.
Such a bummer.
We gave our tickets to the lady who cleaned our hotel room.
Made her day.
Anyway, we're heading home early,
and I was wondering if I could stop by and pick up our mail.
We'll be back in about... oh... 20 minutes.
Oh, my God.
This is more than just one trip for chicken!
All right. Why are there long johns
and a moldy juice pitcher in the car, huh?
Okay, you know what?
We do get nice things, but as soon as we do,
we heck it up! That's what we do.
We take nice things and we heck 'em up!
Well, we got five minutes to de-heck
the Donahues' car, so move it!
Sue, I've been waiting for you.
We really need to talk.
No, we don't. I think we did all
our talking and not talking in the stairwell.
No, I-I really need to...
Brick!
What? It can hold my entire library.
Damn this roomy trunk.
Sue! Grab some books and start chucking!
Mr. Heck, it's imperative I speak with daughter,
but she's gone radio silence on me.
Here's the deal, Matt. We stole a car,
and it's imperative that we clean it,
so if you want to join this family,
which I don't know why you would, grab a rag.
- Mom, are we gonna tell the Donahues what we did? - No, Brick.
But isn't not telling them the same as lying?
It's not lying because we've told each other.
We've self-punished,
which is the most important kind of punishment...
- Hmm. - So keep your mouth shut
and scrape the goo off the back window!
Not until you hear me out.
I know how I reacted the other day
really hurt your feelings.
You see, I spent my whole life training every muscle
in my 98-pound body to never be caught off guard,
so when you...
Why is this door locked?
- Open the door. - Open it!
Open the door!
Sue! Open the door!
And I had this whole big plan to tell you how I felt about you...
- Open the door. Open the door! - But then you ambushed me in the stairwell
with that reverse crossface into an undercup.
I left my most important muscle off guard,
so even though I was feeling the exact same way...
- What's the deal? - I was planning to tell you
- those three special words on Valentine's day... - Come on.
But no need to wait anymore.
Open the door. Sue! Open the door!
Hey. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on! Get out!
Oh!
It's official, everybody!
We're in love.
Aah!
Look, we can all puke about it later.
Just keep cleaning!
It still smells like gravy in here.
Gravy.
I got foot odor spray in my gym bag.
All right. Toss it in here.
We gotta get this car across the street.
Axl!
Oh, God.
I can't afford to lose the Donahues.
They feed me real food.
They taught me how to brush my teeth.
If I lose that family, I've only got this family.
Oh, please. The Donahues aren't so great.
I mean, they act all nice,
but doesn't it seem a little fake,
all that asking questions about how you are
and how's your day?
Well, Sean can't go ten seconds...
Without saying "please" or "thank you."
That's not normal teenage behavior.
Shelly doesn't eat desserts. What's up with that?
We get it. You're nice, but seriously,
who really knows what's behind that wall of nice?
People do meth. That's all I'm saying.
Hurry! They're coming!
We missed a fry.
It's not a fry.
Hi, guys. What brings you all by?
Hey.
Well, we just came over to see if you needed anything...
And, hey, I had the Passat in the garage for you
but just brought it out now 'cause we knew
you were coming back, and I thought you might want
to go in through the garage instead of the front door,
'cause we do that sometimes.
I-it's a thing people do.
I missed you, mom.
Oh, well, we missed you, too.
Hey. What's this?
Looks like a scratch.
Okay. Here's the thing.
Axl drove the Passat.
And so did the rest of us. I'm so sorry.
It's just so nice and new, and we're so weak and gross.
Believe me, we feel horrible about this,
and we'll pay to have it fixed and if you want
to take back your house key while you're at it,
we totally understand.
Just please don't hate us.
Why would I ever hate you?
I hate myself for not telling you to drive it
in the first place.
Seriously, what is the point
of having a brand-new car if you can't share it
with your neighbors?
I'm thrilled you drove it.
Absolutely.
Hey, you saved one of us from getting the first scratch
and then fighting with each other about it.
Thanks, man.
Well, now I know what's behind that wall of nice--
Big, rolling fields of nice.
I mean, they're just great. So, so great.
Yep. They really deserve better neighbors than us.
But having us as neighbors wasn't the only low point
in the Donahues' lives.
They never made it to the Super Bowl, but I did.
Actually, more like eight Super Bowls.
All right. Green coat, number 6.
Yeah. Red earmuffs, number 3.
What was that? Was that--
- What that a touchdown, huh? - I don't know.
- Anyone? - No.
- I didn't see it. - Damn it.
Excuse me. I'm looking for section 15.
Uh, yeah, it's two gates down, past the bobblehead exhibit.
Thank you, darlin', and let me just say,
all you folks around here have been so nice and neighborly.
Oh.
Well, thank you, and welcome to Indiana.
Point is, I didn't have to be at the 50-yard line.
The eyes of the world were on us,
and I was part of something truly special,
and I, for one, wasn't gonna heck it up.
Okay, blue gloves, number 4,
and, yellow hat, number 7.
Whoo! Everybody doing okay?
Great. Hang in there.
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