You look horrific. When was the last time you really slept a night?
Let's just work, all right?
Dean: Killer clown. I know what you're thinking, Sam.
"Why did it have to be clowns?"
Sam: Give me a break.
[ Laughs ] You didn't think I remembered, did you?
Come on, you still bust out crying
whenever you see Ronald McDonald on the television.
At least I'm not afraid of flying.
Planes crash. And apparently clowns kill.
[ Breathing heavily ]
It's okay.
They can't hurt you. They can't hurt you.
"If it bleeds, you can kill it."
Yeah.
"If it bleeds, you can kill it."
[ Laughing ]
[ Giggling ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Banging ]
[ telephone rings ]
Hello?
Ye--
"I am the eggman."
Seriously, Frank, pay phones?
I mean, come on.
I'm getting the clap off this thing just touching it.
Fred Savage? Really?
Yeah, no, I know, big mouths are everywhere.
Uh, well, since you asked,
some actual intel on the Dick Roman guy would be nice.
Fine.
All right.
Yeah, good looking out.
I hope he finds something quick.
This whole protocol du jour thing's really creeping my cheese.
So, we got dick on Dick?
That's a vivid way of putting it.
You find anything on Wonder Woman? No.
And there probably won't be. They are definitely gone.
But, uh, a few simple rules, okay? No babies.
In fact, no baby mamas. No bars.
No booze -- no hot chicks of any kind.
Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say --
Hey. You spawn a monster baby,
see how quick you want to dive back in the pool.
Dean: Ohh.
Those are not the fun kind of hickeys.
You're -- you're saying an octopus did this?
Not just any octopus.
Based on welt diameter,
enteroctopus dofleini.
And for those of us who skipped the enteroctopus class?
Giant pacific octopus.
How giant we talking, Doc?
Approximately 30 feet.
[ Chuckles ]
I mean, aren't... giant octopi rare around here?
Yet here we are.
All right, so what happens?
Guy comes home, cracks a beer,
and gets...suckered to death?
Obviously, this was some kind of freak fetish attack.
Someone created those hickey marks,
then bled the man out.
That bite look a little vamp-y to you?
Yeah, no question.
So what are we looking for?
An octovamp? A vamptopus?
That's crazy even for us, right?
It does push the envelope.
Let's go chat up the widow.
Sam: We're very sorry for your loss, ma'am.
Mrs. Harper, we know this is, uh, bad timing.
But we just have a few routine questions
that we need to ask you -- is that okay?
Yeah.
Did the house feel any different lately?
Different...?
Anything strange.
Cold spots.
Uh, did you smell anything weird?
Maybe sulfury?
No. Not that I can remember.
Okay, we're just ticking all the boxes here.
Um, what about any skeletons in your husband's closet?
[ Chuckling ] Skeletons? What do you mean?
Can you think of anybody who would want to do him harm?
A colleague, an old flame.
The tiniest detail could really help.
You want to know what he was up to lately?
Ask Stacey.
She was here the night he died.
Um...Stacey?
Our nanny.
Any other questions?
No, that's...
Thank you.
You've been a big help.
Really appreciate the hospitality, ma'am.
[ Dog barks in distance ]
[ Door closes ]
Mom, dad, nanny --
boy, that is a love triangle right out of casa erotica.
'Course, in those, the jealous wife
tends to channel her feelings more productively.
[ Scoffs ]
The only thing I can't wrap my mind around is --
What, how wife lady summoned an octovamp?
More like "why?"
I mean, kind of impractical, right?
Yeah.
All right, one of us needs to go talk to the naughty nanny.
The other one stay here,
shake down the place when the wife leaves --
see what we're dealing with.
All right. I'm on the nanny.
No, I'm on the nanny.
I thought you said no hot chicks.
We don't know that she's hot.
Now, uh, how would you describe
your relationship with the deceased?
I don't know. Normal, I guess.
Normal?
Well, I mostly dealt with Debra.
There was nothing going on, if that's what you mean.
Debra said that you were at the house late the night that...
That Brian died.
Yeah.
Brian was working late, so I stayed with Kelly.
She was pretty upset.
Why's that?
Well, it was her birthday.
We had a party at Plucky's.
Plucky's. Why does that sound familiar?
Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie?
Pizza chain for kids.
Actually, more [chuckling] for lazy parents.
Anyway, her dad showed up
for five minutes, then he went back to work.
And, of course, her mom was out of town.
This stupid kid told Kelly her folks didn't really love her.
She freaked.
I was calming her down for hours.
Uh, did you...notice anything weird at the house?
Weird like...?
Anything. Even a bad feeling.
No, nothing like that.
Actually, Kelly does have a weird thing about closets.
But it's just kid stuff.
Try me.
She thinks there's a monster in her closet.
It drives everyone crazy.
Hey, we talked to the wrong person.
Sam: What?
Yeah, forget the mom. Talk to the daughter.
She's mad at her dad for ditching her birthday.
So, what do you think?
A birthday wish gone wrong, something like that?
I don't know. It could be.
I got a 20 on her right now.
Can you get to her without tripping the AMBER Alert?
[ Chuckles ]
I'll try.
All right, see what you can find out.
Whatcha working on there?
I know who you are.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
You're the guy that talked to my mom.
[ Chuckles ] That's right. I did.
Debra: Kelly!
Something wrong?
My mom will get mad if I talk to you.
Um...How come?
Because of what I told the police.
And what did you tell the police?
I told them that I tried to warn my dad.
That the monster would get him.
Kelly. Come here! Now!
Kelly!
[ Sighs ]
[ Hooves clopping ]
[ Horse neighs ]
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Thud ] Aah!
Ugh!
[ Grunts ]
[ Horse neighs ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Giggling ]
"If it bleeds, you can kill it."
[ Fabric rips ]
[ Clowns laughing ]
[ Siren wails in distance ]
Huh.
Hey. Um...
Okay, so, the horse I get.
The hoofprints, the jumping over the fence.
But, uh, what ran him through?
Best thing I could tell you is something big.
So, what, like a lance?
[ Gurney clattering ]
It's sad.
Lady's got to pull her friggin' 8-year-old
out of school and tell him his dad's dead.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, ma'am?
Agent Jones, FBI.
I'm sorry. I-I really need to go.
Okay. Uh, just one quick question,
if you don't mind.
Um, was yesterday your son's birthday?
Billy's birthday? No. Why would you ask that?
Nothing. Never mind.
Oh. But...
His father did take him
to a friend's birthday party yesterday.
[ Cries ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
Hey.
Hey. You remember a chain called Plucky Pennywhistle's?
No.
Really? Could have swore you loved those places.
No, dude, I hated them.
Uh, you would dump me and go trolling for chicks.
It's not like I left you in jail.
I mean, those places are supposed to be fun.
Fun? Uh, they're lame.
And they smell like puke.
And the ice cream is all grainy.
All right, don't have one of your episodes, okay?
I'm just saying I hit a dead end with this whole
wishes-gone-wild thing,
but both kids were at Plucky's day of.
Look, why don't you go check out the local Plucky's
and ask about this Billy kid?
Look, man, w-why don't I just...
Why don't I just wait for you to get back?
No can do, Hermano.
I'm on my way to talk to little Billy.
Why -- why -- why don't I talk to Billy...Right now?
[ Laughs ] Wait, wait, wait.
This isn't about your, uh, your clown thing, is it?
What?!
No!
Sammy?
No.
Yeah, what in the world did they do to you?
All right, you know what? Never mind.
Just know that 99.99%
of all clowns can't hurt you.
Okay? And if it bleeds,
you can kill it.
[ Beep ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
"If it bleeds, you can kill it."
I'm too old for this.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Children laughing ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
Welcome to Plucky's,
where all your dreams are good.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
Could you just, uh, maybe...
Just get the manager for me?
Okay.
[ Music continues ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
I just need you to stay sane for three more hours.
Okay? Here.
Finish your homework.
Like I can concentrate in here.
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Sighs ]
Jean: Real beauties, huh?
We rotate them out once a week.
Kids love having their art on the wall.
"Draw your worst fear"?
I know.
But we don't post the truly evil stuff --
just the standard crap like sharks and ghosts.
Jean Holiday, shift manager.
Johnson, FBI.
So [chuckles softly] tell me --
why even ask the kids to draw creepy stuff to begin with?
It's just an exercise...
Some pop psychologist came up with.
Plus, the owner's obsessed
with "aiding children's development."
So, the place mat is a safe way
to get kids to talk about their fears.
You know, we get them to sketch it in a little box,
and -- voilà! -- Plucky magically transforms it
into rainbows and candy.
[ Scoffs lightly ]
Personally, I think it's a load of hooey,
but they say that if these fears run wild,
then it affects kids long into their adulthood.
[ Horn honks ]
Yeah, I've -- I've -- I've heard that.
Um...So, I don't know if you'll remember,
but there was a kid in here yesterday
named Billy Pogue for a party?
Oh, the conniption kid.
Conniption? He -- he had --
No, no, no, not him. He was fine. It was his dad.
He pulls the kid away before cake and presents,
and I guess the kid asked to stay for another five minutes.
The dad pulls a full-frontal douchebag,
starts screaming.
Just embarrassed for the kid.
[ Clicking tongue ] Hey. Hey.
[ Whistles softly ] Hey!
You a cop?
Uh, yeah. I'm a Fed.
Uh, what are you investigating?
Couple of crazy deaths.
Why, is there something you want to share?
Look -- not now.
Too many eyes.
Come back after closing.
Hey.
So, what's the lowdown with trauma town?
I can tell you this much.
Neither vic was up for parent of the year.
Kelly's dad skipped her birthday,
and Billy's dad pulled one of those Dick Parent scenes
that makes everyone cringe.
What the hell are these?
Kid therapy.
Um, you draw your worst nightmare --
poof! -- Plucky fixes it.
Um, they hang them up on this big wall.
Well, can't argue with this.
Leprechauns are deadly.
[ Scoffs lightly ]
Okay, so, Kelly draws a monster,
and then that goes after her father?
That's what we're saying?
Well, here's the thing. They label those.
And guess which two were missing.
Well, name tag was there -- no place mat.
Little miss octovamp.
Yeah. And...
Billy. [ Groans ] So...
Somehow, whatever he drew came to life
and killed his dad, riding a horse.
Close, but no Seabiscuit. [ Clears throat ]
See, I went and had a little chat with Billy.
And he drew me this.
Wait.
So now unicorns are evil?
[ Scoffing ] Yeah. Obviously.
Great.
Well, now the question is,
how did a Unicorn come off a sketch and kill Billy's dad?
How's any of this happening?
Well, that's it for me.
Guess I'll head out.
Uh, one more thing.
Some kid puked in the ball pit.
It's gonna need a full sanitization.
Do that, and then you can clock out.
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
Aah!
Ah!
Aah!
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming stops ]
[ Screams ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
Aah!
[ Police radio chatter ]
Hold on one second there, guys.
All right. Uh, thank you.
So?
The manager found the body in the ball pit.
Blood everywhere.
Cops have a theory?
Yeah, they think the ball washer did it.
The what? The...ball washer.
The what? The ball --
Look at this.
Thank you, gentlemen.
[ Clears throat ]
That's a shark bite.
Yeah.
And, uh, judging from the radius,
I'd say a 20-footer, at least.
"Shark Week," man. How do you not watch that?
Whole week of sharks.
Omar Cooper. [ Chuckles ]
How much you want to bet
little Omar here was scared of sharks?
And Saul the janitor is connected how?
I mean, he's not related to Omar.
No. But Saul had something he wanted to tell me.
So this isn't about ganking some dickweed parent.
More like, uh, silencing a whistle-blower?
Great, so whatever we're looking for
can literally fire off childhood fears at will.
Wow. Watch out for evil lunch ladies.
All right.
Let's comb this place.
[ Sighs ]
Seriously.
Dractopus.
Seabiscuit the impaler. [ Device whines ]
Land shark -- what's next?
[ Parking brake clicks ]
Okay, Tyler, that's it.
You got to take the bus from here.
But I thought --
I can't. I'm sorry.
I'm late. [ Purse unzips ]
[ Coins clink ]
Here.
[ Purse zips ]
Stay out of trouble.
[ Clowns laughing ]
Whee!
Aah!
Ohh.
Ow!
[ Laughing ]
Maybe...Tulpa?
No, killing's are too spread out.
True.
Um...Angel?
It's a little imaginative for the God squad,
don't you think?
[ Sighs ] All right. So...What?
Yeah, I don't know. I'm tapped out.
Well, whatever it is,
at least we know where it is.
Plucky's!
That's where the victims are getting picked up.
Yeah, but we swept the place last night, and nada.
I can go back.
Go to the employees, maybe dig up some dirt.
What good's that gonna do? They think you're a Fed.
The one guy who was gonna rat, he got Bruce'd.
If anybody knows anything, they're not gonna tell you.
All right. Yep. That's the plan.
[ Chair scrapes ] I'll go back...
Play bad cop, really lean into them.
And...?
And...when I'm done, then you watch them.
So if somebody freaks out, then that's our creep.
Or he'll lead us closer, and you can track him.
Well, what's my cover?
I don't know. Just hang back.
Act normal.
[ Door slams ]
Yeah, yeah. Guy in his 30s hanging out at Plucky's alone --
that's normal.
That's not pervy at all.
Jean: So, it doesn't matter what people say.
We've roped it off.
I've notified the powers that be. Everyone's aware.
[ Clears throat loudly ] Just no one goes in the...
Hi.
Agent.
I bet I know why you're here.
How's business?
Turns out not even grim flippin' death
can slow down the birthday fun.
Oh.
We roped off the ball pit, though,
until corporate can get here.
[ Sighs ] I just can't believe the machine fritzed
and did Saul in like that.
Yeah, that makes two of us.
I'm gonna need to talk to some of your employees.
Like who?
Like you.
[ Children chattering ]
[ Up-tempo music playing ]
Howdy, friend.
Giant slinky.
Would have killed for one of those when I was a kid.
How much?
1,000 tickets. American dinero. How much?
Oh, we don't take cash here at Plucky Pennywhistle's.
Only tickets won through hard work and determination.
[ Chuckles ]
You mainlined the kool-aid, huh?
[ Laughs ]
It's double-ticket Tuesday if you play skeeball.
Howdy, friend!
So, where were you last night?
Well, here.
Obviously.
I found him.
But I was by the cash register the whole time.
There's a security camera pointed right at the counter.
- The cops already looked at it. - Uh-huh.
And you heard nothing?
I heard the ball blaster.
I didn't hear him.
If I did, I would have run in, of course.
Yeah, right, right.
So that's your excuse.
My what?
Look, I know I'm new to this job, but I'm --
What?
- How new? - Couple weeks.
[ Voice breaking ] I just got promoted.
Hmm.
So, uh, was there a lot of competition for the gig?
I guess.
It comes with benefits.
The bosses had us all write essays
about how we would do our best for the kids,
and they picked me.
Don't be shocked,
but I actually did two semesters at college, so...
I'm not in any kind of trouble, am I?
I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
Look, I know I'm not perfect, but I'm trying.
And, I mean, it's not as if I'd ever do anything illegal.
[ Slams desk ]
Sure you wouldn't.
[ Children laughing ]
[ Up-tempo music continues ]
Special Agent?
Wow!
I want you to know, sir,
that I really appreciate what you do, and --
Quiet.
[ Machine beeping ]
Hey!
Stop cheating!
[ Beeping continues ]
You heard him. Knock it off!
Jackass. Jackass.
Tyler, soup's on.
- But, mom, I don't want -- - Just eat it.
But it sucks!
[ Sighs ]
Hey, why don't you cut her some slack?
What do you care?
Because I've been where you are.
Your mom made you camp at a stupid Plucky's after school?
Y-- no.
No, but my dad, he...hauled me places.
Besides, she's working a tough gig.
You know? She's exhausted.
You should take pity on the old.
And, hey, free grub.
That stuff tastes like butt.
What?
Come on, it can't be that bad.
Let's see here.
Ah.
That is butt.
[ Coughs ]
You scared of robots?
They have laser eyes.
Yes.
Howdy, friend! What's your name?
Hi.
Lose the head.
Why'd you do it?
Do...What?
I think you know.
I...
I got rights.
You can't --
[ chair clatters ]
I'm the federal government, pal.
- I can do whatever I want. - Okay. I'll talk.
Dean!
Hey! Hey! Come here!
Hey!
[ Panting ]
If this is about the meth lab that fireballed up in Butte,
it wasn't me.
Okay, it was my brother,
but, um, we got the same fingerprints, and...
Please. This is the best job I ever had.
All right, look, uh...
Cliff. Cliff.
You're not using kids' nightmares
to smoke people, are you, Cliff?
I don't...think so.
Get up.
What's going on?
All right, cards up.
Yeah, we don't care that you, you know, broke bad or whatever.
But there is some seriously weird going on in there.
You mean the sub-basement.
This place has a sub-basement?
Sure. Door's out back.
Easy to miss if you don't know.
What's in there?
Alls I know is...
Me and Saul used to come in after hours sometimes and...
[ Laughs ]
You ever shroom in a ball pit?
[ Laughs ]
Not that I...would, agents.
It was Saul. Just Saul. All alone.
Anyway...
Sometimes we'd hear, like, spooky stuff,
through the vents...
Coming up from the boiler room.
Okay, kiddo. Let's go.
But somebody stole it!
So, draw another one!
Okay?
We gotta go.
Okay. I'm sorry.
[ Sighs ] Thank you.
That place mat sucked anyway.
Dean. What? What is it?
While you were out being Dirty Harry,
uh, Tyler's mom got pissy with him,
and now his place mat's missing.
So, what do you think?
I think the bitchy mom
plus, uh, sad kid plus place mat
with something nuts written on it...
equals wacky corpse.
So you think she's next on the list?
All right, I'll tail them just to be safe. You --
check the boiler room. I know.
Right.
Oh. Oh.
Uh, Dean, hey, uh, any idea what he drew?
- Robot. - Robot?
Yeah, about the size of a house.
Shoots destructo beams out of its eyes.
At least I'll see it coming.
Yeah.
Now, that's perfectly normal.
Howard: Drop it.
Drop it!
Mm-hmm. Now kick it over.
[ Gun slides ]
Some pretty heavy hoodoo you got here.
I gotta say, as far as I know,
none of these things, uh, can poop out a Unicorn.
There's power in fear.
And when a child draws what he's afraid of,
a little of that mojo ends up on the page.
So, what, you toss it in the fire,
and some bed-wetter's horror show comes to life?
I got to get something off the parent, too.
Something they own.
That bit gets tricky. [ Chuckles ]
Well, it hasn't seemed to slow you down.
I'm just doing what I need to!
[ Chuckling ] Okay. Okay.
I get it. Okay?
No drawing...
No Iron Giant!
Oh, that b-word is still on the list!
But not tonight.
Bigger fish.
What, are you gonna shoot me, Howard?
You really want a body on your hands?!
- Blood everywhere?! - You shut up!
'Cause I got lots of ways to take care of bullies.
Don't you worry.
Like that FBI guy.
He's your pal, right?
I saw you chase Cliff down.
Five minutes ago, his business card was torched.
Along with something from my...
personal collection.
[ Chuckles ]
I-I-I picked it out real special for him, too.
Soon as I saw him, I noticed.
He was staring at every little Plucky
like it was gonna stab him or something.
[ Car door closes ]
Guy's got a real thing about clowns.
[ Laughing ]
Well, hey, these are, uh, really nice dolls.
Did you paint them yourself?
Oh. [ Chuckles ]
Uh, friggin' Plucky.
Plucky helps kids.
It's all I ever wanted to do.
And when the management slot opened up, I...
But they passed me over.
Shocker.
No, I told them, "No one cares more than me."
But suits never listen.
So, I'm doing it my way.
So let me get this straight.
You didn't get the good parking space,
so you start dropping bodies?
Those parents were horrible.
They deserved what they got.
What about Saul?
Saul had a big mouth!
[ Grunting and laughing ]
Some guy hits on the babysitter,
all of a sudden he's the world's worst dad?
A good parent puts his kids first.
And having a little girl watch her pop get ganked
by the closet monster -- that's putting her first?
In the long run, they'll all be better off.
You think so? Really?
I would have been.
So, your brother.
What'd you do to him?
It's not my fault! It's theirs!
Looks to me like he drowned.
I was screaming...
But my folks...
They didn't listen.
They never listened.
It was an accident.
They let him die!
Ohh!
Yeah! Ohh!
I'll bet you still have nightmares.
In fact, I'll bet you haven't been in the water since.
Shut up!
Because you're afraid.
No!!
[ Gunshots ]
It wasn't my fault.
I'm sorry.
[ Gasping ]
[ Yelling ]
[ Spits ]
[ Sighs ]
Let's roll.
Go ahead. Say it.
[ Laughs ]
I'm sorry.
You look like you got attacked by some PCP-crazed strippers.
[ Laughing ]
Dude, one of them sprayed me with seltzer from his flower.
I'm s-- whew.
What?
Nothing.
Carry on.
Ohh.
That's...
Sam...
I'm sorry for... psychologically scarring you.
Which time?
Shut up. Seriously.
You know, me ditching you when we were kids,
that was a dick move.
You know, the whole clown thing...
You know what, man? Honestly...
Getting my ass kicked by those juggalos tonight was...
It was therapeutic.
- You faced your fear. - Exactly.
And now what else could a clown possibly ever do to me?
- I feel good. - Well, congrats.
By the way, to celebrate...
What? [ Sighs ]
- No! - Yes.
Did you win this?
We earned that.
Ha ha!
Hey. I got you a little something, too, actually.
[ Sighs ]
[ Groans ]
What? You said you were over it.
You can think of it as a...
clown phobia sobriety chip.