Jogging.
I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's.
A door opening or suspicious duck?
Door opening.
Mean's your getting mum's bum.
God, I'd be lucky.
My bottom dropped ages ago.
My farts used to be like, pah.
Now they're just sort of fighting their way out.
I haven't farted in about three years.
Happy Birthday.
She won't eat it.
Thanks.
So, it's a 7pm arrival tonight for a 7:30 surprise, OK?
Yeah, I got your email.
It's really a business birthday thing.
It won't be much fun so just don't expect a party party.
I won't.
And maybe just wear trousers.
And don't drink too much.
There's this huge promotion in Finland.
So this party is quite a serious... I mean, it's basically a business meeting.
Sounds like a blast.
Can I bring a date?
Harry?
Who?
Oh, I don't know yet.
It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.
Why?
Flaunting your life.
God, I can't wait to be old.
If it's any consolation, you look older than you are.
Sorry. Sorry.
Hello, Claire speaking. - Mum died three years ago.
She had a double mastectomy but never really recovered.
It was particularly hard 'cause she had amazing boobs.
She used to tell me I was lucky 'cause mine would never get in the way.
My sister's got whoppers.
But she got all of Mum's good bits.
What's Martin given you?
Oh, cursory stroke'd be nice.
What? No bang bang?
He say's he's still got that thing on his...
What?
On his...
Come on, you can do it.
I don't have to say. - Yes, you do.
No, not here. No. - Come on, little one, come on, please.
Penis. - Thank you.
He says he still has that thing on his penis, sorry.
Christ. Look at that man, tragic.
Nah, he's a con.
You can't call someone who is grieving a con.
That is shit grieving.
Look at him. He is properly keening. - No one grieve-s like that...
Who are you to pass judgement on his grief? - Unless you're in a film or from Italy.
Trust me, he's at a different grave every day. He can't get enough of it.
What?
You come here every day?
Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing
and don't sing happy birthday, I couldn't bear it.
I'm, erm...
I'm actually looking forward to it.
Hi, Harry, it's me...
Um, listen, I know we're broken up
but it's Claire's birthday tonight and I thought that, um...
Er, I thought that maybe, erm... you'd like to come to her...
birthday party.
Um, anyway, give me a call and hope you're OK. Bye.
Can't go outwith a dog.
My boyfriend before Harry
used to make me send him pictures of my vagina wherever I was.
Ten or eleven times a day.
One day when I was temping, he asked me to...
3:1“
Time to throw the net out.
I am so in trouble.
Jesus Christ.
What am I gonna get Claire?
I am meant to get her the perfect present.
I am not drunk.
Always drunk.
I am not drunk. - Oh.
Which is odd because Claire's so straight.
Smack me in the face. Really hard.
Really? - Yeah.
Oh. OK.
Fuck. Think you've given me a semi.
Can I eat a water or a sandwich or something?
I mean, the man's got a problem.
Oh, speak to me. Speak to me.
But no one wants to admit there's a problem
because then they don't get to have crazy nights outwith fun drunk Martin.
Chicken, are you chicken? No.
He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate with everyone
but makes you feel bad if you take offence because he was just being fun.
Honestly, you could tell him you're gonna pop to the loo and he'll say...
Yes, you pop to the loo
pull down your kickers and then I will come in and fuck you.
I mean, this place is ridiculous.
Does anyone ever come in here?
I mean, it is creepy as fuck.
Why don't you get her a guinea pig? It was a surprise hit here.
What? Do you think she'd like a pig? Can I take this one?
No, not that one.
Christ, woman.
There's something wrong with that one, it's got death in its eyes.
Yeah. Vet says she's depressed.
Oh.
Aren't we all, girl?
You know, guinea pigs can die of loneliness.
Can they?
Hold her.
She needs it. - No.
Ssh.
I have an idea.
Ah, he's sexually inappropriate and he eats raw sausages
but no one's made her laugh like he does
so, I guess I have to give him that.
Right, just put your, wait, what are you doing, what are you doing?
No. - All right, stop it.
No, no, no, there. There we go.
I'm an innocent man.
I bought her a necklace with her name on it
that she found and told me not to buy.
I bought her a book, that she already has.
And she says not to buy her any clothes
because she probably won't wear them. She scares me.
Oh, this sandwich is so good.
Look, this is London.
Just fuck off and buy something weird and expensive.
No, no. It's gotta be good, all right? Help me.
Pay me and I'll help you. - Fuck off.
How much?
£60. - 70.
Done. - Yeah.
I don't know who she is.
Is she...?
No.
What about...?
No.
Just... get whoever you are.
Who are you?
I don't know, I... wanna be that person.
I have been that person.
Hot.
But most of the time I'm that person, like everyone else.
They're good, right? Chic?
Chic means boring. Don't tell the French.
What about these?
No. God.
Look, stop checking, all right? Nobody loves you. Help me here.
Who is this person?
Oh, fuck no.
This is perfect!
Get her something she'd never get herself.
Surprise her.
She'll think I've gone nuts.
No, she'll think you see her as this person.
And everyone wants to be this person.
I don't know.
Aren't these for children?
No.
Let's keep going.
I saw some more stuff she'll hate over there.
My neighbour is really fit.
Which one? - The fit one.
The one with the sexy big belly?
No, no, he's the other neighbour.
He's like, he's like, OK.
I'm gonna hold his face in my head so you can see him.
OK.
I'm not getting anything.
Make your face his face. - Yeah, OK.
Is he mixed race? I'm getting mixed...
Yes!
That's him.
Go on...
(30. Yes.
Jesus.
I'm really sorry, we're really high.
We just really wanted to know what you look like.
She thinks you're lovely.
Oh my God, look at my elegant feet.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey. Hello? Hey. Hey!
What's your problem? Who was that?
Er... Oh, no one, it was, er, what?
No, no one, I just need to, I just need to go and get a drink, or something.
OK.
Cool. Excellent.
Can I go get my shoes?
Yeah. OK.
Whoa! Easy, tiger.
Coming from you.
So, come on, who is that heartbreaker, hmm?
He used to go out with 800.
And then he slept with someone else and then she...
Yeah, yeah. I know, OK. Fuck.
I've never really said how sorry I was.
You should get the trainers.
She'll say I don't know her.
You don't.
You're just as bad.
It's never clear what she wants. I should just get her some perfume.
Jesus. Just fuck her.
Please, for the love of a good woman
just wrap your willy up in a bow and just screw her.
She's going insane.
What is it?
You having an affair?
Think you're a clever little puss, don't you?
Little marital poke isn't gonna kill you.
Would it kill her to take me out to dinner?
You girls, Jesus.
Anyone said that to her, they'd be hung.
If they were hung, she probably wouldn't be complaining.
Little advice, from a married man.
Oh.
You should probably get yourself out there, sweetie.
You're just tipping your prime.
Another drink, hmm?
- Bingo.
Excuse me, I have a date.
Get the trainers, shop closes in an hour.
Whoa, God, I was not expecting to see you again.
Shut up.
I mean don't get me wrong, I am chuffed to my boots
but yeah, oh, and thank you for the text. Saucy.
- Oh, and sorry I'm late.
Oh no, it's fine, it was last minute.
No, no, no, I am such a tool box.
You know, I'd like to say I was trying to save a puppy or something
but I just got my coat caught on someone else's coat outside the Tube.
You know, we had to separate ourselves, it was fucking intense.
I had to give him my coat.
What are we doing?
Well, it's my sister's surprise birthday party.
I love surprises, go on.
Yeah, but I just thought, I need to get her a present first.
Oh my God, what are you gonna get her?
I know this beautiful soap shop.
I mean, this stuff just gets you straight in the bath.
Oh, I was thinking more like... - Yeah?
Oh yeah, these places, all the time, so yeah.
You OK?
Yeah.
Sorry. I won't be long.
Oh...
Hi.
- Hi! - Hi.
- Hey.
What are you craving?
Oh, just a really, really cheap thrill.
For you?
Ooh. Hello.
No, it's for her sister.
Yeah, it's for my very sexually frustrated sister.
Just a basic bunny would be great.
OK. Well, I'll see what I can dig out and you go browse.
Thanks.
Oh.
Oh, I think you just do it at the bottom.
It's always a twist.
Ooh.
Whoa. - I know.
Yeah. You should totally get one of those.
A vagina? - Yeah.
Oh, I've already got one.
Really? You have? No, you've got one?
I take it with me everywhere.
Look, no, you lie.
You don't have one on you now?
Yeah. Never gonna get it.
Where?
Where's my vagina? - Yeah.
Ha, you got me!
I don't carry a vagina around with me.
That'd be way too provocative.
Didn't get it.
OK, so this one's really great.
It's half price because it's quite relentless.
It's called The Burrower.
Basically it doesn't stop until you've come.
Excuse me
Oh, don't worry about him.
He'll be fine in a minute.
Oh my god, I love surprise parties.
I love them, I love them, I love them, I love!
Will your parents be there? - My dad might be...
Oh, intense.
Parents adore me.
Um, I want you to be totally in love with me by the end of the night.
OK? - OK.
Who's that?
Oh, it's my sister. - Wow! No. No, no.
We're going to ruin the surprise. - No, no, we...
No, no, no. - No, really. - Get down.
It will be fine.
Surprise!
Oh my God.
Thank you so much. I'm so surprised!
She's very good.
How divine, what a lovely husband you have.
Where is he then?
Ah, busy.
I'm blown away, I had absolutely no idea.
Oh, Hildegard, can I just talk to you for a second?
Hello. - Hello.
Er, Dad. Hi.
Thank you for asking, yeah. I'm essentially a documentary maker.
Docs.
Oh really? What is your latest project?
Well, sir, I'm interested in life.
And how it affects lots of people in all sorts of different ways.
Yeah. It's awesome.
How did you two meet?
Oh, I met her on a bus.
So easy to pick up girls these days.
I was like, hi, and she's like oh take my number.
- I was like yeah.
I'm just gonna see if there are any other wines to try.
It's lovely, I'm just gonna see if there's some others.
Excuse me. Can't resist.
Find anything nicer?
Oh, I was so sorry to hear about Harry.
Lovely Harry.
Love Harry.
Exciting news about his new job.
Yes. Very exciting.
I was so pleased that you found someone else so fast.
Mm.
I just can't stop conjuring an image of you sitting around that café.
Just all alone. Feeling so terribly lonely.
I just can't stop picturing it.
I don't think you have to be alone to be lonely.
Dad always taught me that.
Did your father tell you that one of my pieces has gone missing?
He did. That's awful, I'm so sorry.
So sweet of you. Very sweet.
May I cut in?
Yes, of course.
Do you know, you are the most perfect-looking pair.
Such a great gang.
Do you want some normal food?
No. No.
Erm, what I really want to do is this.
Whoa!
Oh sorry, nothing happened!
I was trying to be sexy.
So... no, it was, it was really sexy. - Was it?
What broke, what broke? Show me.
Nothing, I just slipped. Claire, this is my friend...
Yes, yes. We've already met.
My wife, my wife, my wife.
All of your desires are wrapped up in here.
OK.
Open it.
Well, gold has always...
Wow! Er...
That's really rather wonderful.
Thank you. What is it? Is it a paper weight or...?
It is a shrine to your body.
Because I love your body.
- Thank you.
Wow! Wow. This is really...
Can I, can I see, it's, it's really quite something, yes.
Wow, I think it's really...
Might be a bit inappropriate for your guests to see your body at this...
I'm just... Shall I put it somewhere safe?
OK.
Smooth.
Well, I told you I'd find you a buyer.
Your boy, he is hilarious, smart, funny...
Fuck off.
You'd fuck anything, wouldn't you?
Just don't tell her you got the statue from me, OK?
Oh. How much do you want for it?
Finger up the ass? Nipple tickle?
Come on. Lighten up.
She's gonna leave you one day.
Looking forward to that?
You're an asshole.
Hey!
Hey.
I think you took my coat.
Oh.
I'm sorry. This is my coat.
Oh, sorry.
Why you leaving so early?
Oh, I have to give Hilary some earl grey. She's not feeling well, so.
Oh, got you this.
Oh, I wasn't expecting anything.
It's called The Burrower. It basically won't stop until you come.
Sounds horrendous.
Thank you.
Good birthday business?
Oh, huge.
You know, I don't wanna jinx anything, but huge.
Could be life-changing.
Great.
OK, happy birthday.
Thanks.
Are you OK?
Yeah.
Tell the truth.
Are we leaving?
Yes.
Birthday girl.
Awesome party, thank you so much, we had such a great night.
Oh. Whoa.
Oh, what's that? Oh.
Goodnight.
- Night.
Shall we?
Surprisingly bony.
I've nearly finished, I've nearly finished.
It's like having sex with a protractor.
I'm finishing, I'm finishing.
I'm, I'm done, I'm done. I'm done.
Oh OK.
Whoa! Yeah.
Are you done?
Oh yeah. Yeah.
Amazing, that was amazing.
That was amazing. - Yeah. Yeah
That was amazing. - Yeah.
For fuck's sake.
What?
OK, you don't go through life with teeth like these
and not know when someone's pretending.
What the fuck is that?! I'll kick it, I'll kick it.
No. no.
I'll kick it, I'll kick it. What?
Did we catch that, or is that yours?
That is a rat. - It's a guinea pig.
That is a rat.