- Synced and corrected by MasterCookie - - www.addic7ed.com -
Is it wrong that I'm excited
about our kids getting their wisdom teeth out?
I wouldn't go wide with it.
I just think it'll be fun to have Sue and Axl trapped here,
you know, all needy and in pain.
Wait, that doesn't sound right.
It's just... remember when they were little and our prisoners?
Well, not our prisoners, but...
But before they could hop the baby gate.
Yeah.
And the were all squishy and helpless,
and we could just love on them whenever we wanted to.
Yeah, that was more your thing.
Why am I even here?
Why are you making me do this?
My teeth feel totally fine.
Look, we knew you were gonna have to
get your wisdom teeth out,
and it's better to do it now before it starts hurting.
Plus, I get a 40% discount at Smile Superstars,
and you never know when I'm gonna be fired.
My spring breaks always suck.
Not this time... I'm gonna take care of you.
I'm gonna bring you soup
and make your favorite lime-green Jell-O.
Oh, my God, that's Brick's favorite.
It's always all about him!
Not so fast.
Every time you two come home from college,
you think you can just breeze in,
and everything goes back to the way it was.
Well, things have changed.
There's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Brick.
Now, here's how it's gonna go down.
One... I now have first dibs on the bathroom
during the peak hours of 7:00 to 9:00.
Two... I control the remote, trumped only by Dad.
It goes Dad, me, you two... Then Mom.
Three... I'm not sitting in the lawn chair at meals anymore.
Whatever. It doesn't matter. We...
I believe I was talking.
And four... "The Dukes of Hazzard" beach towel
is no longer my bath towel.
Mom bought me a real bath towel.
You two may now choose between the Dukes
and the scratchy one that used to line the bunny's cage.
So, that's how it's gonna be from now and hitherto forthwith.
You're adorable.
Missed you.
So, when my teeth come out,
there's not gonna be any shifting, right?
Because I've been told I have spongy bone.
Also, I pronate a little when I run.
Oh, and if anything happens to me during surgery,
do not allow my brother to freeze my head.
Too late... already cleared out a space next to my Hot Pockets.
Okay, so, just sit tight,
and the doctor should be in in a minute.
Just to be clear, I get the people doctor.
This one's gonna need a vet.
Tell you what... I've got an older brother, too.
How about I do you a favor and put him to sleep first?
Big problemo, Mike.
Marlene's back in town.
You got to hide me.
Why? She's not pregnant, is she?
Well, no. Why?
You guys have a thing on the side or something?
- What? - Oh.
No, it's just, uh, she caught me at Dad's yesterday,
and she really laid into me.
She was like, "You're the worst ex-husband ever.
You're not forwarding my mail.
The diaper business belongs to me.
You took the good tire off my car."
She was... Wait, wait, wait, back up.
It's true, Mike.
I... I don't forward her mail.
No, after that.
Why would she say the diaper business belongs to her?
Oh. Oh, well, you know women.
Yeah, they... They're always so possessive.
What with that and it being her idea and all.
Her idea?
What the hell are you talking about?
You know what? I don't think hiding me is such a good idea.
I wish we could just switch faces.
You know, like in that movie.
I can't put my finger on it.
I want to say, uh, "Cinema Paradiso," is it?
Are you telling me that the diapers were Marlene's idea?
Uh, oh, yeah.
But don't worry about that.
I got another winner brewing, and it's all mine.
It's the human hand back scratcher.
I know a fella who works down in the morgue,
and he can get me buckets of hands.
And the great thing is the nails keep growing after you die.
That's a true story.
Remember when we were little
and I stopped you from drinking that Mop & Glo?
Yeah.
Kind of regretting that right now.
I wouldn't worry about it, Mike.
She was pretty drunk yesterday.
I bet she doesn't remember a thing.
That might be her.
Morning, sleepy head. Mommy's here.
You're all done. It went great.
Where did I keep my
You've got gauze in your mouth, sweetheart.
I can't understand you.
Why is Julia Roberts here?
Did Julia Roberts do my surgery?
That's not Julia Roberts, honey.
I work with her.
You work with Julia Roberts?
Let's get my little chickies back in the nest.
Oh.
All right, here we go, honey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, yeah. That's so nice.
Oh, just lean on me, honey.
That's right, Mommy's got you.
- Thank you, Mommy. - Aww.
Look, Marlene, I got to tell you,
I'm a little confused about what's going on here.
What's confusing?
Rusty stole my heart, my virginity, and my idea.
No, wait, that's wrong.
It was just heart and idea.
Yeah, look, I'm trying to keep my cool here,
so can you guys just walk me through
how exactly you figure this is your idea?
Well, she wanted to get something to eat,
so we decided to buy a lottery ticket.
And then we won.
Except it turns out that to officially get the money,
you need to have more than one number correct.
What does this have anything to do with anything?
Well, Mr. Impatient.
Then we went home, and she came up with the idea.
Sheesh, sure know how to wreck a story, don't you?
Yeah. I'm on to you, Mike.
I want my share.
You tried to cut me out, but you can't.
I'm gonna stick to you like pasties on a stripper's boob.
I'm...
Look, I know it's not obvious
from my palatial surroundings here,
but we're barely turning a profit.
We're not making money on this. We're putting money into it.
You two think I'm an idiot? I seen "Dateline."
I know about your offshore accounts.
How'd she find out about the offshore accounts?
We don't even have onshore accounts.
Look, she's obviously got us.
I say we move on to the human hand back scratcher.
Now, turn around, and I'm gonna scratch your back
with my hand and a piece of wood.
You tell me which feels better.
I'll hold my hand so it seems dead.
It'll be like the Pepsi Challenge
but with dead hands.
Come on!
Okay, I thought that when we get home,
we can all snuggle up and watch the copy of "Free Willy"
that we "forgot" to return to the video store
before it went out of business.
Ooh, and I dug up
all the arts and crafts stuff from the basement.
We are gonna have so much fun together this week, I promise.
- Hm. - Thank you for your service.
Thank you for your service.
Na, na, na, na, na, na
Batman
Hey. There's something in my mouth.
Yeah, honey, that's supposed to be there.
Just leave it.
It's gauze.
Why is there gauze in my mouth?
Why would Julia Roberts do that to me?
Sue. Sue, sweetie, put that back in.
What are you doing?
I want to get them on tape agreeing to my new terms.
Axl, Sue, repeat after me.
We agree that Brick has total control over the house,
and we are merely visitors.
Visitors, visitors, visitors.
Isn't it weird how if you repeat a word over and over again,
it loses its meaning?
Plaid, plaid, plaid.
Shh! Everybody, this is important.
Did I say anything?
Come on, guys. We agree...
Brick, now just stop it. Put it away.
It's not nice to take advantage of them
when they're all drugged up.
Ooh, wait. Ask Axl if he's dating anyone first.
Oh, and find out if he's the one that took my tweezers.
You're nice.
I am?
Mm-hmm. You're a good person
'cause I say mean things all the time and you just smile.
You're nice.
So nice
'cause you do things for people, and I don't.
Sometimes I need a fork, and you get it for me.
And that's why you're gonna succeed in life...
'cause you get people forks.
When you say you need a fork, I just say,
"Why? You can eat out of your dog bowl."
Who does that?
I mean, I'm a jerk.
You're nice, and I love you.
Really?
True dat, sista.
I really do.
Oh, my God.
You have gauze in your mouth, too.
They're doing it to everybody.
Hey, guys.
Who's up for Mom's famous raspberry Jell-O?
See? Brick's lime, you're raspberry.
I remember.
Knock, knock.
Oh, hey, Brad.
I'm not sure the kids are up for visitors right now.
Oh, this is not a social visit, Mrs. Heck.
My latest AmeriCorps gig has me working at a nursing home,
so my caretaking skills are on point.
I brought Jell-O in dinosaur shapes.
Although, when I go to the old people's home
I cut them in the shape of grandchildren.
- But I alre... - Oh, tch, tch, tch!
Don't worry, Mrs. Heck.
Think of this like "Downton Abbey"
and I'm one of the basement people.
You won't have to do a thing.
And I didn't.
- Oh. - Oh.
Here's your soup.
Now, let me just fluff your pillow
so you can sit up and eat.
Got it Mrs. Heck.
Now, the secret is to fluff from the bottom up.
See how I'm doing it here?
Mm-hmm.
What's that?
Oh, it's my nana's famous soup from Italy.
Oh, I already gave them my famous soup from a can.
I could make it from scratch, but they won't have it.
They like the tinny taste.
Reminds them of when they were little... memories, you know.
Oh.
Oh, my God, this is what soup tastes like?
I had no idea.
Hey, guys.
Look what I found in the basement.
Who's up for a little Sand Art?
Shh! Brad's doing improv games.
It's incredible.
You just give him an occupation and location,
and then he does it.
It's better than watching TV.
Watch. Okay, Brad, now you're a pizza maker.
In outer space.
Got it.
Oh, when will this pie come-a down?
Why'd I open a pizza parlor on-a Mars-a?
This place has-a no atmosphere.
Uh, Brad, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute?
Oh, but-a Mrs. Heck-a...
Now.
- Oh. - What?
- Boo. - Boo.
Here's the thing, Brad.
The whole Mary Poppins thing you have going is great,
but I can tell the kids are tired.
I know Sue wants to sleep,
and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
Oh. Well, I'll go ask her.
No! Don't ask her.
We don't want her to talk.
See, I'm a dental expert,
and they do say 48 hours on the couch.
Oh, and no friends around. That's kind of a biggie.
It was a test question.
I remember 'cause I got it right.
Oh. All right.
I guess I could go.
Right after we play a quick game of Old Maid.
The cards are pop star-themed,
so Britney Spears is the Old Maid.
Trippy, right?
- Get out. - What?
I'm gonna give you a location... Not here.
And your occupation is man leaving.
Oh, okay.
I'll keep the soup.
Well, that's just great. Brad wore them out
so they fell asleep halfway through "Free Willy."
I pinched them a couple times to try to wake them up,
but they were out.
Boy, you try to be a good mom.
So, I talked to your third cousin Jean, the paralegal.
Oh, yeah? What did you find out?
It's not good, Frankie.
If Marlene came up with the idea and told Rusty,
it's something called implied contract.
She could sue us.
Yeah, but would she really?
It's Marlene. She's crazy.
She'll probably forget all about it tomorrow.
Yeah, but what if she doesn't?
I sunk every penny we had into this business.
Remember that jar of pennies
that used to be sitting right here?
You know why it's not here now?
It's in the business.
So, if we ever start seeing some real profits,
she could come back at any time and try to claim it.
In a month, a year, whenever.
But that is so unfair.
You're the one that made a working prototype.
You made the sales calls. You found a distributor.
You made a Twitter.
This has been a second job for you.
And now she can just come and take it?
No, I say we fight this, Mike.
We fight this the way we fought
that whole healthy snack thing in preschool.
The next day, Sue and Axl were feeling better,
but that just gave them more energy to argue.
Give it.
Actually, I believe the person who's going to pick
what to watch is me.
And we are going to watch "How the States Got Their Shapes."
I want to find out why Tennessee is a parallelogram.
- No way. - Ugh!
Oh, I think we are. I have a verbal agreement.
What are you talking about?
I recorded you and Sue on the way home from the dentist.
You agreed to all my terms.
I'm in charge now. Listen.
Visitors, visitors, visit...
No, that's not it.
and you just smile.
You're nice.
So nice.
No, I think it's after this.
No, no, no, wait, go back.
- What was what? - What?
That thing Axl said.
Oh, that's when he was telling you how much he loves you.
You don't remember?
- No. - That never happened.
It didn't even sound like me.
'Cause you do things for people and I don't.
Sometimes I need a fork, and you get it for me.
You taped me without telling... Illegal.
Entrapment... turn it off.
- No! - You're nice, and I love you.
Ah! Turn it off, turn it off!
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you said that.
That is the nicest thing I've ever heard.
I think I'm gonna cry.
No, seriously, seriously, I think I'm gonna cry.
No, you're not 'cause that video is totally bogus.
No, it's not.
You meant it.
When your defenses were down,
you weren't afraid to tell me that you loved me.
Axl, that is so sweet!
That is so gone!
Deleted. No!
My verbal agreement!
Axl, why would you do that?
'Cause you were gonna make it your ring tone
or post it to Instagram
or something embarrassing like that.
I would not!
Maybe I wanted it because it was nice,
and maybe I wanted it just for me.
But no, you had to ruin it because you ruin everything.
Gah!
Okay, paralegal says we got to get her to sign a waiver
and release form giving up all claim to the company.
So, we got to just reason with her.
With her, the trick is to be charming.
It's like that prince... What's his name?
He's really charming.
- Prince Charming. - Prince...
Phillip... Prince Phillip.
Okay, that's fine. You charm her, okay?
The important thing is that this ends today
'cause we don't want her coming back, not ever.
Not ever... wait a minute.
You want to kill her?
No, Rusty.
What I'm saying is you used to be married to her,
so try to take advantage of whatever creepy spark
attracted you in the first place.
Oh, I see where you're going with this.
You want me to marry her again,
take her to the Grand Canyon for our honeymoon.
- No. - Pose for a quick photo on the edge,
and then oops... Just another selfie gone bad.
I like it.
Plus, I've never been to the Grand Canyon, so win-win.
No, Rusty. We're not gonna murder her.
Oh, right, yes. We already all heard you.
Not murdering her.
Look, hey.
I'll do all the talking about the business.
You just take care of
doing whatever it is that she likes you to do.
Got it?
Got it. Uh-oh, I think she lawyered up.
I'm pretty sure that's not her lawyer.
That's her lawyer.
Hey.
I brought backup in case you decided to murder me.
That's ridiculous.
This is my associate, Daphne.
I'm named after the hot one in "Scooby Doo."
Okay.
Um, I didn't think it was gonna be a social thing.
I thought we were gonna talk business.
Smart thinking.
If we do it here, we can write off our drinks.
I saw that on "The Good Wife."
You know who was the good wife... you.
Remember that divorce we had?
All my fault.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
you got great boobs.
Mmm!
Well, guess that just leaves us.
Hey!
I want to talk to you.
I think in the past, I would have let everything go
because I am a very positive person,
but this is the year of Sue 2.0.
So I'm just gonna say it.
I am really upset you deleted that video.
Seriously?
That was like eight hours ago. Get over it.
I just don't get it, Axl.
What is so embarrassing about saying you love your sister?
Would you just leave me alone?
I'm trying to take a nap.
No, you are 22 years old, Axl.
Are you ever gonna grow out of this?
What?
I mean, are you afraid of being vulnerable?
Oh! Make it stop.
Ooh, that's it. Isn't it, Axl?
You hide behind your little quips and your little digs,
but you know what I think? I think you're nice.
- Pffft! - I think you're sweet...
- No. - And loving
and a caring person
who has feelings of affection for his family.
And you just don't want anyone else to know it.
I'm not listening to this anymore.
No.
You need to face yourself, Axl.
I am your mirror.
Look at me and face me.
If you were my mirror, I'd kill myself.
Aaah! See?
Why did you say that?
I know you love me.
You love Brick.
You love our family.
Why do you think you come home from college all the time?
Do you really need to do that much laundry?
No, you are coming home because you miss us,
and you want to be here.
Say it, Axl. Say you love me.
No. Would you just stop it? Let me go.
There's nowhere else to even go. Just say it!
What?
Well, apparently, this is what Axl left me to dry off with.
I don't know why I ever thought
I'd have any power in this house.
So disappointing.
Hey, you're a Heck.
Disappointment is your birthright.
- Hm. - Here, dip some of these flowers.
They're fun.
They're from before the government banned chemicals.
Sure, why not?
You know, I get it, Brick.
I was so looking forward to the kids' dental surgery.
It was gonna be a fun time for me.
Remember when Axl broke his collarbone?
That was such a good week.
You know, I thought this was Elvis, but it's an eagle.
Hm.
Hello.
Oh, hey. How's it going with Marlene?
Not good.
I think I'm on a double date.
What?
Yeah, Marlene brought some crazy boozehound with her,
and she's nuts. She's all over me.
Well, you be nice to her.
Dance with her,
ask her questions about herself, be charming.
Kiss her on the mouth if you have to.
Just get that thing signed.
Oh, and grab some bar napkins.
We're out of toilet paper.
Mike, listen.
Don't be mad, but I don't think I want to
do your "killing her" plan anymore.
Rusty...
Hey, you may not know this because of your wife,
but women can be very seductive.
Kissing Marlene made me realize
I still have that old spark for her.
We were in the bathroom stall and she was pulling...
I do not need to know!
You know what? I've had enough of this.
I'm done messing around. I'm gonna lay it on the line.
Marlene, let's talk.
There's nothing to talk about. It's my company.
Yeah, look.
We put a lot of work, not to mention money
into starting that business.
And could you not do that maybe?
'Cause I want to talk to Marlene.
If you don't get more fun,
I'm not gonna take you home to meet my son.
Okay.
Look, you can sweet-talk me all you want, but it was my idea
for people to wear a diaper to a sporting event.
And if you've got some problem with women in the workplace,
I might have to let you go.
You can't fire me 'cause that's...
Wait, what was your idea?
I missed three rounds of cage fighting
'cause I was stuck in the bathroom.
So I told Rusty
next time we should wear diapers to the match.
That's it? That's all you said?
Well, who thought about
the putting sports teams' logos on babies' diapers?
Oh, that was all me. That was me.
Are you kidding me?
I stayed up all night worrying about this,
and all Marlene said was
she wanted to wear a diaper to a stupid cage fight?
If it wasn't for me,
Rusty wouldn't have even been thinking about diapers.
Maybe, but that's two very different things.
And if you like, I can get
my wife's third cousin, who's a paralegal, on the phone,
and she'd be very happy to explain that to you.
Tell you what, Marlene.
I'm gonna be very generous with you here.
This is $37 and change
for you to walk away for good.
And that is more profit than you'd ever see from Li'l Rivals.
Best 37 bucks I ever spent.
Called your cousin Jean, she said everything's good.
She said to say hi to Lorraine?
Well, I can see no one agreed to my lawn-chair demands either.
Fine.
Potato me.
- Thank you. - Mmhmm.
And we don't have worry about Marlene anymore.
I don't think so.
I don't think there will be any sign of her in the future.
Okay, I got the best idea.
Mashed potatoes in between two circles of Jell-O.
Mm? Mashed Po-Jell-O sandwich.
I'm in.
Sue, are you crying? Why are you crying?
Axl gave me a fork.
I thought she was off the painkillers.
So, spring break didn't turn out how I thought it would.
I didn't get to spend time with Axl and Sue,
but I did get to spend time with Brick.
Sometimes you think you're getting an Elvis,
but you end up with an eagle.
And eagles are pretty great, too.
This huge... whoa!
Ow.
That's okay, honey. Mommy's here.
- Synced and corrected by MasterCookie - - www.addic7ed.com -