Frankie: Out here in the Middle,
we're used to having things sprung on us--
tornadoes, floods, locusts.
But some things you never see coming.
I'm having five friends over after school today.
What?
You're having five friends over?
- You have five friends? - Yep.
For the past few months,
we've gotten to be a pretty tight-knit group.
We share a lot of the same interests.
I thought you always wanted me to have friends over.
These are people, right?
Not bugs.
Yeah, people.
No, it's-- it's great, Brick.
It's-- it's just that, you know, the house isn't clean.
Well, if we have to wait for that...
No, I just meant that, you know, if we're having people over,
I just would like to be a little more organized.
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Sue: No, I can't do that, Axl!
I cannot miss morning announcements.
- Mom. Axl: - One thing!
I ask you to do one thing!
Okay, knock it off!
Stop fighting with your brother.
Where is your brother?
I'm right here.
I got class at 9:00,
and Sue won't help me find my psych notes.
I must have left them there last time I was home
gracing you people with my glorious presence.
Everyone is not here just to serve you, Axl.
Oh, mom, I need you to move
my orthodontist appointment on Friday
so I can go to the county fair with Darrin.
His uncle is entering his prized pig in the contest.
Won't his uncle be mad
when you went to the contest and beat him?
Shut up, Axl! Mom!
Fine, I'll move the appointment.
- Mom. - Oh, and it can't be Wednesday.
That's when I have my JP-La meeting.
I'm gonna need snacks for when my friends are over.
I'm thinking a nice cheese-and-cracker platter
with bologna rolls lined around the side for presentation.
It's important to feed the eyes, as well as the body.
But do mine first.
What are you doing?
Oh, Dr. Goodwin wants coffee for the waiting room.
I told him I'd bring this in, but I keep forgetting it.
Does he want you to clean it with a toilet brush?
Relax, this is brand-new I bought specifically for this.
Yeah, I...
[ Sniffs ] Yeah.
Tick-tock, people. My notes?!
Hello?! Come on.
What, Axl? What exactly are you looking for?
Just walk me around. I'll know it when I see it.
Oh, and for the crackers, nothing with seeds.
Are you writing this down?
Nope. Nope.
Man, this place is a mess.
And write down to remember to switch my appointment,
but not before 3:30.
Got it. Got it. Crackers, seeds, 3:30.
Oh, that's it!
Right there, under the doughnuts.
Now read them to me.
Axl, I am not going to read you your notes.
- I've got to get to work. - Oh, my God!
I'm finally giving it my all
and doing solid, C-level work here,
and you're just gonna abandon me?!
- Nice cyber-parenting, mom! - [ Stammers ]
It's not like I could read any of this stuff, anyway.
It's just drawings of dragons and random woman-fish combos.
Well, then, you're gonna have to go down
to the copy place and fax them to me.
No, you know what, Axl?
You're the one who left his notes.
You shouldn't be rewarded for it.
It's your responsibility, not mine.
[ Groans ]
I'll fax them when I get to work.
Frankie: Now that they were officially dating,
Sue and Darrin were seeing a lot more of each other...
...which meant we were also seeing
a lot more of Sue and Darrin.
Oh, my God, Darrin. You have crazy-long eyelashes.
Oh, no, they're not so long.
No, they are. Look at them!
[ Laughs ] You can't look at your own eyes.
[ Laughs ]
I love how you scrunch your nose when you laugh.
[ Volume increases ] You have the cutest laugh.
I do not. [ Laughs ]
Yes, you do.
Stop. [ Laughs ]
I'm serious. It's adorable.
He's got crazy-long eyelashes, and you've got the cutest laugh.
There. It's settled.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Birds chirping ]
Stolen, Mike-- my car was stolen.
Why would somebody steal our crappy car?
Probably for parts
'cause nobody would want that thing as a whole.
I mean, I go outside, and gone.
The car is gone.
Yep, going to church every Sunday's really paying off.
Axl: Hey, if I find it, can I have it?
No.
What are you doing here?
My clock broke, and I'm about to take a nap,
so I need you guys to wake me in an hour.
- Goodbye, Axl. - No, don't--
I mean, what kind of place is this
where you go outside and somebody steals
your old, crappy car in the middle of the day?
Are we gonna have to move to a smaller town?
'Cause I at least need a liquor store
with self-serve yogurt.
All right, look, I'll check in with the police again
and call insurance and see what we can get for it.
Oh, tell them I left
a brand-new bag of cookies on the front seat.
Could go to motive.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Brick: My friends are here.
Oh, crap. Now?!
Come on in, ladies. Watch your step.
- Oh, aren't you a dear? - What a sharp-looking shirt.
Brick: Mom, I'd like you to meet
Violet, Opal Ruth, Sparkle, Helen, and Myrtle.
Very nice to meet you.
Hey, Brick, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Mm-hmm. I'll be right in. - Okay.
[ Indistinct talking ]
Woman: Any room?
When you told me you were having friends over,
did you think there was anything special
you should mention about your friends?
Oh, right.
Helen just lost her husband,
so don't play any Duke Ellington in the house.
Ah.
Anything else, like,
oh, I don't know, they're a thousand?
Sorry.
They were renovating the conference room at the library,
so I told the gals we could have book club here.
Speaking of which, how are we doing on the snacks?
Not well, Brick.
Did you not hear my car got stolen?
Look, if you forgot, just say you forgot.
[ Sighs ]
- See you, Frankie. - Have a good night, Tina.
Thanks, you too.
- Oh, hey, you need a ride? - No, I'm good.
My neighbor's coming to get me.
People really rally around you when your car gets stolen.
Oh, you didn't hear?
Last week, right here from this parking lot
in broad daylight.
I mean, it's just so shocking
that something like this would happen.
I can't believe someone would steal my car.
You mean the blue one with the scratch on the side?
Mm-hmm.
It's in the back.
It's been parked there all week.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh. Right.
D-A-R-- Darrin.
Sue: Ohh, you're so good at this!
Thanks.
It's funny 'cause I'm a terrible real speller
but a really good arm speller.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
I know we said no boys in the bedroom,
but maybe we should rethink it
'cause I got to get him out of my family room.
Maybe if Sue leaves the door open?
[ Chuckles ]
What?
Oh, it's just... I have the funniest story.
I-- You are not gonna believe this,
but, um, my car has been found.
It has been retrieved.
Really?!
That's great! They caught the guy?
Well, kind of.
Uh, this is actually the funny part
that is also a really good sign for humanity, actually?
Um, it was never stolen.
I just left it in the back and forgot.
[ Laughs ] [ Bottle opens ]
- What? - [ Sighs ]
It's not my fault, Mike.
It wasn't where I usually park it.
See, I just pulled around the back
to drop off the coffee urn,
which was not part of my usual routine.
Are you kidding? It's been there the whole week?
How could you not know where you parked your car?
'Cause I always park in the front.
Axl: Oh, my God. That is hilarious.
Why are you here again, Axl?
Shouldn't you be studying?
Wait, what happened?
Oh, good. Did you find your car?
Who stole it?
It was an inside job-- very inside.
I don't think it matters who stole it
or if it got stolen or what happened.
The important thing is we got it back
and people are good at heart.
I mean, that's what we should be focusing on.
So you're telling me I spent every lunch this week
filing police reports and digging out insurance papers,
and you just forgot where you parked it?
That's mom for you!
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, my God. You forget everything.
- I do not. - Really?
How about the time you couldn't find your phone,
and it turns out you were just talking on it.
He's right, mom. You did do that.
Movies!
She can never remember the names of any movies she sees.
That is completely untrue. Mike, tell them.
We were just talking about movies yesterday.
"The one with the actress
who adopted the African-American baby,
but not Charlize Theron, the one before her"
is not technically the name of a movie.
Face it, dad.
Her brain's cheese.
Maybe she should get a CAT scan.
I am not getting a CAT scan.
Oh, actually, mom, that's not a bad idea.
Last week, you left the groceries
on the stoop all night long.
From what Myrtle says about her sister, Edna,
once they start, it's a slippery slope till they go.
- Hmm. - Oh, my God. That'll be so sad.
- Dad's gonna fall apart. - I'll be all right.
Yeah, dad'll be fine.
I know some lovely widows that would be all over that action.
He's not going for one of your bitties, Brick.
He's gonna have a lot of options.
[ Gasps ] Ooh!
Maybe he'll bring in someone to take care of us,
and then he'll fall in love with her
like Maria in "The Sound Of Music."
And, hey, maybe she'll actually be able to cook.
Our bodies would probably go into shock at first,
but then it it would be great.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, that's enough.
Frankie, even if your mind is totally shot,
I promise I'm not marrying anybody.
I'm probably just gonna want to date around for a while.
[ Laughter ]
Frankie: So while everyone was all over me,
Mike made it his job
to make sure no one was all over Sue.
[ Sue laughs ]
He lifted the ban against boys in Sue's room
on the one condition that her door stay open.
[ Sue laughs ]
The only problem with an open door
is you could hear everything.
You want me to tickle your arm again?
Darrin: No, I got a new game.
And the only thing worse than hearing everything
is not hearing anything.
Oh, I love crazy eights.
But I've never played it that way before.
That's it. No boys in the bedroom.
Okay, guys, hit the couch.
I am calling a family meeting.
[ Groans ] What am I even doing here?
I'm barely even a part of this family.
Frankie: Um, I have an empty fridge and a clogged toilet
that says otherwise.
Okay, here's the thing-- I've had an epiphany.
[ All groan ]
Let me guess-- you're old and your life isn't fulfilling.
You're taking back the house.
There's gonna be major changes.
You're not gonna yell anymore.
You're losing them, Frankie.
Look, the reason I wanted to talk to you is
because although presented in a way
that was not entirely kind,
I do think you guys brought up
some interesting points the other day.
I mean, I have been losing it lately.
I can't remember things the way I used to.
And the reason that I can't remember squat
is because of you people.
My brain can't think its own thoughts
because it's got all your crap in there
crowding out all the space.
There's an elephant in the room,
and its name is menopause.
[ Sighs ]
I have to keep track of your orthodontist appointments
and you need your notes faxed
and can I please buy your old-lady snacks
and, "Frankie, remind me.
We got to pay that whatever by Friday."
I'm tired of being your junk drawer.
You people have perfectly good brains
capable of storing your own information,
and instead, you dump it all into mine
and it fills and it fills and it crowds out all my thoughts
and that's how I end up losing my car.
- Hey, don't lump me in with them. - Oh, you're lumped.
Look, the point is, it's not working anymore.
It's not working for me, and it's not working for you.
And that's why I'm establishing office hours.
- What's office hours? - Huh? - What does that even mean?
Frankie: It means that from now on,
every day between 5:00 and 6:00,
I will be sitting at the kitchen table
with my undivided attention waiting to hear
whatever crap you kids need from me.
So if you need something signed,
a check written, a schedule changed,
that would be the time to calmly make that request--
not screaming it at me as I'm running out of the house,
or slipping a note under the bathroom door
while I'm on the toilet.
So we're not allowed to talk to you at all
unless it's between 5:00 and 6:00?
Well, that would probably be more of a phase-two thing,
but I like the way you're thinking.
Frankie: Yep, I've had some low-grade, B-level epiphanies before,
but I got to say, I knocked this one out of the park.
And I need you to move my scoliosis appointment
on the 15th.
Brad and I are offering a free self-esteem workshop
after school that day.
"Don't listen to the crowd. You're great."
Hmm. Okay.
Moving scoliosis appointment.
Anything else?
Yes, on Tuesday, I'm gonna need a ride
to visit Sparkle in the hospital.
Bless her heart, she's getting her fourth knee.
Ohh. Ride on Tuesday. Got it.
Is that all?
No. I also need a check.
Me and Hutch found this awesome apartment for next year.
Sue: And don't forget I need you to sign
my application for Miss Teen Orson.
Fingers crossed.
I inadvertently chewed a girl's hair,
so you might be getting a call from my teacher about that.
Did you guys take out a credit card in my name?
We did it as Axl J Heck, so you should be fine.
We're not morons. What else do you need?
Index cards.
More underwear.
Italian wedding cookies.
[ Car horn honks ]
Well, that's my ride
to the Kay Kyser Big Band Experience.
Oh, don't wait up.
We might stop afterwards and get a little nosh.
Mike. I came into the kitchen.
Yes. I can see that.
And do you know why? 'Cause I do.
I am here to get a screwdriver,
and I know what I'm gonna do with it.
I'm gonna use it to pry out
that wad of q-tips from the bathroom drawer.
Hmm.
My locker combination from junior high-- 23-42-7.
The first actress that adopted the cute African-American baby
was, oh, yeah, Sandra Bullock.
? I'm all out of love ?
? I'm so lost without you ?
Whoo! I know all the lyrics now.
Ohh, my brain is mine again, Mike-- mine.
You have no idea how freeing this is.
Are you sure they're okay in the basement together?
I threw a tennis ball down the stairs to scare them,
but what else can we do?
- What? - Sue and Darrin.
They're downstairs.
Are we sure this is such a great idea?
Well, you didn't want them in the family room.
You didn't want them in Sue's room.
Where else are they supposed to go?
I don't know. I don't like it, Frankie.
Look, you're the one
that was all worked up about Sue and Darrin.
Now all of a sudden, you're not?
I don't know what to tell you Mike.
Maybe it's just with my mind clear,
I'm feeling more zen about the whole thing.
I'm just more centered now.
Well, you're definitely more annoying.
Well...
- [ Gasps ] - What?
[ Gasps ]
- Let go! - I'm trying!
You're ruining my favorite sweater!
Stupid swatch!
Huh?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Help!
Darrin: Oh.
Hey, Mr. Heck.
Upstairs. Now.
Listen, sir, I know that may have looked bad,
but I want you to know that I have
the utmost respect for your daughter.
Well, not just her, but you, too.
I mean, the reason I come here so much
is because you make me feel so comfortable.
Then that's my fault if I've given you
any impression that you should feel comfortable.
Here's what you need to know about you and me.
Think of it like a soccer game.
You're a player. I'm the goalkeeper.
You can't use your hands.
I only play defense.
I'm the world's best goalkeeper,
and I'm gonna do everything I can to stop you.
Bottom line-- you will not be scoring on me.
Got it?
I understand what you're saying, sir.
I guess I just want you to know that I care a lot about Sue
and that I would never do anything to hurt her
and that you can trust me.
[ Sighs ]
Here's all I need to know about you, Darrin--
you're 19 and a male.
I will never trust you.
Actually, I'm 20.
I skipped a grade.
That's the one where you repeat a year, right?
No, that's getting held back.
Oh, yeah. That's the one I did.
Yeah.
Okay.
Sorry. Sorry I'm late.
Whoo.
Shoot.
Well, after months of reading about clubs,
wives, and counties, the book club is finally reading
something I recommended-- "Planet Nowhere."
Your meter's running, Brick. What do you need?
Well, I thought it would be fun,
as part of our follow-up discussion,
if I made Silligan noses for everyone to wear.
So can you scoot me over to the fabric store?
Sue: Mom, you have to talk to dad.
He is being ridiculous.
He yelled at my boyfriend
when we weren't even doing anything.
Axl: Hey, what I have to say
is way more important than whatever they're saying.
- Axl, it is not your turn! - I was here first.
I'm screwed out of my apartment thanks to you.
What? What are you talking about?
The landlord told me this morning
he needed a deposit by 3:00 today,
but I couldn't talk to you until 5:00
'cause of your stupid office hours.
And it was above a tanning salon.
Way to go, mom!
Axl, that is ridiculous.
If you needed that check by 3:00,
you should have called me and told me.
But that's not what you said.
You said we could only talk to you during office hours.
- You keep changing the rules. - I'm not changing the rules.
Obviously, if there's a real problem,
I will deal with it outside of office hours.
Well, how are we supposed to know that?
- Face it, this is all your fault! - It is not my fault!
Axl, you are old enough to realize that--
You know what? Forget it.
I'm done. The office is closed.
- No. - No, mom, wait, wait!
Sue, pick me up and follow her! I need to talk to mom!
- Ohh, I'll pay you 10 bucks. - Fine!
But that's on top of the $20 you already owe me
from serving you dinner in the bathtub.
Mom, the least you could do is buy me a car
'cause I guess I'll be living in it!
Stop following me, Axl-- I mean, Sue.
Hello? I don't think I got a firm answer on the fabric store.
And I never got an answer if you're gonna talk to dad or not.
You know, Axl had girls over all the time,
and he never confronted them.
Axl, tell her. Tell her! Tell her. Tell her!
Okay, everybody just needs to calm down and give me a minute.
No, no, no. This is our time now.
You can't take one of our minutes.
Come on, mom. Silligan noses don't grow on trees.
Actually, they do in one book, but--
Mom, mom, just ignore these losers and listen to me!
Axl, stop interrupting!
Okay, Axl, you know what? I am done with this.
Here, I am not carrying you anymore. Brick, you carry him.
I don't want to carry him.
- I need everybody-- - Ohh!
[ Crashes ]
Dad?
Can I talk to you a sec?
Okay.
I want to know what you said to Darrin.
What I had to say to Darrin is between me and Darrin.
When Axl was dating Cassidy,
did you talk to Cassidy and not tell Axl?
That was different.
How?
Look, Sue,
there are just certain... types of situations
that I'm trying to help you avoid.
Like what types of situations?
- I don't know. Just stuff. - What stuff?
I don't know. Just stuff.
Look, dad, if this is about kissing,
Darrin and I are going to kiss, okay?
That is what boyfriends and girlfriends do.
I know that.
That-- that-- that's not the stuff that I'm talking about.
Then what stuff?
What else do you think I would do?
Oh!
Oh! My God!
Dad!
Do you even know me at all?
No. That is not happening!
I am not ready for that.
Oh, okay.
Well, good, then.
And by the way, when it does eventually happen,
it is not going to be in a basement.
It is going to be in front of a beautiful, roaring fire
and a Christmas tree.
Ah... don't need the details.
[ Exhales sharply ]
Look, Sue, um...
I'm just flying by the seat of my pants here, okay?
I didn't have any sisters or anything, and, uh...
I guess whenever I thought of being a dad,
I didn't think of being a dad to a girl, so...
I guess I'm saying I'm gonna make mistakes,
but I'm not gonna apologize
for protecting my daughter, okay?
I'm-- I'm just not.
Aw. [ Chuckles ]
You know, dad, I'm okay.
I know you are.
It's me I'm kind of worried about.
Yeah, I know I'm late with the deposit,
but if I drive up there after work,
is there any chance that you would still accept it?
They're such great boys-- so reliable and respectful.
You're really gonna want them in your apartment.
Yeah, sure. I'll hold.
Hey, Mike.
I'm writing an e-mail to the school
to try to get Sue a new laptop.
How does this sound?
"So, as I pushed the woman out of the path
of the oncoming bus..."
I think you used that for Axl's busted yearbook camera.
I did?
Ohh, no!
It's all slipping away!
The-- the clarity, the clear mind.
Mike, listen to me, there's Easter decorations
I bought last year on sale in the bottom of the closet.
Don't let me forget. What else? Think. Think.
Oh, no. It's gone.
It's all gone!
It was such a good system. It should have worked.
See you on the other side, Frankie.
[ Sighs ] Oh, crap, I'm late for work.
Frankie: Yep, there's no such thing as office hours
when you've got kids.
That's just how parenting is.
It's always uncomfortable. It's often a bad time.
And it's forever.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Frankie?
What the hell are you doing here?
[ Sighs ]
[ Microwave beeps ] ? I'm all out of love ?
[ Humming ]
Well, they don't get "Planet Nowhere" at all.
I had to explain the Silligans five times.
I mean, how hard is it to understand
that their noses give them special powers,
a precognition and echolocation.
And don't even get me started on Sorn.
They thought he needed to meet someone
and settle down.
The leader of the Vernagle Army.
Can you believe it?
I don't get it...
We have nothing in common.
It's like we are from two different worlds!
Looks like I won't be needing these any more.
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