Raising kids.
It seems to go by in the blink of an eye.
But it's all worth it,
'cause you know some day, they're going to grow up and be...
Why are you lurking outside my door? God, it's like you're stalking me!
Awful.
Is it me or is Axl being a bigger jerk than usual lately?
I don't know.
Seems like about the normal amount of jerk to me.
No, I'm serious, Mike. He's been horrible to me.
I'm just trying to get some answers out of him
about his graduation party, and he's all like,
"What's with you? Stop stalking me.
If it bugs you so much, why don't you flush it?"
I don't know how much more I can take.
And look around this place. I got a high tolerance for pain.
Brick, I got a notice from the school.
You gotta collect your stuff from the Lost and Found by the end of the week
or they're going to donate it to the poor.
Get my stuff, Brick. I want my stuff back.
I don't recall losing anything. What stuff we talking about?
A lunchbox, an I.U. sweatshirt, a winter jacket, a rain jacket,
the Donahues' jacket, the good flashlight, the bad flashlight,
a bubble umbrella, and I'm going to be conservative and say
twenty pairs of mittens.
Since you know exactly what's missing maybe you should go.
You really seem to have a handle on this.
Excuse me, everyone.
As you know, I'm taking my driver's exam on Friday,
and since the sixth time is the charm,
I would like to make our last week on the bus together
a week to remember. And I would like to kick it off
by having my bus buddies, AKA, you guys,
sign my yearbook. Yeah?
Yep, it was the end of an era.
Because for Sue, the bus wasn't just the bus.
It was a rolling, yellow memory-making machine.
Thanks, guys. I'm really going to cherish this.
Very funny, guys.
I hope not having lunch today was worth that prank.
Looks like somebody really struck it rich at the Lost and Found.
You're Brick Heck, right? You're the class historian.
- Am I? - He was.
So, how is your slide show coming along?
Since I'm the Vice Principal, that's kind of my baby.
- Slide show? - You know, for the final assembly
when the historian presents his big presentation.
Why do you think you've been taking all those pictures
for the past four years?
For the assembly, of course.
That's exactly why I've been taking all those pictures,
which I definitely did do, by the way.
Now remember, dear, your photo montage should be poignant
and heartfelt. We've allotted 15 minutes,
but you can go a full 20 if you need to.
Oh, good. That takes some of the pressure off.
Really looking forward to it.
Oh, good, you're home. I...
I need you to give me some answers about your graduation party.
You still talking about that?
Yes, I am, because you won't.
So how many of your friends do you think will be coming?
Unknown.
Will Sean and Darren want to bring their parents?
- Unknown. - What about food and drinks?
Un and known.
Well, can it be known?
Can you give me maybe one second of your attention
so that I can know some of this stuff?
Look, your graduation is a big deal, Axl.
It wasn't exactly breezy getting you through four years of high school,
- and we would like to celebrate it. - Fine, whatever you want.
No, it's not whatever I want, it's whatever you want.
That's hilarious. This is not what I want.
I just want to hang out with my friends. I don't want a party.
You want to give me what I want? How about a car?
Oh, my God, she's here again.
Don't shut the door in my face, and don't call me "she."
You're a female, are you not? What am I supposed to call you? God.
We are not finished here. I literally need two minutes of your time.
- I don't think too much to ask. - Actually, it is.
- I'm already late for Darren's party, and I want to get there
before all the Jell-o sh... alad is gone.
Look, I'll be home by 11:30. We can talk about it then.
Fine. I will be waiting for you right here at exactly 11:30,
- and I expect you to be here. - I will.
- With your full attention. - My full attention.
And no Jell-o on your breath. 11:30, I want you to give me your word.
Fine, you have my word.
I'm just going to say it, 'cause it might help others in the future.
A teenager's word doesn't mean squat.
It was midnight, and still no sign of Axl.
Hey, Mom, quick thing.
I need you to take about 200 pictures of my classmates
and set them to music in a slideshow.
It should be touching, but not schmaltzy,
funny, but without trying too hard.
If you could have it ready Friday morning by ten, that'd be great.
Eleven at the latest. Night.
How long have you known about this?
What's today, Thursday? About... four years.
- Brick! - It's not my fault.
They should have voted for Jay Gold. I got elected on one good speech,
and didn't have the skills to back it up.
It's really what's wrong with politics.
I'm sorry, but you're going to have to figure this one out
on your own, 'cause I'm over it. I'm done getting in the middle
of my kids' lives.
- Hey, where are you going? - Unknown.
Fifty-three times, without stopping.
What, you don't believe me? I'll do it right now.
Someone give me two straws. I'm telling you.
Dude.
Somebody in our family better be dead right now,
and not some weird cousin I've never met. I'm talking Dad, Brick or Sue.
Nobody's dead, but if you don't get in my car right now,
- it can be arranged. - Just go, please?
And I'll meet you outside in three minutes, I promise.
Yeah, you already promised to be home by 11:30,
so I think the promise ship has sailed. Hi, Sean.
You don't want to do this, Mom. Seriously.
This is the most embarrassing thing any parent has ever done, ever.
You sure about that?
- I like this song. - What are you doing?
I don't know. This groove kind of makes me feel like getting down.
Mom, no. Don't do this to me. This is my last high school party.
I can't end like this. Darren!
No, no!
You are the worst mother ever!
Tell me something I don't know.
Do you know how many years of cool you just erased
with your stupid mama pajama dance?
Hey, I thought very hard before I pulled that rip cord,
but it's the only weapon I have left.
You have been impossible lately.
Maybe you should stop trying to boss me around all the time,
and talk to me like a person.
What? All I've been trying to do is talk to you,
and you just keep running away.
You gave me your word that you would be home an hour ago.
"I'm Axl, I give people my word
without thinking about what it means."
We're doing impressions now? Okay, I'm Mom.
"I never stop talking and I'm in your face 24 hours a day."
That's it, I'm sick of your attitude. Get out of my sight!
- Fine! - Don't you walk away from me!
Oh, my God. She's nuts! She's totally nuts.
- I told you not to call me "she." - Break it up.
You in your room, you in the kitchen.
This is not my fault. Mom's freaking out on me for no reason.
I am freaking out for a very good reason. He's making me freak out,
- and I'm not freaking out. - I don't know what's going on,
but I know I got to side with her, so go.
I am going to kill him. I am going to kill him!
Just relax, he's not going to be here much longer.
Then I'll have to act fast, won't I?
I can't stand him. I hate his stupid face!
I swear to God, when he goes off to college, I'm not going to miss him.
Look, all this fighting is just nature's way
of helping you guys deal with the fact that he's leaving.
You think mama birds push babies out of the nest to help them fly?
Maybe they're just sick of them. Trust me, it's the natural order.
It's why you guys have been annoying each other so much lately.
I'm not doing anything, I'm being great. It's him.
Are you in your pajamas with your coat on?
I was cold, and I thought we were hating him right now.
He is a bad, bad child, and you are a wonderful mother.
Thank you.
I would just like to remind everyone
that today is going to be our final ride together.
And to thank you guys for all the good times we had,
I baked some peanut butter cookies,
'cause I know someone on this bus really likes peanut butter.
And if you guys would like to thank me
with a round of For She's A Jolly Good Fellow,
let's just say, I would not hate that.
Why don't I just get it started.
♪ For she's a jolly good fellow ♪
♪ For she's a jolly ♪...
You know, I have tried and tried with you guys all year.
But you guys have no bus spirit.
And you know what? I am a jolly good fellow!
You guys aren't! You are bad fellows!
Yes, Brian?
I think I speak for all of us when I say,
please pass that test.
Pass that test. Pass that test.
Hi, there, Brick.
How's my favorite class historian doing?
Actually, there's been a little hiccup with the photo montage.
But the good news is, you'll have an extra 15 minutes
to play with at the assembly.
These things happen.
- I knew you'd understand. - But they don't happen to me.
Now you listen to me and you listen good, you little punk.
You're going to do the job you were elected to do four years ago,
or I will turn you inside out and wear you like a hat.
I know everyone thinks the Vice Principal's a joke.
I hear the whispers.
I don't like it when people whisper about me, Brick.
Got it?
Got it.
Sorry.
I can't stop whispering.
This photo montage is the only thing
the Principal doesn't have her stinking paws all over.
And if you mess it up, I will make your life a living hell.
I have connections in middle school,
and I can make sure you get the smelliest locker,
and the meanest teachers, and extra gym.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.
Well, anyway, I can't wait to see your presentation, dear.
Now remember, Sue, this is just like a car,
only much bigger and harder to drive.
Why did Axl have to take your car?
What if I fail again? I cannot get back on that bus, Dad.
Sue, listen to me.
You have screwed up this driving test so many ways,
I can't think of another mistake you could possibly make.
Thanks for the pep talk, Dad.
Okay, let's do this.
Sue Heck.
BUREAU OF MOTOR VEHICLES
And now with no further ado,
your class historian, Brick Heck,
will take you on a magical, musical journey
of your years at Orson Elementary.
Brick?
You better blow the doors off this place.
HAVE A GREAT SUMMER
Memories.
I could show you all pictures of your time here at Orson Elementary,
but those would be my memories, not yours.
So instead, I invite you to close your eyes,
and picture your own memories.
Remember the field trip to the Indiana Dunes in second grade?
I don't, but maybe you do. Maybe you had a great time.
What about the time that you and your friend
and your other friend locked arms on the playground.
Boy, you guys are close.
And now, sit back and enjoy a musical montage
of all your best memories,
artfully put together in your own imagination
while I hum the tune to the appropriate,
if not overused graduation anthem, We Are Young by Fun.
- Who is that? - Did we vote for him?
He's weird.
So Brick left elementary school with his reputation intact.
- Nailed it. - This isn't over.
I will hunt you like a dog in the street.
Well, wasn't that delightful?
And now, Mimi Millhauser on the flutophone.
Okay, Sue, in about a half mile, you're going to want to...
I know, take a right at the stop sign,
a left by the yellow house with the apple tree in the yard,
then bring it down to 25 miles an hour for the school zone.
This is not my first barbecue.
Nice signal.
And nice turn.
Only six blocks to go and Sue was doing great.
Maybe it was all her experience paying off,
maybe it was Bobblehead Jesus. But of course, Sue being Sue...
Windshield obstructed. Activating wipers.
Peripheral vision compromised.
- I really think we should stop. - Don't worry, I got this.
- Watch out! - No choice but to go through!
Oh, God. Mattress!
- No. - It's okay, I can still see.
For the love of God, pull over. I have children!
No! I only have two blocks left!
No, you can't!
Page 47 in the manual.
How to stay calm in a hazardous situation.
I've been doing this for 30 years,
and that was the single greatest piece of driving I have ever seen.
Congratulations, Sue Heck. You passed.
Axl, come on, let's go. I want to get a good seat.
- I'm coming, God! - Did I mention that the examiner
said it was the single greatest piece of driving he's ever seen?
- I'm sure you did great, honey. - Yeah.
She did do great. Sue, you're an excellent driver.
Can I drive the family to graduation?
Absolutely not.
No.
What?
You're not wearing white socks with dress pants. Go change.
- Why? - Because you're going to be onstage,
and everybody will see them and it looks ridiculous.
Nobody's going to be looking at my socks. Let's just go.
Brick's waiting in the car, let's go.
I am serious, go put on some black socks.
Why do you even care about this, they're my feet.
The doctor pulled you out of me with those feet, so I have some say.
Look... now put these on.
Make me.
You are not leaving this house. Don't you dare leave this house!
- Oh, my God, what are you doing? - Change your socks!
If you're not going to change them...
Take your... get your shoe off.
- You're changing those socks. - No, never!
Get back here!
You are not going anywhere with those socks.
You're hurting me!
Civilized people. There are rules to society,
and you're going to learn them.
She's crazy. Your wife is crazy!
Should have put a fence around this place a long time ago.
- No! - Where do you think you're going?
Getting a ride to graduation with the Donahues.
Fine. Maybe we won't even go.
So we're not going?
We're going. I need to make sure he's really leaving.
As we say goodbye to high school, we look ahead to the next chapter
of our lives, and the adventures it will bring.
ORSON HIGH SCHOOL CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATES
College, jobs, travel...
That guy's wearing white socks just like Axl's.
Matter of fact, lot of people are wearing white socks.
White socks, white socks. Flip-flops.
- We get it, Brick. - So, in closing,
I just want to say, even though I'm a pretty cynical person,
I'm really going to miss this place.
As Shel Silverstein wrote,
"There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part.
So just give me a happy middle, and a very happy start."
And thanks to all of you for giving me a very happy start here.
Thomas Halverson. Yeah.
That was a squeaker, wasn't it? Yeah.
Julie Harris. Yeah.
Good luck with the baby. Last one.
Robert Hatfield. All right, you behave tonight, Robert.
Elizabeth Hayward.
As I watched my first son about to become a high school graduate,
I realized that Mike was right. There is a natural order to things,
and by the time they go, you're ready.
Axl Heck.
I'm not ready.
Brian Hedburn.
I'm not ready!
Mark Heff...
Mark Hefferman.
Jessica...
Sarah Humphries.
Well, you said it wasn't possible for me to miss 32 days of senior year
and still graduate. Now who seems like the idiot?
Do you guys want me to take a family picture?
I was class historian. I'm thinking about running again in middle school.
Actually, could we get a picture first of just me and Mom?
Really?
Okay.
All right, let's get this party started.
Actually, we decided to take the money we would have spent on a party
and get you something you really wanted.
Happy graduation.
My God, it's got an engine and everything?
For 200 bucks, it better.
Wait, so wait, seriously. There's no party?
No.
So, can I go hang out with my friends?
Go.
This day just keeps getting more awesome.
I love you guys!
Mom, since there's no party, would it be okay
if I went over to Carly's and showed her my license, please?
I have been waiting for this day for so long.
Sure.
Never leave me.
Don't worry, I won't. Worry.
Yep, all the work that goes into raising a kid.
The heartache, the laughter, the worry, the tears.
It really does go by in the blink of an eye.
And all those annoying little things that seemed so important.
Who even remembers what they were?