♪ It's a bell you can't unring
♪ It's a song you can't unsing
♪ It's a gift you can never take back
♪ That's why it's best to stay on track
♪ And wait till marriage ♪
Okay, everybody, I'll see you next week.
- Isn't Reverend TimTom amazing? - Eh. Beats grocery shopping with Mom.
Ever since I outgrew the cart, it is much harder to read and walk.
Hey, there, Brick. Can we rap a sec?
I can rap a second, Reverend TimTom. What's up?
Hello, Sue Heck. I actually have a question for Brick.
Oh.
Our Christmas pageant's coming up, "J.C.'s Rocking Birthday Jam."
And I'd sure dig it if you'd be one of my wise men.
'Cause, Brick, you're the wisest man I know.
Hm. Well, it is the holiday season, and I'm not as busy as I'd like to be,
- so, sure. - Wait.
I'm not as busy as I'd like to be either. Can I be in it?
Oh, I'd sure love that, but it's only for kids 12 and under.
Oh. Cool. Yeah. No prob.
But, hey, not to worry. I saved a very important job for you.
Really?
How would you feel about making cookies for the concession stand?
Ha! I love cookies! And concession stands.
I knew I could count on you, Sue Heck.
But I'm really psyched about you being in the play, Brick.
What play?
Well, I've paid the minimums on all the credit cards,
sent in my first tuition payment
and conveniently forgot to sign the check.
- So I think it'll buy us another week. - Attagirl.
And we still have 20 dollars left to buy Christmas presents.
Okay, maybe a little more than that, but, seriously, Mike,
- not our best year. - Did we have a best year?
We're just gonna have to come up with a way to do Christmas on the cheap.
The kids are older, they'll get it, right?
Hey, maybe if we give them homemade gifts, you know, from the heart?
- They're still gonna want presents. - Okay, well, how about we
go outside and throw snowballs and make snow angels
and create a magical Christmas memory?
- They're still gonna want presents. - Okay.
All right, go with me here:
I fake my own death, and then I just show up on Christmas day.
"Surprise! I'm alive!"
"Glad you're not dead, Mom! Where's my presents?"
- Okay. We'll figure something out. - Hm.
Guess what? Reverend TimTom's doing this cool Christmas pageant,
"J.C.'s Rocking Birthday Jam." Brick's in it.
He's gonna be a wise man. But get this! I am making the cookies!
- Brick's gonna be in a play? - And I'm making the cookies!
- Can you believe it? - Yeah, wow, Sue.
- So do you have a part? - I'm the wise man who brings
- frankincense to the baby Jesus. - I really wanted myrrh. Myrrh.
Mom, where do you keep the cookie cutters?
The store.
I don't know, Frankie. Brick in a play?
- In front of people? People we know? - I know. It doesn't sound like
a great idea when you're just hearing it, but, who knows?
It could be his thing. All those actors in Hollywood are weird, right?
- Brick's weird. - Yeah, he's definitely that.
I don't know, Mike. I think he might surprise us.
- He won't. - Well...
- Where are you going? - I told Rusty I'd help him
- move some furniture. - Yeah, 'cause everyone knows
the best time to move furniture is when it's dark out.
I guess some friend of his is giving him some old stuff from his place
and he wants the stuff moved out before he gets back into town.
This is ridiculous. Seriously, Mike, what is wrong with your brother?
The "What's not wrong with him" list is shorter.
Hey, Axl, I was thinking...
What if this year we do something different at Christmas morning?
We wake up, rush outside, make snow angels, drink hot cocoa
with little marshmallows and create some wonderful Christmas memories?
Cool. Then we come inside and open presents?
- How about this lamp? Is it going? - Oh, yeah, sure.
- Is he giving you the lamp or not? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Oh! Hang on, hang on.
Oh, man. You still carrying that Matchbox car around in your pocket?
You've had that thing since we were kids.
Yeah, I like to fiddle around with it when I'm in line and stuff.
Nervous habit. It's that or smoking.
Actually it's... It's that and smoking.
Ah! And you said it wouldn't fit. Somebody owes me breakfast.
- Yeah, I owe you. - You seem kind of crabby tonight, Mike.
- Something wrong? - Yeah, there's something's wrong, Rusty.
I didn't know we were gonna be moving all this furniture into my garage.
Oh, well, we haven't moved your old stuff out of Marlene's yet.
I guess I forgot to tell ya.
Let's get this garage door down. We wouldn't want people knowing it's here.
Hang on. Why wouldn't we want people knowing it's here?
- This is your stuff, right? - Oh, yes, I won it fair and square.
- What do you mean, you won it? - Well, me and a bunch of the guys
were playing poker, and I called Acey Deucey.
Sure I had a lot of Corn Nuts in my mouth, but everybody heard me.
Uh-huh. And if you asked the guy we took it from, what would he say?
- Oh, he'd say we stole it. - And what would the other people
- at the table say? - Well, they'd probably side with him.
- You know how cops stick together. - You telling me we broke into
a cop's house and stole his furniture? Are you nuts?
Now, look, any jury that plays poker would side with me.
I'm not keeping this stuff in my garage, Rusty. It's going back. Now.
Oh, I can't now. I gotta get the truck back before the guy who owns it
- finds out it's missing. - So you stole the truck too?
Well, he'd say that, but he owes me.
You know those guys that take and take and never give back?
Yeah. I think I do.
Okay, I figure 20 cast members, two parents each, siblings,
1.5 grandparents, crew members, church people,
five percent accidental crumbleage.
Okay, I am going to need... 1200 cookies.
- Sue. Quilt. - Ah! Sorry.
So... guess who got hired at J.J. Macky's?
Why do people say, "Guess who?" I know it's you.
Can't you just have fun with this? Look, they're hiring extra help
for the holidays and the best part is I get an additional 30 percent
discount off their already low, low prices. Oh! Yep!
We're gonna score our kids some Christmas presents, baby.
♪ Shoop, shoop, shoop We gotta follow that star
♪ Hey, hey, hey We gotta follow that star
♪ I know it looks like it's really far
♪ But we gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta follow that star, yeah! ♪
See? What did I tell ya? Weird.
Hi... Penny? I'm Frankie.
It's my first day. I guess we're gonna be working together.
Oh, welcome aboard, Frankie. You're gonna love working here.
We like to think of ourselves as a big old family.
Oh, great. So just picking up a few things on my break.
I'm getting this for my daughter, she loves rainbows.
And my son's been wanting this clock radio that projects the time up
onto the ceiling 'cause I guess it's too much to roll over
- and see that it's noon. - Right. All right, that's $78.96.
Hold on. I think you forgot my employee discount.
- That doesn't kick in for 20 days. - Twenty days?
That's all the way up to Christmas Eve.
Yeah, I know. See, people used to take these jobs just so they can buy
- their presents and then quit. - What? Well, that's not me.
If anything, I wanna be a lifer. Uh-huh.
There's nothing I would like better than to just grow old and die here.
Well, if you do, we all sign a vest, frame it and give it to your family.
Over the next few days,
Mike's brother, Rusty, was at his most Rustiest.
Oh, hey, Mike. I was on my way over to get that furniture,
but then I realized I don't have any shoes. I'll keep you posted.
Hey, Mike, good news, I got the truck.
But then Dad asked me to help him pick up folding chairs
at a funeral home in Lafayette. Bad news, we're stranded in Lafayette.
I'll keep you posted.
Hey, sorry I haven't called in a few days. I lost your number.
But then I found it. Anyway, today's not good.
I'll keep you posted.
- What are you doing? - Chilling in my new crib.
Well, your crib is full of stolen furniture.
It's not stolen, 'cause Uncle Rusty called Acey Deucey.
Now, could you close the door, please? I'm not paying to heat the world.
Well, the days until Christmas were going by fast.
And so were all my Christmas presents.
I'm not sure about the size, but this is the only one left.
- How do I look? - Fat.
I mean, you're not fat, the sweatshirt makes you look fat.
And that rainbow pattern? Little young for you.
It is a little young for me.
I'll get it for my niece. Ooh! A clock radio.
My hopes of a discount Christmas were fading fast.
All I wanted to do was kick up my feet with a can of frosting.
But Sue had already used up all my cabinet frosting,
so I had to go deep into my reserves.
- Seriously? - Coming together, right?
Masculine, yet with a touch of whimsy.
Oh, uh, your frosting's not there. I put that and your other stuff in the back,
'cause it was an eyesore. Oh, and instead of a new amp for Christmas,
I'd like an accent rug. You know, really help define the space.
Yeah, well, don't get too comfy, 'cause it's all going back.
You know, that kind of attitude is why I moved out!
So while Axl was enjoying his uncle's stolen furniture,
Mike was busy trying to return it.
What is this? How are you gonna take the furniture back in that clown car?
- Well, I think if you stack it right... - Damn it, Rusty,
you can't keep doing this. Enough! You're driving me crazy.
You're irresponsible, unreliable, you're possibly a felon!
Hey, hey, hey, I think you're being unreasonable.
I spent the whole morning rounding this car up,
putting two dollars of gas in it, which I'm not even gonna charge you for.
A thank you might be nice.
Okay, Sue, time to shut down the cookie factory.
I gotta rummage through the fridge for dinner.
Oh, that's okay. We already have dinner plans.
Yeah, we're going over to Axl's.
Should never go over to somebody's house empty-handed.
- I'm done. - What do you mean?
I'm done, I'm done with my brother. It's over.
- I told him not to come for Christmas. - Wow. You did?
If he were a friend, I'd have been done with him years ago.
I get nothing out of it but headaches. And I don't wanna hear,
"You do for family," Frankie. I did enough for him. I'm done.
- Okay, then. - Okay.
Oh, no, I forgot about cookies for Christmas dinner.
How many people are coming? Are Grandpa and Uncle Rusty coming?
Whoever's coming is coming, whoever isn't, isn't.
Well, I'm not Wise Man Number Two anymore.
- Oh, Brick. - I'm Wise Man Number Two
and Number Three. Turns out, Wise Man Three has a bit of a shoving problem.
So my new line is, "I bring you frankincense
- and he brings you myrrh." - Wow, Brick, that's great!
Two parts. They must think you're doing a really great job.
And you get to say "myrrh" like you wanted.
- When you got it, you got it. - What do you got there?
Oh, it's the invitation to Axl's Christmas party.
Didn't you get one?
Hm. Awkward.
Hey. Where the hell is my Christmas tree?
Well, Axl was certainly prepared for Christmas,
and with ten days until my discount kicked in,
I was preparing in my own way.
♪
- Hey. - Hey.
I swear, you would not believe the lengths customers go to to hide stuff
so they can buy it later when the sales kick in.
Oh, no, I can believe it.
Okay, now, what are we going to do tomorrow?
- Rock it for Jesus! - Okay.
Brick, it's been a long day. Let's go.
Okay, one second. I need to get fitted for my crown.
Brick.
Hm...
- Holidays can be a stressful time. - So I hear.
You know, Mike, I get the sense that something is weighing on your mind.
- You know, I'm a pretty good listener. - No. I'm good.
Dealing with family can be tough.
Oh, yeah? I hadn't really thought about it.
But you know, you don't have to do it alone.
- Alone is fine. - I'm talking about kicking it upstairs
to a different department.
♪ Talk to the man upstairs
♪ He'll listen to your prayers
♪ Instead of just saying grace Before you stuff your face
♪ Talk to the man upstairs Try a prayer ♪
All lines open 24/7.
Okay, yeah. Thanks, but the Colts are rebuilding
and I don't wanna distract Him from that.
He's a pretty good multi-tasker.
I bet He could handle you and the Colts.
- It's just something to think about, Mike. - Will do. Brick!
- I'm just gonna go get him. - Sure.
So the end of my twentieth day had finally come
and my discount was kicking in.
All I had to do was make it to closing, cash out
and hightail it to Brick's play.
Look at this. Found another stash. I don't even want to tell you
what I just pulled out of a mannequin's underpants.
- Legally, I can't resell it. - Oh, you know what?
Let me put that stuff back for you, Penny. You've been working so hard all week.
Aw! Thanks, Frankie. You're a real go-getter.
Well, I wasn't fishing for that compliment, but I'll reel it in.
Reel it in.
Sweet.
Oh, come on!
Eye. Eye. Beard.
Eye. Eye. Cramp!
Oh, God! Hand cramp!
- No! Not now! Not now! - Come on, Sue, hurry it up.
We're gonna be late for your brother's play.
Oh, no!
I've been robbed! What happened to all my cool stuff?
It wasn't your stuff. I got a couple of guys and a truck from the quarry,
- and I took it all back. - Where am I supposed to live now?
- How about in your room? - I can't go back to that dump
after living in the garage. Are you crazy? I need my sick crib!
So, uh... my brother...
I mean, well, you saw. You're probably up to speed.
I'm just wondering if I did the right thing.
I don't know if you'd show me, or if that's even the way it works.
Frankie's more of the church person. If you told her,
then she told me, that'd be fine.
Anyway, thanks for Andrew Luck.
Cookies. Get your Santa cookies. Once they're gone, they're gone.
If everyone could please grab a seat, "J.C.'s Rocking Birthday Jam"
is about to begin. The kids have been working real hard.
So, sit back, enjoy the show, and thanks for coming down.
Where were you? Why are you so late?
I was hiding presents on this really high shelf
so nobody would buy them out from under me.
- Smart. - I know, right?
Until somebody wheeled my ladder away and I got stuck up there.
By the time I got down, the store was closed, the manager was gone
- and I had to roll under the gate. - So you didn't get any presents?
- No. Zip. Zero presents. - But tomorrow's Christmas.
Oh, really, Mike? I did not know that.
♪ The angel told Mary A baby you will carry
♪ Joseph don't bother 'Cause he got a higher father
So it was Christmas Eve and none of us were in the spirit.
And Brick's performance wasn't making it any better.
♪ 'Cause he got a higher father And I know it sounds odd...
- What is he doing? - I don't know.
♪ To avoid a misconception It's immaculate conception ♪
There it is, the star is the East. It will lead us to the new king.
So we shall take our son to Egypt and save him from Herod's wrath.
You didn't do that right. It's kind of a big moment
- and you didn't sell it. - Now he's a director.
I bring you gold.
- Brick! - I bring you gold.
I bring you gold. He brings you frankincense.
And he brings you myrrh!
- What's he doing now? - He's looking up.
Oh, now he's looking down. He's twirling his crown.
- Nope, he's eating a cookie. - One of mine?
Sometimes people surprise you and sometimes they don't.
Sometimes they act exactly the way you expect them to.
I guess we won't be moving to Hollywood anytime soon.
No, I don't think so.
These are the actual cookies eaten by a wise man on stage.
Hey, Sue Heck. Terrific job on the concession stand.
No. I failed. But it's okay, you know, you can tell me.
I can take it. Well, probably not, so I would go easy on me.
You don't fail when you do your best. Anyway, I'm headed up to Bloomington.
They have this big interfaith snowball fight on campus
where they work out thousands of years of conflict in a fun,
safe environment. Would it be cool
if I took some of your delicious cookies?
Yes!
I just wish there was more of them.
I have a thousand more in the car. I mean that, a thousand.
Brick! Hey.
So, what happened? You seemed a little distracted up there.
- Really? - Yeah, for the whole second half
- you faced the back of the stage. - Well, I gave it a whack.
Whack. Whoop.
Dude, that was awesome.
This thing was a total suck-fest till you showed up.
Seriously, you rocked it. That shoe squeaking was hilarious.
Thanks. I saw it on a TV show where guys in shiny shorts ran up and down
a floor, and I really liked the squeaking sound.
- Brick, that was a basketball game. - Yeah. It was. Up top.
Come on, one more. That all you got? Whoop!
Nope. Not this time. Okay, one more.
No, sorry. Here, hit me.
And at that moment, Mike realized Brick was Axl's weird brother.
And it'd kill him if he ever thought there would come a day
when they would stop speaking to each other.
I'm telling you, man, it's a golden opportunity.
I don't know, Rusty.
Come on, Mike, how many llamas can I put you down for?
- What is this? - Mom?
- Is this a joke? - Okay, those are from
the J.J. Macky Christmas mailer and they represent presents to come.
- A Camaro? Awesome! - Oh, turn it around.
A shirt?
So Mike and Rusty made up.
It wasn't that hard, 'cause Rusty hadn't realized
they were even in a fight.
And I made up for Christmas day the day after Christmas,
with 50 percent off, plus my employee discount.
Yep, the Heck family cleaned up.
I think we may have a new family tradition.