Out here in the middle, we love our holiday parties.
Christmas sweaters, the carols, the eggnog...
Lots and lots of eggnog.
Oh, shoot, I forgot to say bye to Robin.
Really? There's someone you didn't say bye to?
Well, you didn't give me a chance.
You were standing on the porch, waving my coat like a matador.
I ate a snowman cookie, read a Sports Illustrated in the bathroom.
- I think we did what we needed to do. - Well, I think it was a great party.
Everyone was so nice. Didn't you think everyone was nice?
And we were all having such a good time.
Yeah. Some more than others. Glug, glug.
Oh, please, I'm not drunk. I'm fine.
Hey, I know.
Let's have a Christmas Eve open house for all our neighbors.
Now I know you're drunk.
No, no, they've been so nice.
They helped us put a new roof on the house.
Come on, this will pay them back. It's a great idea.
You always do this, Frankie.
You get a couple drinks in you, then you bring people into our house.
Sorry. I forgot our house is where fun comes to die.
Just saying, don't do something you'll regret.
Did I seriously say I wanted to have a Christmas party?
Your lips were moving, but the eggnog was doing the talking.
I'm guessing you don't want to renew our vows?
- Ugh, no. - Heh.
- Well, at least the party's off. - Uh, no, it's not.
I e-mailed everybody last night and we already have 20 yeses.
I swear, we should put a breathalyzer on that computer.
Mom. You never told me church is based on a book.
I assumed you knew.
It's the number one best-selling book of all time.
Hmm. Well, it's a real page turner. I do have a lot of questions though.
Like Jonah inside the belly of a whale.
Wouldn't the whale's digestive juices dissolve him?
Look, Brick, I gotta go to work. Ask your dad.
And how could Noah have two of every animal on one boat?
Many are mortal enemies.
And the poop alone...
Brick, it's a little early to be talking about the Bible. Ask your brother.
Ask me what?
Never mind, I'm sure you've never read the Bible in your life.
Because I got stuff going on.
I'll read it when I'm closer to death like all old people.
- So you believe in God? - Hells yeah.
How else would you explain this awesomeness? Huh? Oh.
So after downing a quart of syrup...
Axl went to his job at Mr. Ehlert's Christmas-tree lot.
He wanted extra Christmas money. Oh, not to buy anyone gifts, just to have.
Phew.
I thought he was gonna wiggle off the hook.
But we landed them there, didn't we now, captain?
Pulled him into the boat and bashed him in the head. Ha, ha.
Good job, bro.
Right back at you, bro.
Well, apparently everyone is coming to this party, Mike.
Everyone. I mean, what are we gonna do?
Do you really want them seeing our dishwasher hole? It's embarrassing.
They'll be embarrassed for us long before they see the hole.
I was thinking, as long as we're getting a new dishwasher anyway...
- why don't we get one now? - No way, Frankie.
Stores jack up prices this time of year.
We'll wait till they're on sale.
Maybe pick up a scratched and dented floor model.
- That way it'll fit in with everything else. - Oh, I see what you're doing.
You think if you make me wait long, I'll be happy with whatever I get.
You married me, didn't you?
Hey, Sue. Guess what.
I bought your mom a new dishwasher for Christmas.
Now, see, I know I got a history of giving bad presents, but...
Oh, you're the worst.
Remember when you got Mom that spoon rest that said "queen of the kitchen"?
Got it. I'm bad at presents. But this year I'm making up for it.
I'm gonna get up in the middle of the night...
and hook up the dishwasher and put a big red bow on it.
In the morning, I'll ask your mom to fix me a cup of coffee...
and then she'll say, "Are your legs broken?"
She'll gripe all the way to the kitchen and that's when she'll see it. Good?
Yeah.
Dad. How did God make Eve out of Adam's rib?
If it's a cloning thing like Dolly the sheep...
wouldn't Adam's rib make more Adams?
It's too late to start talking about the Bible.
First it's too early, now it's too late.
- When is the right time? - Sunday morning between 9 and 10.
I just don't get it.
Why can't anybody answer my questions?
I mean, I've found a lot of plot holes in here...
and now I'm wondering if any of it's true.
Brick. Shh.
Lower your voice. Of course it's true.
- How can you be so sure? - It just is, okay?
You should not be talking like this. Especially around Christmas.
Things don't make sense.
Hey, there's a lot of episodes of Glee that don't make sense, but I still cry.
I know someone who can answer your Christmas questions.
He comes around this time of year...
spreading joy and happiness wherever he goes...
and kids wait in line just to see him.
Well, times were different And I think you'll concur
That little babies shouldn't play With frankincense or myrrh
Unless it's happy birthday Baby Jesus
Happy Christmas, happy Kwanza Happy Hanukah
And happy, happy birthday Baby Jesus
Christ, not ex
Oh, my God, is that the dishwasher?
- Does Dave know? - Yeah, he's helping me.
He parked around the corner. We'll hide it in your closet.
My closet? But why my closet?
Because your mom won't look in here. She's gonna love it, right?
- Is the bow too much? - No, no, the bow's great.
This is gonna make up for the ladybug purse you got her for her birthday.
- What, like a joke? - No joke. For real.
Hey, she once told me she likes ladybugs.
Hey.
What are you guys doing in Sue's room?
Uh, I was...
I was, uh, just...
I was just showing him that hole in Sue's wall.
- Yeah. - So that, uh, he can fix it.
Really? This is great.
I need it fixed by Saturday, before the party. You can do that?
You bet he can. Right, Dave?
Right.
Yay!
- Oh, Brick. - Yeah?
So how'd it go with Reverend TimTom? Was he amazing?
What can I say? Didn't move me.
Oh, my God. How could you not be moved?
Seriously, how could he not blow your mind?
He answered my questions with other questions.
- Not a big fan of that. - You weren't paying attention, were you?
I'll bet while Reverend TimTom was talking, you were reading.
There was a fire-escape sign that piqued my interest...
and another one that said, "Get your God on."
- What does that even mean? - Brick, you have to believe.
I'm not even sure you get to celebrate Christmas if you don't believe.
Enh, what are you gonna do?
Morning.
Hey, a rocking Santa. That works.
What it really needs is a dishwasher and guess what.
I found one at Pioneer City Appliances, and it's only $200.
Frankie, we're not getting a new dishwasher. End of story.
Oh, is that what we're doing now? Making pronouncements?
Well, I pronounce you a jerk. End of story.
Mike was worried that all the lying was gonna catch up with him...
so he did the only thing he could do: Throw another lie on the fire.
Hey. Just so you know, I stopped by that store today.
Turns out they sold out of those...
so we couldn't have gotten one anyway.
You went to Pioneer City Appliances?
They have stores all over the state.
Well, yeah, I thought of that, but, uh, that's why I had the sales guy, George...
uh, call around, and, uh, he said all the stores were sold out.
He was wearing a blue shirt and, uh, his wife was from Dallas.
Okay, fine, whatever. Did you pick up the pecans I asked you to get?
Yeah, but I left them in the truck.
Truck? What truck?
Uh, some truck. Who knows?
You running around in somebody's truck you don't want me knowing about?
Hey, you know I said, uh, "truck" a minute ago?
I meant "trunk." I left the pecans in the trunk.
- Just wanted to tell you that. - Okay.
- Can you go get them out of the trunk? - Uh...
You know what? I meant "truck" after all.
Because I've been test-driving trucks. Trucks with trunks.
- What kind of a truck has a trunk? - None that I know of.
That's why I wanted to test-drive it. They're new. Trunk trucks.
What? We can't afford a dishwasher but you're out test-driving trucks?
Look, Frankie. I'm not gonna explain myself to you.
I'm a grown man. I can test-drive trunk trucks if I want to.
End of story!
You can change the world And you can make it great
I learned to play guitar And sing on ice skates
As a team You can do anything
When you're a team
Hey there, Sue Heck.
Reverend TimTom, you need to talk to Brick about the Bible again.
Christmas is in two days and he's still not getting it.
It's just the more I read, the more questions I have.
It's exhausting.
Well, Jesus enjoyed a lively debate.
That's the way he rolled. Shoot.
Okay. So Jesus says, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed...
the smallest of seeds, you can move mountains."
The smallest seed is the orchid seed. Shouldn't he know that?
Well, I don't think orchids grew in ancient Palestine.
Didn't grow there. Ha!
See, Brick?
Okay, but if God is all-powerful, why didn't he make everybody nice?
That's where free will comes in. You see, God wants people to really dig him.
So you're not gonna dig him if there's no choice.
Choice. Getting it?
But what about the burning bush or Moses parting the Red Sea?
I mean, wow factor? Yes.
But believability? Enh.
I get where you're coming from, but if you believe in God...
- his miracles happen every day. - Every day.
Sue, um, why don't you take a couple laps around the rink? I think I got this.
He's got this.
Then my mom kicked me out of the house for spilling juice on the couch.
But it's all good.
I'm staying at the Y and sharing a room with this giant dude...
named Patrick Standingbear.
Not much of a talker...
Yeah, Bob, my shift's over so I'm gonna go.
Ah, I'll see you at the Christmas Eve party, right, bro?
- You're coming to the party? - Hell yeahs.
- It's "hells yeah." - Hells yeah, bro.
See you then, bro.
So how'd it go?
Well, let's just say we agreed to disagree.
What?
Reverend TimTom.
Uh, I don't understand what's happening. Why isn't Brick fixed yet?
You're not gonna give up on him, right?
You're gonna write him some special soul-saving song?
Is this one of those time-release things where everything will kick in later?
Sorry. I did all I could. Right now it's Couples Skate...
and I see a few bummed out teens without partners.
I need to go scoop them up and get them skating.
Conga line.
I know I said I didn't want to do this...
but now that the party was up and running, I was glad I did.
Even the hole looked festive.
- It's going good, huh? Nice party. - It is.
- When do you think everyone's leaving? - Mike, most people just got here.
I know. Just saying, tomorrow's Christmas.
I'm just excited about presents and stuff.
Since when?
- Um... - Ha, ha.
- "That would be incorrect." - Oh, my God, that's totally him.
Yeah.
Hey. Hey, bro, what are we laughing about?
Nothing, Bob. Just a teacher we have, that's all.
So, uh, I don't know what, uh, my bro here told you about me, but, uh, it's all true.
I'm a troublemaker.
Look, I can put a whole candy cane in my mouth.
I can't believe Mike won't let you buy a dishwasher.
Nope. Old Ricky Ricardo over there wants to wait to save a peso.
Boo, Mike, boo.
I hate to do this, Mike, but I'm with Paula, boo.
Yeah, yeah. I get it. I'm very cheap.
Reindeer aren't actual animals. They're just for Santa...
Hey, where you going, bro?
I turned around and you were gone. I'm gonna have to put a bell on you.
- Hold on. - I'm not gonna put a bell on him.
Dude, we're not bros, okay?
I'm 17 and you're like 40.
Stop acting like a loser and go talk to somebody your own age.
Okay. That's what I was gonna do.
Yep, you just confirmed what I was gonna do, and now I'm gonna do it.
You know what you should do? You should just let the dishes pile up.
I did. Axl ate cereal out of a vase.
Oh, Mike, why don't you buy poor Frankie a dishwasher?
- What can I say? - How about yes?
Boo, Mike, boo.
So are you allowed to bring girls into your room?
No. But, uh, this isn't my room.
I gotta go take care of something.
I'm sorry, I...
Whoa, Bob, hold up.
No. I'm a loser. I'm a huge loser.
No, you're not. I didn't mean that.
No, it's true. Of course it's true.
I'm sharing a hot plate with Patrick Standingbear.
And I can't even beat up a snowman?
We put boulders in there for the Glossners.
Look, what I meant to say was you're, like, this guy, okay...
who's on his own...
and I guess I didn't get why you'd want to be friends with me.
You've got this career, you've been to Disney World. What have I done?
Nothing. I'm the loser.
Hey, hey, don't put yourself down.
No, it's true. I still live with my parents.
That is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Your time will come.
Yeah?
Thanks. I feel better.
So why don't you come inside?
We can hang out, I mean, if that's cool.
Hells yeah.
So as it turned out, Axl ended up giving a Christmas gift after all.
And then I find out that Mike has been test-driving trunk trucks...
and I can't even get a dishwasher.
Never change, Mike.
You're making us all look good.
- Well, it's getting late. - Oh, yes, Mike, it is.
It's almost 11:00 on Christmas Eve.
You know what that means.
Time to run out to the drugstore to get my gift.
Hey, this year I want the orange Tic Tacs.
I tell you, Mike is the champion of drugstore shopping.
I mean, he will get you things you would never think would be gifts.
Like a foot bath, yes, astringent...
oh, moth balls.
If you're getting me a Christmas present this year...
I need a new stapler.
On the first day of Christmas My true love gave to me
Nothing
On the second day of Christmas My true love gave to me
- Everybody. - Nothing
On the third day of Christ...
Merry Christmas.
Well, after that, a lot of people decided to make it an early night.
Once your husband rolls out a new dishwasher...
after you've spent the night trashing him...
people can't get out fast enough.
I love, love, love my new dishwasher.
Oh, come on, Mike. I really am sorry.
Please forgive me. Please.
Come on, in my defense...
I never thought in a million years you'd ever give me a gift this nice.
I love you. You're the best husband ever.
Yes, I am.
And you're the worst wife ever.
You know, I may not be great at giving gifts...
but you're really lousy at receiving them.
Agreed. Now can we start making up? Hmm?
So Mike and I made up. Twice.
And my new dishwasher ended up being a surprise after all.
It didn't fit.
Mike got a dishwasher to fit a standard opening...
but as it turns out, nothing in our house is standard.
I'll get it.
- Merry Christmas, Sue Heck. - Reverend TimTom.
You're here. On Christmas.
I knew you couldn't give up on Brick.
- I'll get him. - Hold on.
I didn't come to see Brick. I came to see you.
Well, now, I couldn't leave town knowing that you were mad at me.
I'm not mad.
I'm disappointed.
Why did you give up on Brick?
Look, your little brother is a questioner.
World's always been full of great questioners.
Heck, if people didn't ask questions, God would be out of a job.
- He's in the answer business. - But I don't want Brick to question.
It's very clear to me.
I don't understand why he doesn't get it.
- Sue, do you like Justin Bieber? - Yes.
- Does Brick? - No.
Does it bother you that Brick doesn't like Justin Bieber as much as you do?
Yes. I don't get that either.
The point is, J.B. knows that he can't force anybody to be a fan.
He's aware that people make fun of him, he's in on that.
But the Bieb doesn't care.
He's just out there singing his song, hoping people come around.
I'm unofficial sergeant-at-arms of his fan club, and I'm doing all I can.
That's nice, but what I'm trying to say is that Jesus rolls like Justin.
J.C. put the good word out there and let the people find him.
You should be cool with that.
Wow. J.B. and J.C. That is blowing my mind.
So maybe you should lighten up on Brick, let him find his own path.
Well, I gotta be moving on.
I'm needed up in Chesterton. Couple girls there think they're vampires.
This Twilight thing has gotten out of hand.
See you around, Sue Heck.
Oh, and look, it's got a special setting for crystal.
So when we get some crystal, we can wash it.
It's so quiet.
Yeah, it's like it's not even on.
Oh, wait, it's not on.
Ooh.
Yes, Christmas is a season of wonder.
A time when anything seems possible.
Isn't it amazing how each snowflake is different?
I know.
It took me, like, three hours to cut out 10...
and God has to do like 50 billion.
You can't tell me that's not a miracle.
That's a very good point.
So do you really believe all that stuff in the Bible is true?
Oh, absolutely.
I don't know.
But it is a really cool story.
The Roman numerals are cool too.
You don't see those too much in books anymore.
Roman numerals.