There are many ways to get into college.
You can study hard, you can be a good leader or
you can ram your head at high rates of speed
into another guy's stomach.
MVP! MVP!
Great game, 32. Been keeping an eye on you.
Listen, I'd love to stop by your house sometime,
sit down, get to know you better.
Okay. Who are you?
Sorry. Jack Tracy, East Indiana State.
Chatted with your folks a couple of weeks ago about
you maybe bringing some of that lightning speed to East Indy.
I could easily see you as a dragon.
Sweet. I love dragons.
Really?
A recruiter is coming to our house?
Is this real? Is this really real?
So help me, if you're lying about this, Axl,
I will punch you in the throat.
Wait, when's he coming? Tuesday's good.
That way you can talk about the Monday night game.
No, wait-- Friday.
That way he's thinking about you the rest of the weekend.
Oh, damn it. Now I can't make up my mind.
Oh, my God. Someone could help us pay for Axl's college.
Mike, this means we might be able to retire in our early 90s.
I love you.
Sports hug!
Oh! Okay. All right. I'm out.
Feel free to keep groping each other, though.
I'm telling ya, just when you think
you're never gonna get any money back on these kids...
Can you believe it? He's coming to interview Axl.
Eh... three...
Four...
Five. Personal best.
Oh, God. He's coming to interview Axl.
Six. Ooh.
Yep, if we had any chance of impressing this recruiter,
we were gonna have to put on a big show,
so I sent the kids to borrow a fancy chip platter.
And tell her to keep it.
Oh, no, aunt Edie. We'll bring it back.
What do I need it for?
And while Ginny's on the potty,
I wanna slip you guys some things.
But we don't want your stuff, aunt Edie.
Well, you can't take it with you,
and at our age, it's not things that make us happy.
It's cigarettes and booze.
Now take a sucky candy before you go.
Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Mind if we chat a minute?
Oh, no. No! Go away. I don't need you.
Don't worry about the interview. I got it covered.
Do you, Axl? This is huge.
Now this recruiter is not just looking at football.
He's gonna be looking to see whether
you're the kind of kid they want at their school.
Duh. I know how to behave in situations.
Oh, yeah?
You once stuck gum to the side of a casket at a funeral.
You're not allowed to "duh" us.
Aah! Stop with the lecture. This is torture.
Now when your mom and I are talking during the interview,
no pretending to shoot yourself, or...
Choke yourself, or kill yourself in any way.
Don't lick food off your body.
Don't call the recruiter "Broski," "Broseph," "Broham"...
Don't say "lame" or "uck" or "God."
I don't believe this. It's like you have no faith in me at all.
Now you're getting it.
And when they ask you why you want to go to college,
what are you gonna say?
Uh, to get away from my lame parents.
He just said "lame." Are you even listening?
Look, this is not just about you, Axl.
In case you haven't noticed
the sharp drop in caviar deliveries,
money's tight.
You getting a scholarship helps this whole family.
So if you're not sure what to say, let us do the talking.
Oh, right, 'cause I can't be trusted.
Who knows what I'll do? I'm an uncivilized caveman who--
Sorry. That only happened 'cause I was doing this.
Chill, okay? I'll be ready for Thursday.
The interview's Wednesday.
Whatever! Wednesday!
Another Martini shaker...
Ashtray...
Bird lighter...
Ooh. Jesus lighter.
"I am the light of the world."
Toss it in my pile. I don't have a lighter yet.
Oh, wow.
This is ancient,
like, from the '90s.
What's this?
I think something to do with music, but I don't know.
I want it!
Aunt Edie's phone.
Well, we're not sure which candidate we'll be supporting,
but we will certainly keep Bill Brodis in mind.
The phone works.
I have a phone that works. Oh! I have...
I have a phone!
Correction-- We have a phone.
No way. You got the tick-tock thing.
But you're getting one for your birthday.
What? Really?
I was reading in mom's bathroom when I overheard her say
she's gonna give you her old phone as a present.
Oh, my God. I'm getting mom's old phone!
Oh, but wait-- That's in three months from now.
I need to text carly now.
Hey, I have phoning needs, too.
You have no friends. Who could you possibly need to call?
Sometimes the library has limited hours
due to city budget restrictions.
Brick, you cannot debate me on who needs to be more reachable.
Fine, keep it.
I'll just tell.
Brick.
What would Jesus lighter say?
Based on his philosophy of love, he'd say we should share.
Every other day?
Okay.
It's really old. Does it even text?
I don't know.
I know. I think mom left her phone on the counter. Here.
You send a text, I'll go check.
Oh, my God. Aunt Edie texted "help"?
I gotta get over there.
"Help," Brick?
You know a bajillion words, and that's the one you go with?
"Help"?
No, I said "kelp"!
Hey, how's aunt Edie? Everything okay over there?
Ugh, she doesn't remember texting
and she doesn't even know where her phone is.
Then she gave me a lighter and a gravy boat.
I don't know why she would text "help."
Yeah. It was a weird choice.
Ugh. Wait. What was I thinking?
Should have called the number while I was over there.
All right.
Maybe she'll hear it and answer.
No. She's not picking up.
Forget it. I'm done.
Did Brick just take a jar of mayonnaise?
Whatever. It's Brick. Don't worry about it.
Hi. You've reached Sue, unless it's Tuesday, Thursday,
Saturday, or Monday before noon...
Hello?
In which case, you've reached Brick.
No, I don't have your dog. I'm just curious.
Text me when you find it.
Where the hell is Axl?
The recruiter's gonna be here any second and-- Axl!
Calm down. You're making me nervous.
Great. He's here, and no Axl.
He'd better not blow this. Axl?
- Hello. - Hi.
Hey, Mrs. Heck.
Mm-hmm.
Mr. Heck. Great seeing you again.
So where's our superstar?
If I know my son,
he's still hunkered down at his desk studying.
Ah. Or practicing football.
Yep, it's all books and pigskin with that kid.
And the Bible.
Oh.
- Anyway, uh, he should be-- - Hi.
Mr. Tracy. Great seeing you again.
Welcome to our house. Please, come in.
- Thank you. - Have a seat.
Thank you.
Okay.
All right. Axl, let's get to it.
I've seen you play, but tell me,
what makes you a well-rounded fit for East Indiana State?
I mean, we're not just a jock farm.
Oh, Axl's a lot more than that.
He's very into charity...
And...
Anything with... Africa.
And, well,
you see, uh, Axl's really been gearing up for his future,
and he has future goals about his college future.
The thing is--
I think what my parents are trying to say is
I'd be lying if at 16 I said I knew what I wanted to study,
but you have a great school, and I find if you try your best,
you end up doing something you love.
Great answer--
Honest.
Now I know my grades are not the best,
and I'm really working to improve them so there're more *vis-a-vis my athletics.
Oh, I tell you, with an attitude like that,
you're gonna have a lot of choices.
But hey, this isn't just about me kicking your tires.
Do you have any questions for me?
Actually, I do, Mr. Tracy.
What made you decide you wanted to work at East Indiana State?
Whoa, all-out blitz. I love it.
Most kids just want to know about the parties.
Oh. Pfft. I'm gonna get to that.
Come on, Brick. It's my turn.
I've still got ten seconds left.
See? Glad I held on to it. Could be the dog people.
"Alert from Indiana Mobile.
"You have exceeded your monthly text plan.
A $68.34 overage will be added to your next bill."
You're right. You're older. You should have the phone.
No way. That text came in your watch.
Oh, no.
What?
Mom pays aunt Edie's bills.
We are gonna get so busted. Ugh, I can't believe it.
I was just three months away from having my own phone,
and now mom is never gonna let me have it.
I can't go back to a landline. I just can't!
It's like being chained to a wall.
What are we gonna do, Brick? Oh, my God. This is terrible.
I can't believe it.
It's my guitar teacher. I gotta take this.
Y-ello?
Shh.
Really glad I got to know you better, Axl.
Likewise, Mr. Tracy,
and I'd really love to get more information
on that international business program you were talking about.
You got it. Good night.
Night.
Wow.
Can you believe our son?
He was charming, he was funny, he had all the right answers.
What the hell was that?!
What? I thought I killed it.
Oh, you killed it, all right.
You killed it all over the place!
Damn it, Axl. I was so worried you'd blow this,
I almost had a heart attack,
and then I look like an idiot with that "future goals" crap,
and you come out swinging with "vis-a-vis"?
And I'm not sure, but I even think you used it right.
It was on the PSATS.
What's your problem? Thought you'd be proud.
You know, every time Nancy Donahue said,
"Axl's so polite at our house,"
I assumed she was lying to spare my feelings.
And once, your English teacher wrote
"a pleasure to have in class" on the back of your report card.
I thought it was a typo!
But you are a pleasure, aren't you?
Okay, liking the words,
but confused by the bulging neck veins.
They're bulging because
I'm wondering how you can be all charming and colin firth-y
with this guy and Nancy Donahue and God knows who else.
How come you never bring your best for us, huh?
Oh, like you bring your best for us?
Wait, what? I bring my best. I bring my best 24/7.
Yeah, right. I don't see you bringing me dip and lemonade.
It's always, "I'm too tired. Make your own lunch."
Well, the color of the pot is black, vis-a-vis the kettle.
We're not talking about me. We're talking about you. Ugh.
You were so amazing tonight, I can't even look at you!
I know. Nice job!
You know, I liked that Jack.
My dip was kind of gross, and he still ate it.
I'll like him more when he gives Axl a free ride.
And don't ever make that dip again.
What is this? This a pimple?
I'm squeezing it, but nothing's happening.
I don't know. Give it another day.
And then I saw a truly horrific sight--
The truth.
There I was, hunched over like Quasimodo,
picking a back zit, wearing a holey t-shirt
I pulled out of the dirty clothes.
Axl was right. This is not my best.
Maybe none of us were bringing our best for each other.
Whoa. Careful, mom.
You're gonna crush my chips.
- Have a good one. - Mm-hmm.
Mm.
And that was just Tuesday.
Hi.
Um, I'd like to pay my $68.34 texting charge
in cash this month.
Name on the account?
Aunt Edie-- An-- toinette Edie,
but I just go by Edie.
Your last name?
What is aunt Edie's last name?
I don't know.
I always just call her "aunt Edie."
Oh, I think I found you,
and yes, you did go over your text allowance this month.
You sent 743 texts, and you were allowed...
One.
Guess I was really blowing up this month.
Okay. This is...
Exactly $48.92.
Plus this vintage bird lighter,
which has gotta be worth at least 20 bucks.
Oh, and also, I'd like to turn in my phone.
Oh, turn in or trade in?
'Cause it says here you're eligible for a free second phone
if you sign up for the two year family plan.
It's only $5 a month.
Really?
Sue, we're stealing from our aunt,
we're lying to our parents--
We're in too deep on this. We gotta get out.
Did I mention you'll also receive
an international charger and a handy belt clip?
Now when you say "international,"
does that include Canada and Puerto Rico?
I don't get it.
I'm so helpful and considerate to others,
but at home, it's like I don't even try.
I so get it.
My mom won't even invite me out of my room
to say hi to her gal friends in her Bridge Club anymore.
It's like I'm a guest in my mom's house.
Well, no more.
I'm gonna be the tiny ember that ignites the fire of change.
Wow. That is so deep.
Yeah. I heard it on a show about a family fat camp.
Really?
Oh, come on.
Here comes homemade meatloaf and mashed potatoes
with a touch of TLC.
I tried to find something that everyone--
Later.
Hey, hey, hey. Where you going?
What? I'm done eating.
I was gonna go watch the East Indiana game.
Look, I made this myself off the back of a box, so sit.
Ugh!
Let's talk.
So you told the recruiter
you were interested in studying international business?
Stop it. I was in school all day. Brain, off.
Isn't that the normal setting?
Brick? Sue?
Anything interesting happen to you guys today?
- Nah. - No.
Well, then.
Let's talk about my day. Let's see, um...
I almost made a sale. And-- Oh. Listen to this, Mike.
I got a strange call from the phone company,
saying that aunt Edie sent hundreds of texts
she doesn't even remember sending
and she added a phone to her plan.
I don't know. I'm worried about her.
Hmm.
I hate to admit it, but maybe it's time to put 'em in a home.
Just go.
Can we go, too?
Yeah, my battery's dead.
You know, metaphorically.
Long day.
Fine. Whatever.
So, Mike, anything happen at work today?
Nope.
Uh-huh. Go on.
We got a new rock crusher.
Oh, wow. Crushing rocks-- Sounds exciting.
It's not.
What are you staring at me for?
I got something on my face?
Oh, just listening to my husband,
being present, wanting to hear
what the most important person in the world to me did today.
You wreck the car or something?
You are so funny. I forget how funny you are.
Oh, interception! Dad, you're missing it!
I brought my best,
and you didn't even notice.
Oh, boy.
I made everyone's favorite mashed potatoes,
I put on makeup, I tried to start a conversation,
hell, I even stayed in my nice pants
instead of throwing on sweats
even though these are cutting into my side.
But did I make a big deal about it? No.
Kind of are now.
I tried to be a tiny ember,
but you people just stomped me right out!
Well, forget it.
I am not gonna try for people who don't try back.
So let's just all park ourselves on the couch
and stick our hands down our pants
and scratch until the cows come home, 'cause I'm done.
Well... sooner I go, the sooner I get this over with.
Hey there, pretty lady.
Shut up.
All I wanted was to bring my best to my family.
That so crazy?
Okay, I don't expect the kids to get it, but you and me...
After they're gone, we're all we got.
We should at least try a little.
You want to talk about that rock crusher?
It's more than just small talk, Mike.
You know, I see couples at the mall, holding hands,
and the other day, when I went out to get the mail,
I saw the Donahues dancing in their living room.
Literally! They were ballroom dancing!
Look, Frankie, you don't gotta cook us dinner
to show us your best, 'cause that's not really your best,
but I get where you're coming from.
You're just saying that
'cause the football game's on a short time out.
No. Really, I-I-I get it.
It's just, isn't there something
in between hands down the pants and ballroom dancing?
I don't know.
Maybe bowling.
I like bowling.
All right. Well, there you go.
Thursday night, we're going bowling.
Well, look at that. We have a date.
Hmm.
These phones are evil.
I couldn't help it. I was seduced by rollover minutes.
Rollover minutes.
Yeah, but we never thought about
how our texting could hurt others,
and now aunt Edie is going into a home because of us,
and even worse, we did it all in front of Jesus lighter.
That's it. I'm never using my phone again.
Me, either.
Ooh, I got a text.
Me, too.
"Meet me in the kitchen. M-O-M."
What does M-O-M stand for?
Turn.
Are you still putting aunt Edie in a home?
Nope.
In fact, I found two very capable caregivers
to go over and help out every weekend.
74...
That's a nicke aunt Edie.
No-- and that's a button.
Thanks again for your patience. Have a great day.
So why do we give our best to strangers?
I mean, you love your family,
so you should give your best to them.
Damn, it's Thursday.
Weren't we supposed to go bowling?
Ohh.
But I'm so comfy here, and I'm already in my sweats.
But the great thing is
they love you so you don't have to.
Ew. Who cut one?
Axl had the garlic fries.
No way. Smells like a mom fart.
Oh, yeah.
Definitely a SBF-- Silent but Frankie.
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