When you have kids, getting anywhere in the car can be a challenge.
A million things can slow you down.
Somebody might forget their shoes, might have to go to the bathroom.
You do know Brick is the car, right?
Or somebody might have an irrational fear...
of going over the Shady Lake Bridge.
The half-price all-you-can-eat tater bar is only open for 15 another minutes.
- Go, go. - We can make it. We can make it.
Sixty bucks for speeding.
That is officially the most expensive bargain meal I ever had.
But did you see how many pumps of cheese I put on?
I think we broke even.
Everybody else just drives over the bridge to the mall.
We gotta go 10 minutes out of our way.
Our time isn't worth anything, but still.
- What are you gonna do? - I'll tell you what.
We're gonna stop letting our 9-year-old hold us hostage.
Next time, we drive over the bridge. End of story.
- He'll be fine. - Or he'll be scarred for life.
Fifty-fifty shot. I like those odds.
Guess what. The pool is opening a week early, this Saturday...
and Carly and I are gonna go.
Saturday? We're celebrating Aunt Edie's birthday Saturday.
What? No.
Since she had turned 14, certain changes in brain chemistry...
had caused Sue to occasionally place extreme importance on...
- let's face it, the stupidest things. - You just don't get it.
Yeah, we only got 60 days to mail this thing.
I'd better walk it down to the post office myself.
I have to be there on opening day.
This is the most important thing in the world to me.
More important than saving the whales, more important than cross-country.
If I could go back in time...
and unsee the Justin Bieber movie to get this, I would.
That's how important it is to me.
If I don't get to go, I'll die.
Well, we don't want you to die...
so I'll just have to reschedule Aunt Edie's birthday.
- Not that she'll know the difference. - Thank God.
That's for me. It's Carly.
- Where are you going? - Jack ran over his foot with a mower.
There's a lifeguard position open.
Since when do you wanna be a lifeguard?
Hot chicks, bikinis, high angle. Do the math.
All right, guys.
Only the cream of the crop becomes a lifeguard at my pool.
It's a job for winners.
Hey, Axl. Hear about Jack Webber?
- No more flip-flops for him, huh? - Yeah.
Bob, don't you already have, like, three jobs?
Well, raising carrier pigeons is an expensive hobby.
So how's it looking? Think we got a shot?
Safe to say Axl was feeling pretty good about his competition until...
Oh, hey. Check out the Ax man, wanting to guard the lifes.
Sean. What are you doing here?
Same as you, bro.
And then Axl heard the worst thing a Donahue could say to a Heck.
May the best man win.
Mike was right.
Brick was holding us hostage, and who knows?
Maybe if we didn't make a big deal out of it...
our car could just sail over that bridge with no problem at all.
Yeah. That wasn't our car.
Ah! Bridge.
Wow, that cop came out of nowhere.
Illegal U-turn.
If we gave you an allowance, this would be coming out of it.
You're gonna have to go over that bridge. This is silly.
It's not silly, and I'm not going over the bridge.
Maybe you won't be having dinner. How silly is that?
- Mike. - You're right. Too silly.
- Go to your room instead. - Fine. I like my room. I feel safe there.
I'll build a bridge in front of it. You'll never feel safe again.
- Mike. - Sorry. I'm fed up with this crap.
I spent 120 bucks this week on the way to the mall.
Mike, he's afraid.
You can't get him to get over his fear by yelling at him.
We have to be nurturing and patient and caring.
Okay. Okay. You got till next week or I'm taking over.
Hey. Can you guys keep it down? I'm trying to study for my lifeguard test.
I got first aid, CPR. I'm practically gonna be a doctor after this.
- A lot of guys going out for it? - No. Some and Sean.
You didn't quit your job at the theater, did you?
- What, you don't think I can beat Sean? - Nope. I really don't.
It's not that we don't think you can do it. It's just that Sean is a Donahue.
Which is why I've been at this for 30 whole minutes.
Mom, may I please see you in my room, please?
It's a matter of life or death.
- Look at this. - Okay.
I need a new bathing suit.
- Mom, you just don't get it. - No, I don't get it.
It looks like you have a bunch of perfectly good suits.
This is not for running through the sprinkler in the backyard.
This is for the public pool. Do these look like public pool suits to you?
Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?
What? I am not overreacting. This is huge. So huge.
Sue, calm down. What is the real issue here?
- Everybody's gonna have a two-piece. - So we'll get you a two-piece.
- Ugh. Mom, you just don't get it. - Sue, I said yes.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, could you give me some privacy then?
So maybe I didn't get Sue, but I did get Brick.
I pushed him out of my body. I could push him over that bridge.
Let's not even think about crossing the bridge right now.
Let's just get to know the bridge. We'll go at your pace.
You take all the time you need.
It's been two hours. You are going to cross this bridge right now.
Right now!
All the cool kids are doing it.
Come on, Brick. Don't you wanna be cool?
You know, your Dad may not think you can handle this, but I do.
You're a big boy. You're practically an adult.
What are you, a baby? A little, little baby?
I'm sorry. I'm a horrible mother.
I don't get it, Brick. What are you so afraid of?
What do you think is gonna happen?
We drive onto the bridge and suddenly there's a terrible cracking sound.
The bridge collapses and the car is thrown into the lake.
It fills with water and sinks like a big metal coffin.
We struggle to get out, but underwater, no one can hear our screams.
We all shake with convulsions as the life leaves our bodies.
Our bloated corpses go undiscovered for months...
but when they're dragged out, they're unrecognizable...
because fish have eaten out our eyeballs.
Eyeballs.
He paints a vivid picture. I'm not even sure...
- I wanna go over that bridge anymore. - Hmm...
- What? What was that? - No, it's okay.
I'm not surprised you couldn't get the job done.
- What? - You're not a closer.
You don't have the stuff.
Admit it. You shy away from conflict.
What are you talking about? I live in conflict.
- I'm the mayor of conflict. - No, you're not.
Face it. You back down when things get tough.
I do not back... Well, okay, maybe I do.
Guys, seriously, I'm trying to study.
This is, like, my entire career.
It starts with lifeguard, then I graduate to beach lifeguard...
then Hawaiian tropic judge, then rapper...
so if you want a shout-out at the Grammys, keep it down.
You think you could do a better job with Brick?
Well, you set the bar pretty high with total failure...
but now it's time for some results.
Thank you so much for this.
- This is, like, the best day of my life. - Well, I hope not.
- All right. Go and try those on. - Okay.
I hate all of these suits you picked out, Mom.
Why did you even come?
You think this is fun for me? This is not fun for me.
- Just pick out a damn suit. - Ugh.
How's it going in there, honey? Here, let me see.
Don't come in. Everything makes me look horrible.
How long have I looked this way?
Oh, my God. This one's even worse. Did you pick this out?
Twenty suits and an hour and a half later...
she was even more out of her mind.
Ugh. These all make my knees look knobby.
These are your knees, Mom. Did you have to give me such stupid knees?
I knew not to take it personally.
All I could do was support her and tell her she's beautiful...
but since by that point, I was also out of my mind, I said:
Do you think this is fun for me? This is not fun for me.
Just pick out a damn suit.
Oh. Don't judge. I'm you in 10 minutes.
This one is ugly too.
Why didn't you ever tell me I look awful in pink?
Sue, you look beautiful in pink. Just let me see.
No! Stay out!
How am I supposed to help you if you won't even let me see?
What are you talking about? That suit's adorable on you.
You're saying that because you're my mom.
You just don't get it.
Okay, stop right there. I don't get it?
I may not get a lot of things, but I get this.
Women all over the world get this.
Sorry to break it to you, but trying on swimsuits...
is a depressing, soul-killing rite of passage for all women.
There are even entire comic strips devoted to it.
What do you think Cathy's been acking about all these years?
I don't even put on a swimsuit without at least two margaritas in me...
so you just be happy that you're a cute 14-year-old...
looking for her first bikini...
instead of a woman who's had three kids...
throwing away a mortgage payment on some miracle suit...
made with NASA Teflon material that shaves off 10 pounds...
when all it does is push it all out your back. So I get it, Sue. I get it.
You hate your body.
Well, congratulations. Today, you are a woman.
Knock, knock. How's it going in there?
Oh! That's adorable on you. You look good in pink.
Really?
Sorry. I cramped up there.
Plus, the chlorine was stinging my pigeon bites.
Can I go again?
Okay, Donahue and Heck.
Jump in fully clothed.
Remove your jeans and use them as a flotation device.
The first one to do this successfully performs a water rescue on the other.
- First. - Done.
- Dude, I'm saving you. - No, dude, I'm saving you.
Okay, here we go.
It's like ripping off a Band-Aid. You're gonna thank me later.
If you do this, I'll never be able to trust you again.
And just like that, Mike found himself in the spot I was in not so long ago.
Look, I'm not gonna play games like your mom did.
This is one of your favorites, right? You want it?
Go get it.
I'm not gonna force you to go across the bridge...
before you're ready, okay?
Get in. We're going over that bridge. I don't care if you're ready or not.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I was wrong to try to force you. We'll wait until you're ready.
You take as long as you want. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm leaving. I'm leaving right now.
Better get over here.
Ten bucks. Easiest money you'll ever make.
Nope.
How about ice cream?
No more ice cream for the rest of your life. How about that?
Man, that kid is stubborn.
- So, what flavor did you get? - I don't remember.
Tastes like failure.
Looks like the mayor and the closer are running Sucktown together.
I don't get it. Why bridges? Where does that fear even come from?
It's not bringing up the parental controls.
Maybe you're pressing the wrong button.
- I'm not. Where are you on the page? - Look at... You have... I have this...
When Bridges Collapse.
Start. Right where it's supposed to be.
Who knows? Sometimes these things are just random.
- It's not like it's our fault. - That's it then? That's who we are?
We're just weak parents who let our kid win?
- Or maybe we won. - How do you figure?
Well, obviously what this proves is that we're parents...
who raised a confident and independent young man...
who thinks for himself and trusts his own instincts.
Well, that is true. You're right.
When you think about it, what we did is raise a leader.
We really did.
In fact, I can't believe what a success this whole thing has been.
- He's an amazing kid. - I'm disappointed in the other two.
So we're giving up on the bridge?
Why would we go back? We won.
Well, it's bad news.
For every other guy in town.
- Oh, congratulations. Oh. - Really?
Wow! You actually beat Sean?
He stayed up for our geometry final and I studied the lifeguard stuff.
And I thought he was supposed to be smart. Sucker. Ha, ha.
Also, I might've bit him.
Wow. Can you believe it?
Axl got the job, Sue conquered bathing suit shopping...
Brick learned to trust his instincts.
- We are kicking some parenting butt. - Mm.
- We should write a book. - We should. Spread the word.
The most important day of Sue's life, the opening of the community pool...
had finally arrived, and she and Carly were ready.
- Are you ready? - So ready.
Let's do it.
I can't believe I'm wearing a two-piece.
Me neither.
- You look so hot. - No, you look so hot.
An hour later, they were hotter, they still wouldn't take off their shirts.
We spent day shopping for that suit. Aren't you gonna let anybody see it?
- Mom, you just don't get it. - My mom doesn't get it either.
Hey, no running.
How many times have I gotta tell you?
I don't wanna have to say it again. Ugh.
Hi, honey. How's it going?
Oh, my God. It's horrible.
Kids are running and I'm responsible for them...
so if they fall, I gotta get them a Band-Aid.
If they make a mess, I gotta clean it. I'm constantly yelling, but do they listen? No.
You have no idea what it's like.
Oh, I might have some idea.
- Frankie. - Hey, Nancy.
Beautiful day, huh? You going in?
- Oh, I forgot my suit. You? - Forgot my suit too.
I want you to know, there are no hard feelings...
about Axl getting the lifeguard job over Sean.
Sean's gonna be a page for a senator...
so I don't know how he was thinking he was gonna do it all anyway.
I think he was in it just for the girls.
Oh, well, Axl's in it to save lives, but...
Listen, I saw Mike and Brick up at Shady Lake Bridge.
- Were you able to get him to go over? - No, we decided to give up.
- Give up? - Well, not give up, because we won.
It's about trusting his instincts.
Don't wanna give too much away, there might be a book.
- You know, we'll try again when he's 12. - Oh, 12?
So he'll be in junior high.
You know, there is that footbridge at the entrance to the school.
Do you think that'll be a problem?
Okay, Brick. You can do this.
Close your eyes, smell that 20, before you know it, we'll be across the bridge.
Okay, but you may wanna roll down your window.
It'll be a lot easier now than when we're underwater.
Stop.
Frankie, he's gonna have to do it sometime.
I know, but look at him. Look how nervous he is.
There's more relaxed people in electric chairs.
My dad would've thrown me in the car, floored it and never looked back.
Oh, yeah, right, and you had the best relationship with your dad.
The man nicknamed his belt "The Enforcer."
He never actually used it. It was the threat of it.
Is that the kind of parent you wanna be? This is just like Sue and the binky.
- You threw it in the trash. - And then you got her another one.
I did not buy another one. I pulled it out of the trash and gave it back to her.
Point is, she sucked on it till she was 6. Now she's in braces.
So now it's all my fault.
I'm sorry that I'm a mother that likes to comfort her children.
- The word you're looking for is "coddle." - Okay, you know what?
Why don't we... Wait. Mike, we crossed the bridge.
- We did? - We did it. Brick, you made it.
Sorry! Couldn't do it!
Well, what do you think? Should we have kids?
Probably not. I don't think we'd be very good at it.
So Brick didn't conquer his fear that day, but Sue did.
She conquered the greatest fear known to woman:
Being seen in public in a two-piece.
That's such a cute suit. Pink looks good on you.
Axl conquered his fear of going up against a Donahue.
- Hey, man. Congrats. The best man won. - Thanks, dude.
Yeah. We're gonna bail.
Too many little kids here. We're going to the lake.
Excuse me, lifeguard.
My little brother had an accident in the pool.
- Is he hurt? - It's not that kind of accident.
And six months later, for no particular reason...
Brick decided he was ready to cross the bridge.
- All right. - You did it.
Okay, so you ready to try it in the car?
Oh, no. I'll never cross it in the car.
I'll just get out and walk whenever we get to a bridge.
Not really shaving a lot of time off the commute then, are we?
Progress.
Yep. Sometimes quitting can be the best form of parenting.
If you want to raise a leader...
You know what? I'm not giving this away for free.
It's all gonna be in my book.