You know that feeling when a guy you like
sends you a text at two o'clock on a Tuesday night
asking if he can come and find you
and you've accidentally made it out like you've just got in yourself.
So you have to get out of bed, drink half a bottle of wine
get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business
suspender belt, the whole bit
and wait by the door until the buzzer goes?
And then you open the door to him like you've almost forgotten he's coming over.
Oh. Hi.
Hey.
And then you get to it immediately.
After some pretty standard bouncing
you realise he's edging towards your arsehole.
But you're drunk and he made the effort to come all the way here.
So you let him. He's thrilled.
Oh!
I'm so thrilled.
And then the next morning you wake to find him fully dressed
sat on the side of the bed, gazing at you.
He says that... - Last night was incredible.
Which you think is an overstatement.
But then he goes on to say that...
It was particularly special because I've never managed to actually...
up the burn with anyone before.
To be fair he does have a large penis.
And although it's always been a fantasy of mine
I've never found anyone I could do it with.
And then he touches your hair.
And thanks you with a genuine earnest.
Thank you.
It's sort of moving.
Then he kisses you gently...
and then he leaves.
And you spend the rest of the day wondering...
do I have a massive arsehole?
Well, um, this doesn't happen very often, does it?
- No.
No, I suppose it's...
- It's quite rare, yeah.
I hate myself.
Um, are you going to work?
Er, no actually... - Okay, um, this is gonna sound crazy
um, but I think that I should take your number
and I think I should call it
and I think I should ask you if you wanna go out for a drink with me.
Um...
Fuck me, you've got a boyfriend.
Er, no. Um, no, we broke up quite recently actually.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry, slash really pleased.
Um, how the hell did he manage to fuck that up?
Power rarely gives up without a fight.
Particularly in places where there are divisions of tribe, divisions of sect.
We also know that populism can take dangerous turns
and there will be difficult days along the way.
From the extremism of those who would use democracy to deny a minority of rights
to the nationalism that... - What are you doing?
Nothing.
Harry.
I know what you were doing. - I was watching the news.
Really? - Yeah.
What was he talking about then?
What?
Please, I just need to hear this. What was he talking about?
Iraq.
Don't say anything, and please don't stop me leaving.
Please don't! - Okay. - Don't!
I've really tried to be there for you through this.
You can't say I haven't tried.
Don't say anything.
And please don't contact me
or turn up at my house drunk in your underwear.
It won't work this time. - It will.
I'm taking that posh shampoo.
He was talking about democ...
Oh, he was just...
really kind and supportive with my work.
He'd cook all the time, he'd run baths, hoover.
He'd laugh at all of my jokes.
He was really great with my family and my friends loved him.
Plus he was really fucking affectionate.
Yeah, he sounds like a dickhead. - Yeah.
So was that like you can have my number or whatever you...
Yes. Yeah, I guess it's a yes.
Oh my God. Great. Okay.
Put that in there.
And I'll be sure to treat you like a nasty little bitch.
Um, that was a joke.
Oh no, I know, I know. - Yeah, okay. That was like, oh.
Okay. Great. Wow.
I'll buzz you then?
Okay. - Okay. Okay.
I can't stop smiling. Sorry I...
Oh, okay.
Thank you for coming in today.
We really appreciate you considering us for your small business start-up loan.
No problem. - I've read your application form.
Thank you. - It was... funny.
Oh.
Okay, that wasn't my intention but...
As you are probably aware
we haven't had the opportunity to support many...
any women-led businesses since the...
Sexual harassment case.
The sexual harassment case, yes.
Are you alright? - Oh yeah, sorry.
I just, um, I ran from the station so I'm just a bit hot.
But I'm really excited about, um...
Water? - Er, no thanks, I'm fine.
Actually, yeah, water would be great, if I could...
Sure.
There are a couple of details that we need to iron out
and one or two bits and pieces I'm gonna need to see some more on.
It says in here that you opened the business with your partner in...
Okay.
I'm sorry, that kind of thing won't get you very far here anymore.
Oh no, sorry.
I thought I had a top on underneath.
Yeah, okay. - No seriously.
In this case, genuine accident.
I can see given our history why you might think that's...
No! Seriously I wasn't trying to. I was hot.
I take this kind of thing very seriously.
I'm not trying to shag you! Look at yourself!
Okay.
Please leave.
On...
No, you don't understand. I need this... I need this loan...
Please just leave.
Perv!
Wow!
My sister.
She's uptight and beautiful and probably anorexic
but clothes look awesome on her so...
You're almost late.
Had to do a flash poo in Pret.
Oh Christ. Did you wash your hands?
Course not.
Oh my God! You are disgusting. Fucking hell.
Of course I washed my hands. It's not like a grew up without a mother.
Heard from dad?
No.
Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters
was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures
start fucking our Godmother and eventually stop calling.
You look tired.
Thanks, I've been sleeping really well recently.
Shit.
I'm wearing the top that she lost years ago.
So... this is gonna be tense.
Do you want to take your coat off?
- Okay.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
So, any luck with...
Oh God, can we just have two seconds without...
I was going to ask how it was going with the cafe'.
I know, I just don't wanna talk about it yet! - Fine, we won't talk then. - Fine.
Hair looks nice. - Oh fuck off.
The only thing harder than having to tell your super-high-powered
perfect, anorexic, rich super-sister that you've run out of money
is having to ask her to bail you out.
I'm just gonna ask her.
I'm just gonna come...
Do you need to borrow money? - No.
Can't do it, can't do it, I can't do it. Can't do it.
Your business is good then?
Yeah. It's good. It's really good. It's really, really good.
Yeah, it's really good.
Sounds like it's really good.
It is.
Hey.
Can I get you anything?
No thanks, I'm good.
Are you sure I can't get you anything at all?
Is Harry helping? Er, we broke up.
What?! Again?
Mmm. If you see him, I'm a wreck, okay?
God, just don't get drunk and scream through his letterbox again.
Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence.
Don't get drunk and shit in your sink again.
When are you gonna stop bringing that up?
When you do something better!
I have two degrees, a husband and a Burberry coat.
You shat in a sink!
- Oh. Hi. Thank you. Hi. - Oh, no problem.
Nothing is ever going to be better.
I swear there are pants that give you thrush.
What are yours made from?
I dunno.
I need to get sexy pants.
I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body.
Fucking last minute bastard trendy parties, why do we do it to ourselves.
Oh my God, definitely not. That does nothing for you. I hate that.
What?
These are my clothes, Boo, I've been wearing these all day.
Oh God.
Were you wearing your coat? - Yes.
But...
Well, nothing here looked nice so I just thought I'd wear what I was wearing anyway.
Are you joking?
Yes.
Oh my God! Why didn't you tell me! - It's really not that bad! I love you!
I've gotta get a whole new outfit now!
I'll buy you pants, I'll buy you sexy pants! - I've been so many places today!
I'll buy you sexy pants! - Fuck off!
I'm sorry! I think it's a lovely dress! - Get out of here!
Oh, I mean, you really shouldn't wear such cheap materials.
They don't let your fanny breathe.
I know.
Thank you so much for coming to Women Speak
opening women's mouths since 1998.
Before we begin, I would like to ask you a question.
I don't know about you, but I need some reassurance.
So I pose the question to the women in this room today.
Please raise your hands
if you would trade five years of your life
for the so-called perfect body.
We are bad feminists.
I want my top back. - Okay.
Won't you get cold? - No, I've got really hairy nipples.
What?
Oh! - Fuck!
Fuck! - What was that?!
Jesus! - A fucking hug!
Well, why the fuck did you do that?
It was terrifying. Never do that again!
I was just trying to...
Are you okay? - Yeah.
Do you wanna go for a drink or...? - No, I've got plans.
Okay, fine. Sure, see you next time 'Women Speak' then.
Do you wanna go for a drink?
And my sister blows glass. She has done for a long time.
What was I saying, I've never like been in a fight.
Well, I've been in a fight. Never been punched in the face, you know what I mean?
I've been punched in the leg and someone once threw some punch in my face.
So my colours this season are sort of brown mainly
but like, you know, I wouldn't say no to a maroon.
I wouldn't like jump down the throat of someone wearing something blue
it's just not for me.
So, I'm gonna go for a waz.
- Yep, okay.
Same again? While I'm up. Or perhaps like a little cocky-tail?
Or like a nice shot?
Oh, yeah, or we could just go back to mine.
Wow. Um, thanks.
Er, I've actually got work, er, tomorrow, but, um, another drink here?
Or we could just go back to yours. - Gotta be up really early so...
Well, let's get you a cab in the morning. - That's ridiculous. I can't...
- Okay, what the fuck is your problem?
Oh, um, nothing.
I, um, I like you.
Okay, you're a dick.
What's going on?
You're pathetic.
Wait! - Oh, don't follow me.
Oh. I wasn't.
You dropped this.
Um...
Hey.
Come on.
Are you okay?
Sad face.
I'm fine.
Oh.
You're such a lovely man.
Okay. - Thank you.
Stay there, stay there, you okay?
Okay. Hey. Hey.
Do you wanna come home with me?
What?! No way!
You naughty boy.
Uh! - Ooh. the a cone. Boo-boo.
♪ Another lunch break, another abortion!
♪ Another piece of cake, another two...
♪ Fucking 20 cigarettes... and we're happy!
♪ So happy to be modern women! ♪
Hey, come here.
Let's never ask anyone for anything. They don't get it.
Deal. - Deal.
Fuck it.
♪ Do, do, doup doup! ♪
This is totally fine.
Hello? Open! Look.
Alright, Dad?
What's going on?
Oh, I'm absolutely fine.
Okay.
I just, er...
Yeah?
Ah, it's nothing.
It doesn't... it's...
You know it's nearly two o'clock in the morning.
Okay.
Yeah, okay. Um, I'm don't wanna, I'm gonna...
It was...
Oh fuck it...
I have a horrible feeling that I'm a greedy, perverted, selfish
apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman
who can't even call herself a feminist.
Well, um...
you get all that from your mother.
Good one.
Er, I'm gonna call you a cab, darling
and, um, please don't go upstairs.
To be fair she's not an evil stepmother.
She's just a cunt.
Hi.
Darling, I thought that must be you. Everything alright?
Yeah, I just thought I'd swing by.
Oh, how lovely. Lucky us.
Oh don't worry, Dad's already booking me a taxi.
What you doin'?
Oh, painting.
I find the night time's very peaceful...
Usually.
Oh, warming up.
Look, I know it's not really my place, but are you okay?
Everyone's been really worried. - Poor fucker.
Yes, she's actually an expression of how women are subtle warriors, strong at heart.
You know, we don't have to use muscular force to get what we want
we just use our... - Tits. - innate femininity.
Tits don't get you anywhere these days. Trust me.
It's very valuable actually.
How much? - Thousands.
Whoa. Can I have it?
- No.
What's that?
Oh, um, my self-portrait.
Oh.
- Right, it's here. - Oh, er, I think I can hear your dad.
Cab's here!
Thanks.
Ah, nice of him.
Okay. Bye. - Bye.
Um, please look after yourself. You really do look ghastly, darling.
Oh, a café, eh?
Yeah.
On your own?
Er, kind of.
Kind of? Go on.
- It's quite a funny story actually.
On no, that's good, it'll keep me going. Shoot.
I opened the cafe with my friend, Boo.
Cute name. - Yeah.
Yeah, she's dead now.
She accidentally killed herself.
It wasn't her intention but it wasn't a total accident.
She didn't actually think she'd die
she just found out that her boyfriend fucked someone else
and wanted to punish him by ending up in hospital
and not letting him visit her for a bit.
She decided to walk into a busy cycle lane
wanting to get tangled in a bike, break a finger maybe.
But as it turns out bikes go fast and flip you into the road.
Three people died, she was such a dick.
So yeah. Kind of on my own.