[ Crow caws ]
[ TV chatter ]
[ Burps ]
♪♪
[ Whistle blows ]
Mike: Whoa, hey, hey! Come on.
It's 7:30. Are we having dinner tonight?
[ Sighs ] Seriously, Brick?
There's just the three of us. Do we really have to do that?
Well, aren't you hungry?
Well, the guys got Jim a party sub for his birthday,
so I'm good.
I grabbed a burrito on the way home.
I was gonna get one for everybody,
but you really got to eat taco Jason's while it's hot,
before it hardens up. Hmm.
Seriously?!
You both ate and didn't even think about me?
Look, Brick.
We just came off of a big push getting Sue into college,
and we just need a break.
It's like how when we drive dad's car
all the way to grandma's and we have to let it
sit for a while or it won't turn on again.
We're like that right now.
We're just like parental beater cars.
Yeah. Just give us a couple months to recharge.
You still have to take care of me.
I'm still here. I'm still in school.
I mean, not officially, but once mom fills out the paperwork...
Yeah, but it's eighth grade. Not really an important year.
I promise -- when you get to ninth grade,
we'll give it a big push.
If not ninth, tenth. Right.
[ Whistle blows ]
Hey, Brick.
Hand me that remote, would you?
♪♪
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
[ Chuckles ] Aww, see, Mike?
I have to beg Axl to call,
but Sue's only been at college three days,
and she's already texting that she loves me.
[ Chuckles ] See, that's what's so great about having a daughter.
[ Clicking ] "Love you back."
[ Beep ]
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
"Love you more."
[ Clicking ] "Love you to the moon and back."
[ Beep ]
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
"Love you to the moon and back and back to the moon."
[ Chuckles ]
[ Clicking ] "Okay. Watching 'castle' now."
♪♪
"Tell Brick and dad I love them, too."
[ Beep ]
Oh, uh, excuse me. Lindsey?
Oh, hey. You having a problem with your lamp, too?
Oh, no. It's just, uh,
my roommate still hasn't shown up, and it's been three days.
Yeah. That's weird.
Yeah. It's just been hard, you know,
'cause there have been all these activities,
and everybody tends to go with their roommates,
and I just kind of had this idea of me and my roomie hanging out
and getting to know each other,
and I kind of thought freshman week
was supposed to be this...Magical time.
Yeah. It can be...
For some people.
So, anyway, do you know when Holly might be showing up?
I figured you were the person to ask.
And you did. So...Yeah.
♪♪
Frankie: Meanwhile,
Axl was having roommate problems of his own...
About a million of them.
There are ants everywhere! How did this happen?!
Dude, it's getting worse. I thought you sprayed something.
Yeah, well, all I had was axe body spray.
Well, now they're more confident than ever.
[ Sighs ] [ Cellphone rings ]
Oh. [ Beep ]
Sue, we've been over this. You do not contact me.
I will contact you,
and that's only if mom and dad are dead.
I know. I just had one quick question.
Fine, but before you ask,
remember you only get 10 questions for the year.
Are you serious?
Now you have nine. Okay, okay, okay.
Um, you know the I.D. Cards we use for meals --
can we use them to buy books?
And is the bookstore really crowded the first week?
Yes, you can,
and, no, it isn't. You're down to seven.
Lose this number! [ Beep ]
I can't find the source.
The ants are coming from all over the place.
Well, maybe we just got to make our own source.
What, do you got a smokin'-hot ant queen in your pocket?
No.
We lure them all to the same location.
Ants like sweets, right?
Put out a bowl of syrup, lure them all in,
they fall into it.
Boom! They drown. And it's very humane.
Wouldn't you want to die by syrup?
Oh, for sure. Yeah, me, too.
On the fourth day of freshman week
and with no roommate in sight,
Sue decided she was gonna go out there and make friends.
Need a third?
Mnh-mnh.
Okay.
♪♪
[ Chuckles ]
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Hey!
Sue again?
[ Sighs ] It's like the 20th text from her today.
"How much shampoo should I use now that my hair is shorter?
And do I really have to lather, rinse, and repeat,
or is that just a scam?" Really, Frankie?
Come on, Mike. She's adjusting to a new place.
Well, she didn't just land on the planet.
And she's less than an hour away.
[ Beep ]
Hey, mom. "Back to school" night is next Monday,
so here's the list of all my classes.
Ugh. Brick, you don't really want me to go to this, do you?
Actually, now that I'm the only kid,
I thought you could both go.
[ Both groan ]
Don't you guys want to see my school?
We've seen it, Brick.
Yeah, and every year, it's the same spiel.
"This is gonna be the most exciting year ever."
"We can't wait to get to know your unique and special child."
If I have to listen to that crap again,
I swear I'm gonna take a bath with the toaster.
Sorry, Brick. We're just done.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
[ Chuckles ] "Do I like green beans?"
[ Scoffs ] "Yes. Only with butter."
Hey! You're still parenting Sue. [ Beep ]
[ Sighs ] Brick, you're in eighth grade.
Sue just started college.
It's like triage. Who do we save?
Sue's the cerebral hemorrhage, and you're the sprained ankle.
So, sorry. You've been tagged "non-critical."
Fine. Then I won't even tell you about the pep rally.
And as for this emergency medical form,
I guess I'll just put me.
I swear -- we're gonna care so much for high school.
[ Cellphone vibrates ] Hey!
No. I know it's tough, but she's prepared.
She knows how to kill a bug, how to turn off a gas line,
how to rototill a yard.
She's ready.
We just got to let her start figuring out stuff for herself.
What if it's about her roommate?
"Wearing blue skirt with blue shirt. Too much blue?"
[ Scoffs ] It is, Mike. It is.
She has to break it up with something.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
All right, now, that's some cornshucker pride!
[ Cheers and applause ] So, on Friday,
let's show those Jasper west bearcats
who's number one, huh?! [ Cheers and applause ]
All right!
"The athletics at our school get all the glory and spirit,
but there's one part of our school
that's too easily overlooked.
Please welcome our new mascot for the library,
Bernie the bookmark." [ Scattered applause ]
In retrospect,
we really should have had Brick tell us about the pep rally.
[ Crowd murmuring ]
[ Stereo thuds ] [ Switch clicks ]
[ C+c music factory's "gonna make you sweat" plays ]
♪ Everybody... ♪ Brick: Read.
♪ ...now ♪
Come on, everybody.
Who's excited about reading?
♪ Everybody... ♪ read.
♪ ...now ♪ [ Crowd booing ]
You'd think his parents would have stopped this.
♪ Everybody... ♪ read.
♪ ...now, yeah ♪
Wow. That's a lot of ants.
Where did our bowl of syrup go?
They must have carried it off.
And that was our only bowl!
Hey.
I think they spelled out "more syrup."
Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Anteater. You read my mind.
Going on craigslist right now.
Um...
[ School bell rings ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Where you going, reader?
Hey, are you the kid that just did that stupid dance?
[ Scoffs ]
Uh...Yes.
What? Do you like the library or something?
I do.
You know, if you embrace reading,
it might change your life.
Okay. Who wants to punch it first?
Hey. Leave him alone.
Whoa.
Okay, fine, bookmark.
But I'll remember where we left off.
[ Laughs ] Good one.
Oh, you didn't get that?
Well, kudos. It was clever.
My name's not kudos, idiot.
Oh, for the love of god. Visit your local library.
♪♪
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Fine. I'm sending her a map of the campus.
She has a map there. It's called outside her dorm.
[ Sighs ] Look, she was just a little confused.
She wondered if it was faster to get to briscoe hall
by going through the gym or cutting through the quad.
You got to cut the cord, Frankie.
[ Sighs ] You weren't on the call.
I can tell this roommate thing is really upsetting her.
I can hear the tremble in her voice.
I talked to her, too. She sounded fine to me.
Does she, Mike?
'Cause moms hear tremble. Dads don't hear tremble.
You only hear the words. [ Door opens, closes ]
You don't hear the emotion behind the words.
You know, you got to be aware of everything
that's going on with your kid.
Hmm. [ Cellphone rings ]
Oh. Okay.
I'm gonna put her on speaker.
Really listen this time. [ Beep ]
Hi, honey. How's it going?
Yeah, I can't talk, but I just wanted to let you know
that some girls across the hall invited me to the lounge
to hang out and listen to this guy on our floor play guitar.
He wears sandals and looks like Jesus,
and he wrote this song called "Blowin' in the Wind," I think.
Wow. Well, that sounds great.
Yeah, we're gonna push the couches back
and sit in a circle and listen to him play!
[ Sighs ] It's really starting, mom.
I love college. Got to go. [ Beep ]
Yeah, I guess I missed the tremble.
♪♪
My point is she just needed some time to settle in.
If anybody's gonna be happy in college, it's Sue.
Yeah.
Yeah, so, Sue's happy, Axl's Axl, Brick's in bed,
and I don't have any heartburn.
I'm thinking maybe...
Are you saying that's on the table?
'Cause I can brush my teeth.
Oh, it's on the table.
Hot damn!
[ Chuckles ] [ Giggles ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Beep ] Hi.
[ Brushing ] Why are you back in your room?
It was horrible, mom.
I mean, it was great at first.
But then after he was done playing,
everyone started talking about politics.
Mom, do you know there are people who don't love America?
Yeah, I've heard that.
And did you know that some policemen are mean?
I didn't even know that could happen.
Well, I couldn't sit there and listen to everyone
badmouth our country, so I just ran out.
And they called me naive.
They said I was part of the problem.
I'm not part of the problem, am I, mom?
Oh, honey. Of course not.
Can you just talk to me until I fall asleep?
Sure. Of course.
♪♪
Uh, let's see. What happened today?
Well, the muffler finally fell off of dad's car.
Oh, no. Yeah, I know.
I'm sure they didn't mean it.
♪♪
[ Wheels squeaking ]
Well, here we are.
Thanks for walking me home. Again.
But you really don't have to keep doing this.
The girl who threw up in the pool
kind of took the heat off me.
I know. See you tomorrow.
♪♪
Okay. Party's over, ants.
Make peace with your ant lord.
We got an angry, ant-eating machine --
oh, he's licking me! [ Chuckles, clears throat ]
All right, ferret Bueller, get your eat on.
[ Squeaking ]
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh!
Why did you leave the back door open?
So girls could get in.
[ Sighs ]
[ Door slams opens ]
Uh, w-who's there?
I live here.
Oh, my god! Oh, you're Holly haypek!
[ Slurring ] I'm Sue Heck. Oh.
[ Normal voice ] Oh, I've been waiting for you forever.
So, where are you from? I'm from Orson.
I used to have long hair, but now I don't.
I don't know if you like these posters,
but I have some extras for your side if you want.
No beer?
No. But there's a hot-fudge sundae in there for you.
Anyway, it's so good you're finally here,
because you almost missed all of freshman week.
Yeah, well, I'm a junior, so not really an isSue.
Oh. That's kind of weird that they put a junior
and a freshman together.
But, hey, we can still go to the dorm mixer
and the roommate games.
Yeah. Nobody goes to those. They're lame.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's the first time I've ever heard
of an egg-and-spoon race being lame,
but that is a really good tip.
See? It's a great thing I've got a junior for a roomie.
You can show me the ropes. Anything else I should know?
Yeah, okay, uh, let's see.
Freshman year sucks. Sophomore year sucks.
I'll let you know about junior year,
but it's not looking good.
I already got hosed in the housing lottery.
I asked for a single.
I'm going out.
Bye.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Hey. What are you doing? [ Clicking ]
It's Sue. She's texting me now.
Go back to sleep. [ Beep ]
What? It's 3:00 in the morning.
Yeah. The roommate finally showed up.
[ Sighs ] Oh, no. That bad?
It's not good.
Ugh.
This is so hard.
When is it gonna stop?
You know, I think you were right.
We've been too available. I think we're making it worse.
Well, we don't have a long history of making things better.
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
[ Groans ] Hang on.
Says she's got one more thing.
Okay. You know what? No. No, no, no.
I'm making a decision. We are cutting the cord.
Oh, you're making that decision just right now, are you?
Listen, you were right.
I mean, with Sue, it's always one more thing.
One more story, one more hug, one more glass of water.
No, we -- we just have to close the door and say good night.
Ferberize our freshman.
I'm saying, "I'm sure you'll figure it out.
It's late. We're going to bed."
Oh, that's -- that's a little harsh.
Just send her an emoji. [ Sighs ]
[ Beep ]
I think I sent a frog.
That's good. She likes frogs.
[ Both sigh ]
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
♪♪
[ Gasps, sighs ]
Okay, seriously, what do you want from me?
I already said I don't have anything,
so if this is some kind of shakedown --
I don't want anything.
Then why are you protecting me?
I know what it's like to be the little guy who gets picked on.
You do?
In my family, my nickname is tiny.
So you were just being nice?
Now I wish there was some way I could repay you.
Actually, there is something.
[ C+c music factory's "gonna make you sweat" plays ]
♪ Everybody... ♪ read.
♪ ...now ♪ so, you just bend at the waist,
and you move your arms up and down.
Like this?
You got it!
We can do this every day, if you want.
My parents don't care about me anymore.
♪ Everybody... ♪ read.
♪ ...now ♪
♪ yeah ♪
Oh, hi. You're back finally.
You know, one thing I was thinking might be helpful
is if we write where we are on the memo board.
That way, if someone is gone for a couple days,
nobody has to worry or call the police.
For instance, I'm here, so I wrote "here."
[ Gasps ] Ooh, something new for the room?
You got tape? [ Gasps ]
You, my friend, have come to the right place.
This is my craft box. Okay. Let's see.
Tape, tape, tape, tape.
I've got one-sided, uh, multi-colored, masking.
Okay, so,
I want you to feel free to use this anytime
you're feeling crafty. [ Gasps ]
Ah.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, that's an interesting thing to do to life.
What's the matter? Does that bother you?
Well, I would rather love life,
but, you know, that's the great thing about college.
You know, we can have different opinions,
but we can still find some common ground.
I mean, we both like posters and tape.
Okay, listen.
You seem like a nice enough person.
But I'm gonna save you some time.
We're not gonna be best friends.
Or paint each other's nails
or stand up at each other's weddings
or get together with our husbands 20 years from now
and remember the good times.
It's nothing personal against you.
I don't like people.
I'm just here to get my nursing degree and get out of here.
Now, my boyfriend's coming over tonight, so...
You can stay here and watch, but you can't participate.
Okay. Yeah. I get it.
[ Chuckles ] I have seen some TV-14 shows.
I'm just gonna, uh, find someplace else to sleep.
Or walk the campus all night. Either way, I'm good.
Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy.
♪♪
[ Insects chirping ]
[ Door opens ]
Hey! You're not allowed to pass out in the lounge. [ Gasps ]
Oh, I'm not drunk. I'm just sleeping.
You got a room for that.
Actually, no, see, I don't.
My -- my roommate is a junior, and she has this boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to write you up.
But I -- but I've never been written up before.
Oh, my god. I'm getting written up.
No. [ Retches ]
Ugh. Freshmen.
♪♪
[ Telephone rings ]
[ Beep ]
[ Crying ] Mom. I got...Written up.
[ Sobbing ]
S-s-s-Sue, slow down, okay? Focus.
I need complete sentences a-and words.
It was all Holly's fault.
And she doesn't even act like a Holly.
She put swears on the walls
and she's not even here now
and I don't know where she is and I never know where she is.
She never writes on the memo board.
And she called Taylor swift a skank,
and I tried to tell her that she's just unlucky in love.
And that I saw her in concert and she was awesome!
Okay, Sue, honey. You just have to give it some time.
And not just that.
I'm making bad choices.
I'm only eating ice-cream sandwiches,
and I haven't pooped in three days!
I keep waiting for nobody to be in the bathroom,
but there's always somebody in the bathroom!
I tried at 3:00 A.M.,
but that's when the barfers come in.
What is she saying? [ Sobbing ]
She can't poop in front of Taylor swift?
And I know.
I'm sorry that I keep bothering you.
You said I was ready for this, but I --
I'm not.
And -- and I don't want to be here anymore.
And I hate college.
And I just want to come home!
Screw ferber. We're heading up there.
Already out the door.
[ Knock on door ]
Axl.
What's going on?
Oh, my god. Mom and dad are dead.
No. They're fine.
I just thought maybe you'd want to get some pizza or something.
Really?
That's another question. You're down to six.
[ Chuckles ]
And she doesn't even put sheets on the bed.
She just sleeps on an old coat.
Ugh. Well, at least she leaves sometimes.
Kenny was always around. It drove me nuts.
I mean, we're all buds now, but that first month away,
I was... Pretty homesick.
Really? I didn't know about that.
Oh, yeah. There were times where I really missed
mom and dad a lot.
You did?
Did you tell them?
No way. Why's that their business?
[ Sniffs ] Anyway, I just wanted to cHeck in,
make sure you're doing okay, you know, not sitting around,
listening to emo music or something.
Yeah, well, maybe I'm doing okay.
Look, it sucks for everyone at first, but by Thanksgiving,
you're gonna be having so much fun, you won't even want to go home.
[ Chuckles ] Except for, like, food and laundry, money, stuff.
[ Chuckles ]
Also, I could never take a dump in the dorms,
so I would suggest doing all your pooping at home.
Oh.
♪♪
It says "getting pizza."
Yeah, but that could be old.
Well, it says 10:09 P.M. and today's date.
Oh. [ Sighs ]
A ferret?! Cute! Can I see it?
Well, we actually kind of lost it.
But we're gonna get it back.
Put a bowl of syrup outside.
Yep, you can try to cut the cord,
but the truth is you don't get to stop being parents,
no matter how old your kids get.
And with moments like these, why would you want to?
♪♪
Did we tell Brick we were leaving?