Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
Thanksgiving--
the early settlers discovering America,
the pilgrims and Indians coming together,
a celebration of the American spirit.
Or it used to be.
Now it's just a pit stop on the racetrack to Christmas.
There she is.
Ready for some midnight madness?
So ready.
Not to give anything away,
but since I have a job now and some potato money to burn,
some people are gonna be getting
some pretty great presents this year.
- Hmm. - Let me help you with that, mom.
- Mm. - You really want to go shopping
the night before Thanksgiving?
No choice, Mike.
The Pioneer Galaxy Mall
has moved Black Friday up to Wednesday.
Tonight, everything is 60% off.
We wait till Friday, it's only 30% off.
I keep talking to you, it's gonna cost me another 10%.
I can reach that for you, mom.
Oh, thanks.
Besides, Thanksgiving's not a big deal this year.
I got it covered.
Your dad and Rusty are not gonna be here.
Aunt Edie's in Branson. There's no Marines to offend.
It's just the five of us and my parents.
Oh, by the way, you got to go pick up my parents.
What?
My mom's got that foot thing again,
and my dad has decided he's no longer fit to drive.
Well, he isn't.
Well, I know, but give it a shot.
She'll steer. He'll step on the gas.
Let's be creative about this.
They're only going 10 miles an hour, anyway.
- Mike. - What?
He can't just decide this.
He's supposed to have a couple wrecks.
You know, back into a supermarket,
and then we have a family meeting, and we take his keys.
That's how it's done.
I'll pick him up.
Really?
Sure, yeah. No prob.
Oh. Okay.
Uh, I see stuffing.
I see potatoes.
I don't see any lime jello salad.
You said you were gonna make me lime jello salad.
When did I say that?
Mom, will you make me a lime jello salad?
I'm busy, Brick. I'll make it some other time.
- When? - Talk to me in 10 years.
Well, it's been 10 years.
Seriously, Brick? Are you kidding me?
You've been waiting for lime jello salad for 10 years?
Then you see the unfairness of the situation.
Ugh. Fine. I'll make it tomorrow.
Okay, Sue,
let's grab your can of potato money and hit it!
Yeah!
Oh, shoot. I forgot to walk Colin Firth.
I'll do it.
Got to go take the garbage out anyway, so...
- Okay. - Yeah.
"Let me help you with that, mom.
Let me reach that for you, mom"?
What are you up to, Axl? What's your game?
Okay, look-- I haven't exactly told them
I had to drop three classes yet, so...
- Oh, Axl, Axl, Axl. - What?
You can't just come out and tell them something like this.
You got to lay the groundwork.
Otherwise, they'll wig out and try to parent you,
so here's what's gonna happen.
I drive up to grandma and grandpa's house.
Then on the drive home, I get them on my side.
Old people have more perspective.
They don't get all worked up about stuff like this.
So I tell them. They tell mom and dad.
And if mom flips out, they remind her of some story
of how she screwed up when she was my age
and she turned out okay.
Mom and dad will soften,
grandma will kiss me on the top of my head, and boom.
Done.
- You seem pretty confident. - Mm.
I was confident 10 years ago
mom would make me a lime jello salad.
All I'm saying.
Yeah.
So, let me get this straight.
You can check your blood at home and then just call it in
and get all the information online?
Yeah, I can see-- I can see if my blood's too thick,
my blood's too thin, the size of my blood particles...
- Wow. - ...make sure they're fluffy.
- Yeah. - You want your blood particles fluffy.
He doesn't want to hear about your blood particles.
No, I find it fascinating.
I also love this article you clipped out of the paper for me
about dorm organization, grandma.
So many helpful hints.
Oh. Organization is so important.
I've been packing for our cruise,
and they only let us have four bags.
For God's sakes,
he doesn't want to hear about our stupid cruise!
Oh, and he was so riveted by your fluffy-particle story,
his eyes practically rolled right up in his head.
Oh, no. No.
I find all the things both of you say
very interesting.
So, uh...
Something going on with me.
Crazy story.
I was failing three of my four courses,
and I had to drop them, so now I only have one.
Now, I'm sure you guys have the life perspective
to understand that, in the scheme of things,
it's not really a big deal,
and you probably have a similar story
about something my mom did when she was my age.
You dumb son of a bitch.
Oh, my God. Axl, this is a disaster.
- What were you thinking? - He wasn't thinking.
That's why he's down to one class.
In retrospect,
Axl wished he hadn't told them in the first five minutes
of what turned into the longest three-hour car ride
of his life.
I mean, I can't believe it.
Hit him again.
Hey. How did it go?
Good. So good.
We got really great stuff. Didn't we, Sue?
Yep.
Uh, really great.
It'll be a good Christmas
and so on and so forth and what have you.
I have to go put this stuff away now.
What's up with her?
Oh, who knows? She's 16. Could be anything.
Boys, hormones, Justin Bieber did something.
So, what have you been up to?
Happy Thanksgiving!
- Hi! - Happy Thanksgiving!
- Oh! - Mwah!
- Mwah. - Nice to see you.
Well?
Get this. They said I have to tell them myself.
Turns out you can't count on grandparents for anything.
Sure, when you need fudge, they're all over it.
But you ever need something real from them, forget it.
But they did bring fudge, right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Ohh.
There's my Suzy Q.
Oh! I brought something for you.
Now, I know that you like "Hunger Games,"
so here's an article about how it's being shown in Japan.
Oh, now this is about the dangers of sexting.
It's not good, Sue.
Thanks, grandma!
I'm sure I'll really enjoy reading these.
- Are you okay, honey? - She's fine. Right, Sue? Aren't you fine?
Yep! Yep. Super fine.
I'm gonna go to my room now for normal reasons.
What's up with her?
What happened to my sunshiny girl?
Oh, it's nothing. She's just tired.
She gets weird when she's tired.
Oh, you can't brush this stuff off, Frankie.
A change in mood is the number-one warning sign
for everything.
Parade had a story just the other day.
Here, let me find it.
Skymall.
Listen, Mike.
I want to tell you something on the QT.
You know that cruise Pat and I are going on at Christmas?
- Mm-hmm. - Not happening.
I gambled all the cruise money away playing online poker.
I lost it all, Mike. She's gonna kill me.
Ohh. You got to be kidding me.
For the first few months,
I didn't even realize I was playing with real money.
And by that time, I was 8 grand in.
And every time I thought about quitting,
this cyber girl comes up with a big rack
wanting me to buy more chips.
You know, this is the kind of thing
you might want to share with a blood relative.
It's bad, Mike. It's bad.
I'm afraid Pat's gonna cut me off in the bedroom.
Oh, geez. I don't want to know this, Tag.
It's too late. You're in it now.
Listen. Here's what we're gonna do.
I got to get pat off this cruise thing.
So, during dinner, I'm gonna keep dropping little hints
about the dangers of cruising,
and I want you to back me up.
Dinner!
Uh, mom, where's my lime jello salad?
Oh, shoot, Brick. I forgot.
Really, mom? 10 years, and you still couldn't pull it off?
Wow. Lucky I know you very well.
Ta-da!
We didn't have any fresh-fruit cocktail,
so I substituted skittles.
Wow, Brick.
You know, you're supposed to let it refrigerate
for four hours.
Oh, yeah?
Well, maybe we could do a taste test
against the one you made.
Okay, everybody.
Let's say grace, and then we can all dig in.
Who's that?
Dr. Goodwin. Hey.
Happy turkey day! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!
Uh, I couldn't remember whether you wanted me
to bring something when you invited me.
That's funny,
'cause I couldn't remember inviting him.
Oh, am I late?
No, we were just waiting for you so we could get started.
We haven't started yet.
Stop it. Stop eating right now.
So, this is my husband, Mike,
my parents, Tag and Pat,
and my kids, Axl, Sue, and Brick.
This is Dr. Goodwin, my boss.
- Oh. Hi, hi. - Oh. Hi.
Hi, there, everyone.
Frankie's told me so much about you.
I-I feel like I know you all.
Except for you two.
You two are complete strangers.
- Hmm. - You know, I think I'm gonna change
where I was gonna have you sit.
Mike, can you help me for a second?
- What's he doing here? - I don't know.
I hate to say it,
but I'm not even looking forward to Thanksgiving this year.
My family just fights all the time.
You should come to my house for Thanksgiving.
Okay, I will.
Yeah. See you there.
Apparently, he doesn't get sarcasm.
Slide down, Axl.
Okay. Finally, we're all here.
So, everybody, let's dig in
before everything gets cold.
- Oh. - Mm-hmm.
Oops. Forgot one thing.
I'll be right back.
I'd just like to say that this year,
I'm thankful someone remembered to make a lime jello salad,
and that person was me.
You know there's a bottle cap in there, right?
Yep.
Okay. Here we go.
You know, I'm just thankful that I'm not on a cruise ship
that's been boarded by pirates.
Right, Mike?
You want to expand on that?
Nope.
Happy Thanksgiving!
For the hostess.
Marlene, hi. Wow.
Um, Mike said Rusty wasn't coming.
Mike, didn't you say your brother wasn't coming?
Oh, he isn't. He isn't.
But I wasn't gonna let that keep us away.
- Family's family. - Yeah.
You remember my kids from previous relationships.
This is Colleen and Louis Vuitton.
Hello.
Come on in.
Gosh, I guess I haven't seen you
since the wedding.
Hey, everybody,
you remember Mike's brother's wife, Marlene,
and her children from previous relationships.
- Hey. - You know our family, and this is my boss, Dr. Goodwin.
Oh.
Hey, kids, can you, um, help me out?
Oh. I just remembered something I want to add to this.
I'm not comfortable with all these people here
eyeing my jello salad.
I only made enough for me.
Are you kidding me? This is awesome.
This is the perfect way for me to break my news.
Mom and dad are not gonna yell at me
in front of all these people, especially not her boss.
And by the time they get me alone,
they'll only be able to muster up like 10% of the rage.
Mm.
Okay, here we are. Potatoes and stuffing.
Take some and pass it along.
I'm fine with my jello.
Well, just so nice to see everyone,
since we won't be here for Christmas.
I don't know if Frankie told you,
but we're going on a cruise.
You know, people go missing
on cruises all-- all the time.
What was that story you were telling me, Mike,
about the honeymoon couple went missing on a cruise
and all-- all they found was a flip-flop?
- I-I don't know. - Really?
'Cause you told me about it, so I think you do know.
Oh, I took a dental cruise last year to the Bahamas.
It was magical.
The culture, the language.
I even learned a traditional Caribbean dance--
the Bamboula.
♪ Da, da-da, da-da-da ♪
This guy's killing me. Who invited the happy cruiser?
Nobody, actually.
Dysentery!
Rivers of crap. It happens.
Engines fail in the middle of the ocean all the time.
I mean, they're floating graveyards.
- What... - So, you're a dentist?
- Mm. - That must be your hatchback out front.
I bet it has a lot of leg room.
Mike, a word.
Did you need a napkin, ma'am? 'Cause that's mine.
Oh.
Yeah.
What gives, Mike?
You're leaving me hanging out there.
I'm throwing you softballs, and you're whiffing it.
Look, Tag, I don't really want to--
Okay, here's the deal. New jag.
I'm gonna tell them that you borrowed $10,000 from me
and can't pay it back,
and you're too embarrassed to admit it.
I'm not gonna say that.
Then you shouldn't have borrowed the money.
What?
I'm just trying to believe my own lie
so I can sell it.
You know, people always hate dentists,
but I love them.
Yeah, their skilled hands and white coats
and dirty-position chairs.
Well, we don't really call it that.
Maybe I can come and lie on yours one day.
I'm confused. Isn't she married to Uncle Rusty?
Drink your jello, Brick.
Oh, I will.
And what do you do?
Everything.
This is it, Brick.
This is my moment.
Excuse me.
I'd just like to say how thankful I am
to be surrounded by so many loved ones,
because when bad news has to be delivered,
you need your family and friends and bosses
to not overreact to--
I lost all our money. There's no cruise.
What?!
I lost it all playing online poker.
Oh, you dumb son of a--
Dad!
Mike told me to lie, but I had to come clean.
- Mike! - Why are you lying? - What?!
You can't even order your own vitamins on Amazon,
but you gamble...
I could have sworn she was married to Uncle Rusty,
because I remember the wedding in our backyard.
- Dad gave a speech. - She kept batting her eyes at me.
Please!
Let's not overreact here.
Look. Everyone makes mistakes.
The important thing is forgiveness.
And in that spirit, mom and dad, I'd like to tell you
in front of all your family and bosses that--
You know what? I put this in the window
and you're not shopping? What gives, huh?
Is it because I'm divorced?
- What? - You and Rusty are divorced?
He didn't tell you?
He's not a good communicator.
That was one of our issues.
I mean, not the biggest one.
The biggest one was that I slept with his best friend,
but certainly top three.
This is so good.
So, Thanksgiving was winding down.
And for some people, it wasn't ending fast enough.
Ah, well, this was so much fun. I should get going.
Oh, no, no, no. Don't go. We haven't even had dessert yet.
- Please let me leave. - We're leaving, too.
No, wait. You can't go.
I have something I need to say,
and I want to say it in front of all of you.
Now, I won't go into a big intro
because I keep getting interrupted--
Hey, look. Is that mom?
That is you.
Well, with the holidays upon us,
it seems every year, we have to report a story like this.
No, I agree.
Hey. That picture's taken out of context.
You know what? Let's turn it off.
Isn't the Thanksgiving parade on?
A warning-- some of these images may be disturbing.
Here, take it!
What is it?
I don't know, but it's 60% off!
What is happening?!
I was just trying to get over to the discount calendars,
and this little, bitty thing just came over and ran me down.
I'm thankful I wasn't hurt.
Yes, it appears all of us
who were not at the Pioneer Galaxy Mall last--
That wasn't all!
You guys didn't see the whole thing.
Mom kept throwing me things,
and she kept saying, "Put it in the cart!
Put it in the cart! Put it in the cart!"
And everyone went nuts and started grabbing things.
I had to fling myself on the cart to stop them.
So, I hope you enjoy your iTouch, Brick.
Fine.
You guys judge me with your judge-y little eyes.
Go ahead.
Everybody wants great Christmas presents
for low, low prices,
but nobody wants to know how it gets done.
Nobody wants to get their hands dirty.
Well, I did it. I did what I had to do.
That's what it takes to pull off Christmas with no money.
And it's not pretty.
I had to drop three classes.
You had to drop three classes?
- You were only taking four! - Hey, look.
I think we should all keep this in perspective.
You know, weigh it up against some crimes
other people in this family might have done.
Oh, no. We're not talking about me anymore.
We're talking about you. How could this happen?
I had to drop them.
My professors were gonna fail me.
I mean, I'm crushing my Music-Appreciation class.
Getting a C.
And I'm only showing up half the time.
Well...
it's your life.
And they are gonna call holding...
Oh, God.
I really shouldn't have eaten those mashed potatoes.
You sure it wasn't that pan of pus you sucked down?
What's your problem? Your plan worked.
You got away with it. Dad barely reacted.
No. No way. Something bad's coming.
Dad's way too calm.
It's weird. He's got to be furious with me.
You guys want to play some football?
Uh... sure.
Axl, you're my receiver.
Brick, you keep laying there
and finish what you started.
Okay.
Okay. Great.
So, it's family versus family.
All right, Goodwins, let's do this.
- Dads cover the dads. - Ready?
Go on. Go on.
Okay. Here we go. 47. 22.
Hut! Hut! Hike!
Nice snap, Sue.
Oh!
That's okay.
Wow, that girl can hit.
I don't even have the ball.
And you're on my team!
Oh, sorry.
You know, Frankie.
You causing that mall stampede
made me pissing away the cruise money
look not so bad.
Okay, I think the term "Stampede"
is a little inaccurate.
I would call it a... group hurry.
Ready? Break.
The point is everyone makes mistakes.
I think now is a good time to tell you
that I joined Weight Watchers in 1996,
and I forgot to cancel my monthly membership.
Hmm.
Down, set.
Hut! Hike!
Mm. That's okay, Axl. You tried.
What? No, it's not.
It's not all right. What's the matter with you?
Why aren't you yelling at me?
Why would I yell at you?
Uh, 'cause I had to drop three classes.
It's your life, Axl.
Stop saying that.
What do you want me to say?
That you should stop goofing around in college
and start taking it more seriously?
Yeah.
That you should spend more time studying
and less time partying?
Duh.
That you should realize the decisions you make now
are gonna determine the rest of your life,
so you better think them through?
Uh, yeah. I think so, yeah.
I'm not gonna say that. You're not ours anymore.
It's your life now. It's up to you how it all goes.
Well, thanks for the heads-up.
That would have been great to know before I screwed it up.
When were you planning on telling me?
Hey, you want to be an adult? Be an adult.
Fine.
I'll meet with my adviser as soon as I get back to school
and figure out how I can make up these credits.
Is that what you want?
It doesn't matter what I want.
It's what you want.
What game are you playing?
There's no game, Axl.
Uh, is this part of the game, you saying there's no game?
Come on in. Pie's ready.
Okay, next semester, I am loading up on credits,
and I'm not doing anything fun.
Fun's over. No joining a frat.
No Thirsty Thursdays. No nothing.
And I'm coming home every weekend to study.
And I'm not giving myself any pie.
I don't deserve pie.
Okay, well, maybe one small piece,
but I will not use whipped cream.
Yeah, in our house,
Thanksgiving means being thankful
that no matter what stupid thing you did,
it's a pretty safe bet
that someone did something stupider than you.
Again, I am so sorry about everything.
I know it was a pretty screwy Thanksgiving.
So, I guess I'll see you at Christmas, huh?
- Okay, I'll be here. - Oh, yeah. I know you will.
See you on the 25th.
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
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