Out here in the Middle...
one thing you can count on is after a long, cold winter...
spring arrives with all its hope and possibilities.
And this spring, everything was coming up Sue.
Hey, Sue. How'd the driver's test go?
Oh, I failed again.
'But' the examiner only had to scream...
and hit the brakes twice, so I think I'm getting better.
Well, I got you this beach-scented air freshener...
at the car wash for when you passed...
but it's sort of losing its scent.
So I'll just give it to you for luck.
Aw!
Oh, I love the beach. Thanks.
'Kay. Bye.
- Bye. - Bye!
Bye.
Let's go, ladies! Bus is leaving.
Oh, excuse me! Did somebody forget this?
Let's go! Do you want to be on the tennis team or not?
Yes!
Axl, on the other hand, was in the middle of a long cold snap.
'Sup?
Uh, I don't know, Axl.
I've been calling you and texting you...
for the past two days, and you haven't responded.
So when you ask me what's ""sup,"
I'm not sure I know how to answer that question.
My friends usually just say ""sup" back.
Well, I'm super happy for your friends.
But my boyfriend usually answers my phone calls.
Maybe I've been avoiding your calls...
'cause I thought you were busy with somebody else.
What do you mean?
What I mean is, I went by your house the other day...
saw you holding hands with your old boyfriend.
I was walking to the car...
- and Cliff grabbed my hand, but... Ha! Busted.
'But...'I was mortified, and when I got in the car...
I told him that was so not okay...
because I have a boyfriend.
Well, seems like Cliff's your boyfriend now...
so why don't you two just buy a hippie van...
and go spend the rest of your lives living on a commune...
delivering vegetables in a box to people?
Look, I asked you about a hundred times...
if him being here made you uncomfortable...
and you kept saying you were cool with it.
"I'm cool. It's cool. It's cool. We're cool. Uhh!"
Well, if you had to keep asking me...
maybe you could have figured out...
- I wasn't cool with it. - That's not fair.
If you have a problem, you need to talk to me...
instead of being so immature.
You know, forget it.
I don't even know what to say.
By the way, I 'love' having a girlfriend!
It's 'so' much fun!
All right, just a heads-up...
finale of "The Bachelor" is on tomorrow night.
So if you want dinner, you're gonna have to drive and get it yourself.
Okay.
Hey, if you wanna take me on a romantic helicopter ride...
over a volcano in Hawaii, be my guest.
Until then, this is my escape.
I thought The Oscars were your escape.
I have a lot to escape from, okay?
Hey, Brick, listen...
Yeah, I know. "The Bachelor."
Yep, everybody knew that when "The Bachelor" was on...
I was 100% focused.
I got a D on my geography test.
Teacher says you have to sign it.
Good job.
Can I stay out past my curfew tonight?
Darrin and I are gonna go make out in his car.
Have fun.
Lost another library book.
They said we need to pay full price to replace it.
Hmm.
Whoo! What a game.
I mean match. I learned that one halfway through.
I have to replace my electrolytes.
You are looking at the newest member...
of the Orson High tennis team.
You made the tennis team?
Well, I didn't "make it," per se.
The coach thought I was on the team.
I tried to tell him that I wasn't...
but then he realized that he didn't have enough players...
so without me, they would have lost the match.
So you won?
Oh, God, no. On the last point...
I hit what my coach called a "very weak lob..."
and my opponent hit what he called...
a "blistering overhead smash."
Is that how you hurt your face?
No. A bird flew in the bus window on the way home.
I never saw it coming.
Beaks are sharp.
So the next match is against Terre Haute...
and my coach said he really wants me to...
- uh, what's the word? - Quit?
Drill. So, dad, I was hoping you could go out...
and do some drills with me.
- Mm. - Please?
You're the only person who could help me get better.
I don't know, Sue. Every time I try to teach you a sport...
I yell, you cry. It's a whole thing.
What your dad is trying to say is that he would love to help you.
Oh, yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you...
thank you, thank you.
Oh, and, mom, I'm gonna need to pay for this uniform...
so I'm gonna need a check for...
You know what? I'll ask you during "The Bachelor."
Okay. Let's practice your hand-eye coordination.
I want you to practice bouncing the ball...
up and down on your racquet like this.
- Okay? Give it a shot. - Mm-hmm.
How long should I do this for, dad?
Till I finish the sports section.
Okay. Let's work on your forehand.
- Ready? - Mm-hmm.
All right.
- Whoa! - Uhh!
Keep your eye on the ball.
And, uh, try saying, "bounce, hit."
Bounce, hit.
Wow. Where was that when I was trying to teach you softball?
Bounce, hit.
Attagirl.
Bounce, hit.
Wow!
Sue, I gotta say, you are not totally horrible at this.
Wha... oh, dad, stop.
You're embarrassing me.
I'm telling you, Frankie, she kept her eye on the ball.
- She moved her feet. She had some power. - Mm-hmm.
Ugh!
Chip clip, people! Not that hard!
She was really good.
I mean, all in the realm of Sue, but she's not a disaster.
Oh, that's great.
Are you even listening to me?
You remember Sue, right?
The one who threw a baseball into her own eye?
I'm sorry, Mike.
This is a big night for me.
Blake is choosing between Alissa and Kendall.
Are you sure you don't wanna watch with me?
I've never been so sure of anything in my life.
Suit yourself.
'Tonight, on the dramatic season finale of "The Bachelor...'
'...who will Blake choose...'
'...Kendall or Alissa?'
Alissa, baby! She's got this.
Oh, my God, look at her evening gown.
So tasteful.
'There will be tears and drama.'
Whoo-hoo! In yo' face, Kendall!
Whoo! If grandma doesn't like you, you got no chance.
'And then came the moment I'd been waiting for all season.'
'Kendall...'
Suck it. You're gone.
'Will you marry me?'
What? 'No!'
It's Alissa!
Alissa, you dummy, not Kendall!
Are you blind? Can't you see you picked the wrong girl?!
'Blake, congratulations.'
'Three and a half months of buildup, and it was over.'
'I was crushed. Blake was lost forever...'
'...and Alissa had no chance of winning him back.'
'Maybe Axl would have better luck trying to win his girl back.'
"Cassidy"
"you light up my existence"
"there's no need for resistance"
"going forward, just assistance"
"it's my insistence"
"Cassidy"
"oh, my God"
Wait, no! No. Oh, crap.
Aah!
Crazy night last night, huh?
By the way, your dad is one speedy dude.
Never seen a guy jump over a fence...
in crocs and a bathrobe before, but...
Is he still pissed?
Actually, we're both still pissed.
What? Why are 'you...' pissed?
I don't understand you, Axl. You're jealous of Cliff...
so you pout and ignore me for three days.
Then you throw rocks, sing songs, and light fires.
How is that supposed to solve our problems?
Maybe if you heard the whole song...
We keep running into the same issue, Axl...
you gotta think a little bit more before you do stuff.
I'm sorry, but when I'm into someone...
I don't think with my head, I just go with my instincts.
Well, your instincts almost burned my house down.
Why can't you just talk?
Why can't you just stop talking?
Sorry, Axl, I use words.
And I need to be with someone who can do that, too.
Well, excuse me.
I didn't realize when we started dating...
I had signed a contract saying I had to be exactly like you.
And you know what?
I came up with an awesome rhyme for "Cassidy..."
but now you're not gonna hear it.
Was it "rhapsody"?
No.
Okay, Sue, here we go.
Ohh. Great serve! Really nice!
'15-love.'
'30-love.'
Oh, that one was even better than the last one.
Okay, Sue, come on, shake it off.
Remember, bounce, hit.
Out!
No, I'm pretty sure that was in, dad.
Uh, no, Sue, I'm pretty sure it was out.
Well, maybe too close to call.
Okay, it's yours!
'40-love.'
Ugh.
You're still in bed?
Yeah, I'm having a little trouble gettin' it going today.
It's 4:30. I'd say you're havin' a lot of trouble.
I just can't believe he picked Kendall.
Are you kiddin' me?
No. No. Listen to me...
it was all lined up for him and Alissa.
They both shared a passion for sailing.
They both loved the elliptical machine.
And, yeah, you can say there's no accounting for chemistry.
But it's not a chemistry thing. Trust me, there was chemistry.
Ugh. I'm starting to think I don't know Blake at all.
That's because you don't.
Ugh. I'm not talking to you about this anymore.
Promise?
So how was the game? Sue do okay?
Uh... she did not.
She didn't win a single point.
Oh, crap. Is she upset?
She's never been happier.
Said it was the best day of her life.
Oh, well, that's good. I'm glad she's happy.
You should have seen her out there.
She spent the whole match telling her opponent how great she was.
Well, that's nice.
No, it's not. Frankie, sports is like life.
If she's a pushover on the court, she'll be a pushover in life.
Or if she's nice on the court, she'll be nice in life.
The important thing is she had fun.
Fun?
The world is full of people warming themselves around...
trash can fires who had fun.
I'm not messing around here. Sue's got some real promise.
If we're gonna take this thing seriously...
we really gotta start riding her.
She got on a bus by accident.
How seriously should we be taking this?
She's so frustrating.
When I took her out on that tennis court...
she showed some real potential.
Oh, God.
What?
It's just when Blake and Alissa had their tennis date...
there was such an ease between them.
I don't know.
Maybe it was all for the cameras.
Hey.
'Sup?
- 'Sup? - 'Sup?
Is Sue here?
I told you never to say her name around me.
Axl, is there a difference between a chat room and a message board?
Yeah. One's for losers, and one's for total losers.
Actually, Mrs. Heck...
a chat room is like a conversation with a person...
like we're having right now...
and a message board is just a place...
for you to post your thoughts.
Thank you, Sean.
And would you mind staying and being my son?
Dude, what's up with the chick food?
What? Me and Cassidy used to get together on Wednesday nights...
to make these big salads, but screw it.
I don't need her to make a salad.
She's not the president of salad.
As a matter of fact, I'm gonna Instagram this...
so she can see me makin' a salad.
Do you guys know how to make that...
frowny face thing on the computer?
I'm on the "Bachelor" fan site...
and lovestv73 thinks Blake made the right move in picking Kendall.
A frowny face is just a colon and a backwards...
Would you stop helping her?
So you and Cassidy are done?
What's going on? Caxl's breaking up?
I don't know.
But I'm a man, so I'm not gonna go crawling back and ask her.
Who wants candied pecans?
You know, sometimes when Sue and I are having a fight...
I just reach out...
- and gently touch... - I swear to God, Darrin.
You guys want fresh croutons?
- Dude, seriously? - Hells, yeah!
Give me some day-old bread. I'll make'em right now.
Aw, come on. That's a load of crap!
Guys, let's say you took two girls on a horseback ride...
and one you totally connected with and had an amazing time...
and she looked great in cowboy boots and a sundress...
and the other one was all wussy about it...
and kept pretending she needed help...
and was closing her eyes and giggling like an idiot.
Which one would you want to marry?
I only have eyes for Sue.
You have one more, Darrin. One more.
Oh.
Looking good, Sue!
Ready for Lawrenceville on Friday?
Oh, are you kidding? I can't wait.
They have such a pretty campus.
Yeah, I'm sure they do.
But, uh, listen, Sue, I wanted to talk to you.
Um, you were awful nice out there the other day...
complimenting the other team.
Thanks, dad.
Well, let me finish.
See, sports isn't about being nice.
Sports is about being competitive.
It's about wanting to beat the other person.
Oh. I think I remember my coach saying something about that.
Okay. So if you really wanna win, you gotta dig down deep.
You gotta get in touch with that anger.
What anger?
The anger that's inside you.
I don't have any anger inside me.
Dad, do you have anger inside 'you?'
A little bit.
Okay, okay.
When you're being a wrestlerette...
and you're cheering for the wrestlers...
you want them to win, or do you want them to lose?
I want them to win!
Okay. So when you're out on the tennis court...
think of yourself as your own cheerleader.
Oh. I like that.
Okay. So if you're your own cheerleader...
do you want yourself to win, or you want yourself to lose?
I want myself to win.
So who you gonna root for?
- Sue! - Go, Sue!
- Go, Sue! - Go, Sue!
- Go, Sue! - Sue!
Sue! Sue! Sue! Sue!
Hit that ball!
Nice!
Aah!
Really?
I know. I know.
I am being ridiculous.
It's a stupid TV show, but I just can't shake it.
I mean, I was actually doing okay. I really was.
And then "People" magazine came out...
with all their honeymoon plans.
He's taking Kendall to Aruba, Mike.
Aruba!
20 years, and I've never once slapped you, but... God help me.
Well, don't judge me!
At least I'm not afraid of my emotions, you coward!
Let me show you how this is done.
Okay, Axl, you're next.
Ooh, you do not wanna go up against the Ax-Man, all right?
They're gonna have to rush you to the thumb emergency room.
I can totally beat you. I have freakishly strong thumbs.
Hmm. - Tell him, Deb.
She does. They're freakishly strong.
What's the matter? You scared?
Is he scared, Court?
- I'm pretty sure he's scared. - We're pretty sure you're scared.
Okay. Let's do this!
Go, Ax-Man. - Whoo!
One, two, three, four!
We declare a thumb war!
Tickle torture!
Aah! Come on!
- Oh! Aah! - Oh!
Okay.
Remember now... be tough. Be strong.
Root for Sue!
Got it.
I really like her tennis skirt.
Is it okay if I tell her before we start?
No. Now come on.
Sue. Sue. Sue.
Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue. Sue.
Sue. Sue.
- Okay. - Okay, Sue, here we go!
'15-love.'
Wow! That was...
Mnh-mnh.
'30-love.'
I'm sorry. I just have to say something.
You are so good. You are amazing.
That shot was amazing.
And not just that shot, all of the shots.
You must have practiced so hard to get this good...
and I am so sorry I didn't say something earlier.
'Fault.'
Ooh. Really nice try.
I... I think last time, you may have tossed it a little higher.
'Double fault.'
'30-15.'
I think you tossed the ball a little 'too' high that time.
Don't worry. You'll do better next time.
'Fault.'
- Shake it off. You got this. - Shut up.
Turns out Sue's niceness was her greatest weapon.
And as the match went on...
she unleashed a barrage of sweetness on her opponent.
Awesome try.
'Game.'
Ooh!
Just missed.
Great form, though.
Good girl, Sue. Keep hittin’ her with the compliments.
Don't let up.
'Game.'
You are almost there.
Next time, I swear!
All right. Looking good. Looking good.
Cute headband, by the way.
Shut up! Just shut up!
- Aah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Unsportsmanlike conduct.
Lawrenceville forfeits the match.
And then three words were spoken...
that have never been said before...
Sue Heck wins!
- That's my girl! - Aah!
You did it!
Aah! I did it!
So after six days, it was finally time to move on...
to booze.
What are you doing up?
Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night...
to eat Axl's leftover salad.
Have you tasted it? He really has a gift.
Mm.
How come you're up?
It's "The Bachelor," Brick.
I don't know why I can't get over it.
Even Alissa has moved on.
She's dating a Tennessee Titan, and she's back teaching Zumba.
Well, she always has been resilient.
Who?
Alissa.
Remember the sixth episode when they went fly fishing in Montana?
She was so embarrassed because she was the only one...
who couldn't figure out how to bait her hook.
But she stuck to it...
and she ended up catching that speckled trout.
How do you know all this?
Of course I was mad.
Blake was doing jell-o shots off Kendall's stomach.
Jell-o shots.
If you really think about it, mom...
it's actually a good thing that Blake didn't pick Alissa.
Why?
Remember when she was crying at the spa?
She told her facialist that the one thing...
she wanted more than anything was kids.
And Blake made it very clear in the hot tub...
that he didn't want kids.
So... better he broke her heart now...
than really breaking her heart down the road...
when she wanted a family and he didn't.
And just like that...
the weight of the world was lifted off me.
You know, Brick, you're right.
I never thought about it like that.
For me, it was over when he booted Jessica.
But then I got online and saw her meltdown...
in the confessional, and she is a whackadoodle.
- Totally. - Absolutely.
- Yeah. - But my favorite episode...
has to be the one where they all go...
- scuba diving. - I love that one.
But Kendall thinks that it's snorkeling.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That night, I had the best sleep I had in a long time.
Turns out all I needed was someone who understood me.
I just never imagined that person would be Brick.
But he was right.
It's like Alissa said at the moonlight clambake...
"Love is like a river.
It will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle."
You were right. When you're in love...
you don't always think with your head.
When I saw you with that cheerleader...
I wanted to rip her stupid eyebrows off.
Really?
That's... pretty immature on your part, but still cool.
Actually, I've got a lot of things I could say...
like "sorry" and "I'm an idiot..."
and your Instagram really made me miss your salad...
but I'm not gonna stand here and make you talk about it.
That's even cooler.
But I am gonna do this...
"when I see your face"
"there's not a thing that I would change"
"cause you're amazing"
"just..."
You know, if you kiss me right now, I wouldn't have to keep singing.
"When I see your face"
"there's not a thing that I would change"
"cause you're amazing"
"just the way you are"
"yeah"