Since the dawn of time,
kids have been trying to get away with stuff,
and ours is no exception.
Whoo! Oh!
Best... day... ever!
Long story short, I still hate dodgeball.
What about you, Axl? How was your day?
Whatevs.
In two years, we're gonna be
releasing you into society, so here's a little tip--
"Whatevs" is not the answer to any question.
Fine. School. Homework. Whatevs.
Mm, speaking of homework,
the next time you want to take our desk chair
out on the open road,
you might want to register it at the DMV first.
You did what? I just bought that chair.
You could have killed yourself, Axl.
Yeah, that, too.
It was perfectly safe.
I was strapped in with bungee cords
and the belt from Darrin's dad's robe.
How'd you find out about this, anyway?
How many times do I have to tell you? Moms know everything.
Try another stooge move like this again, and you can forget
about going to the lake with Sean and Darrin.
No! You can't take the lake away from me.
I've been working on my abs all winter.
I'm not taking it away from you yet.
If you want to go to the lake, don't do any more stupid stuff.
It's in your control.
How is that in my control?
And it's not only the ones who you expect that screw up.
Sometimes it's the good ones, too.
So the next night, we found ourselves
in the same place with a different kid.
I just don't understand why I need to learn this skill.
Outside of gym class, when will I ever need to dodge a ball?
You just gotta get through it, Brick.
Look, when I was in fourth grade,
I got beaned on the side of the head,
and to make it worse, I was wearing my mom's earrings.
I probably had it coming since I borrowed 'em without asking.
Okay! I'm sorry I took your earrings.
I know you know, so please stop torturing me.
Of course I know.
You have to do more than refluff the carpet to get one by me.
When are you gonna realize she's got eyes
in the back of her head? How many fingers?
Three.
I'm sorry, mom.
I just wanted to try them out.
Brad and I are doing our team sober
non-texting-and-driving performance at the mall,
and I'm playing a high-powered businesswoman
who thinks the rules don't apply to her.
Well, around here, the rules do apply to you,
and if you don't follow 'em, there's gonna be consequences.
Yeah. I say we make her take a run through slap alley.
I call butt and face.
You're right. Sorry I took the earrings.
I'm going to my room without dinner.
And I'll go to my room with dinner.
Sit down. Now everybody drink their milk. It expires today.
Yep. It's nice to be able to scare people.
Sure beats being scared.
All right, listen up, space-wasters.
In case you're not clear on this,
this is not a parking lot.
You can actually sell those cars out there.
And don't whine to me about the economy.
My wife's paint-huffing brother just got a job, so it's back.
Now I want to hear some ideas. Pete?
Nothing. Bob. Nothing.
Fish-Face. Nothing!
Sir, that-- That was a customer.
You know, the Indy 500 is coming up.
What if we had a radio station broadcast live from the lot
and tied it in with the race?
Hmm. Interesting.
Pete, you want to repeat that in a man's voice
so I can see if I like it?
I can do it, sir.
I said, "a man's voice."
You know what? Forget it. I love the idea.
The Indy 500.
We go live on the radio
and promise to sell 500 cars in 5 days,
and if it doesn't work, it's your fault.
- But-- - "But" nothing! Now somebody go sell Fish-Face a car.
Axl? Can I ask you a favor?
Sure. Why not?
- Will you-- - No.
Brad and I really need a ride to the mall tomorrow
for our anti-texting-and-driving performance.
Lives are depending on it. Will you please drive us?
Will you make me a sandwich?
Ugh. Fine.
- Then he says... - "'But' nothing!
Now go sell Fish-Face a car."
Who's Fish-Face?
Ah, some customer. Doesn't matter.
He look like a fish?
So we need to be at the mall by 3:45.
Good luck with that.
Axl.
What? I said, "Will you make me a sandwich?"
I didn't say I'd drive you.
That is so not fair.
Fine. Get me some chips.
Did he have bulging eyes? Is that what it was?
I don't know. He had a fish-like essence, okay?
The point is I don't have time to sell 500 cars.
I got a lot going on this week.
I have to be at Brick's school on Friday for Parent Night.
Ah.
Thank you for the chips. Have fun walking to the mall.
Axl!
W-- I cannot believe it. You are so selfish!
Axl? Are you okay?
Pop. Pop.
I don't get why you're stressing out about Parent Night.
Says the man who's never gone.
It's called "Parent Night," not "Parents Night."
If they wanted us both to go,
they'd have put another "S" in there.
It's almost too easy.
Oh, Axl. You!
Axl, I really need to go to the mall!
It's the meeting where they do all the sign-ups...
For the end-of-the-year volunteering, and every year,
I get screwed with a crappy job, but not this year.
This year, I'm getting paper goods if it kills me.
Shop and dump, baby. Shop and dump.
Hey, mom?
I'm gonna turn in for the night, so you want to settle up?
Oh. Okay.
All right.
Oh. That's the stuff.
See you in the morning.
Okay.
I got a bunch of questions.
They're candy cigarettes.
Yeah. I connected those dots when he ate one.
What are they for?
Information. He told me about Axl and Sue.
Wait, what?
Yeah, you know, the desk chair and the earrings?
How do you think I find out about stuff around here?
So wait a minute-- Brick is a snitch?
I prefer the term "whistle-blower."
I can't believe this.
Hey. I didn't hear you complaining when I busted 'em.
That's because I assumed you were busting 'em with integrity.
Now I know you just stock up on smokes
and dispatch your little flying monkey.
Look, Mike, they're young, they're crafty,
and there's more of 'em. We need every advantage we can get.
It's just not right, Frankie.
And what if they find out about your little system? Then what?
They're not gonna find out,
because you're the only one who knows,
and I think we've established that you don't like tattling.
I have a gun! No, I don't believe in guns. I have a stick!
God. You're even a dork when your life is threatened.
Axl, w--
It's 1:00 in the morning. Where were you?
Dad said, if you mess up one more time,
you're not going to the lake.
I was at Darrin's, playing Halo and eating cereal.
Now are you gonna be cool about this,
or you gonna be a snitch like Brick?
Brick's a snitch?
Apparently, he's been doing mom's dirty work for years.
I overheard mom and dad fighting about it.
Wow.
Look, I need to know
you're not gonna tell mom and dad about this.
And I need to know
that you're gonna drive me and Brad to the mall tomorrow.
Why would I drive you and Brad to the-- Ohh.
? if you're looking down to read a text ?
? you won't see what happens next ?
Aah!
'Cause you're dead, you're dead, you're d-d-d-d-dead!
This is so exciting. I feel like I'm backstage.
You know, technically, backstage would be in the trunk.
If you guys want to go back there,
I'll totally let you out before you suffocate.
Sue. Vocal exercises.
Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
Gutta-butta, gutta-butta, butta-gutta, butta-gutta.
Mee-moo, tee-too, bee-boo, gee-goo.
Kill me, kill you, kill he, kill Sue.
Okay, Axl. You can pick us up right here after the show.
We'll probably be about an hour and a half
unless we do an encore. Oh, who am I kidding?
Of course we're gonna do an encore.
Don Ehlert here,
and this place is swarming with customers,
so get on down here and get yours
while the getting is good.
7 million people watch the Indy 500,
and you couldn't get one of them down here with your dumb idea.
Yeah. At least I had something.
Fish-face had more ideas than you.
So zoom on down to Ehlert Motors before all the deals are gone.
How do you go to music on this thing?
Come on, music, music.
? we're here at Ehlert's ?
? and we're selling lots of cars ?
? there's a really cool yellow one ?
? and we got other colors ?
? if yellow's not your thing ?
That... was... amazing.
Oh, do you think they liked it?
Are you kidding? Some of 'em even slowed down to watch.
The death montage was the best I've ever seen it.
Oh, when you rode the escalator
as if it was taking you to heaven-- Goosebumps.
We are gonna rock that gig at the senior center tomorrow.
I'm just gonna leave my dance shoes in the car.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not driving you anywhere else.
The show is at 3:45, so we should probably leave by 3:00.
After all, we wouldn't want to be lake. Ooh.
I am on a serious performance high. I cannot go straight home.
- Who's down for some... - Fro-yo?
Aah!
Just when I'd reconciled myself to losing my job,
things started to pick up,
and it looked like I was gonna have to keep it.
So come on down to Ehlert's
before all the deals go racing away!
I'm sorry.
Did I ask for an impression of the world's loneliest cat?
Mr. Ehlert, by any chance, did you promise customers
they could take a ride in an Indy car?
You bet I did.
Do we have an Indy car?
No, we do not.
Just tell 'em it's out on a run and they're next in line.
Mr. Ehlert, you're better than that.
Now you need to get on that radio right now
and tell people we don't have an Indy car.
We're back, sir.
Uh, folks, I need to clear something up.
Uh, we do not have an Indy car.
We got two Indy cars and a hot air balloon!
So come on down, bring the kids,
and take a magical tour over Orson.
Is mom home yet?
Nope. What's up?
Well, I don't have all my intel yet,
but I think Sue may be blackmailing Axl.
Not interested.
But I just saw him making her--
Not another word. I don't want to hear it.
Suit yourself. The candy cigarettes are behind the bread.
I'll take two bubble gum and one mint.
You mean these?
Those are the ones. Come to papa.
What's going on?
What's going on is I don't reward my kids
for ratting each other out, so you're not getting any candy.
Dad, you don't get it.
I give mom information-- She gives me candy.
I give it to the bullies at school--they leave me alone.
There's a whole fragile ecosystem you're messing with.
Look...
Ecosystem.
Brick, let me tell you something.
Tattling is wrong, and it's a weenie thing to do,
and if you keep on doing it,
you're not gonna be very popular.
I'm not very popular now.
That's kind of why I need the candy.
Well, your bribing days are over.
But mom says telling on people is a good thing.
She said any parent who doesn't want to know things
is living in denial.
Really?
You want to know what else she said?
No, actually, I don't.
It's about you.
Don't care.
Pretty juicy.
Still don't care, 'cause it's tattling, and tattling is wrong.
I'm confused.
You're telling me to do one thing,
and mom's telling me to do another.
Who should I listen to?
Well, that depends.
Do you want to be a flying monkey mama's boy snitch?
Or do you want to be a man?
Wow. Mom was right about you.
Still don't care.
Unfortunately, things didn't get any easier for Axl,
not with a sister drunk with power.
Good afternoon, jeeves.
So where do you guys want to go today?
- Fro-yo! - Mall.
Movies! We can do all three!
Yep, she really pushed it.
- I'm late for my voice lesson. - Hit it.
Then she pushed it some more.
Arcade, please.
Who are you?
Some girl in my science class
said you'd take me wherever I wanted to go.
If you say, "no," she said to say, "lake."
Hello?
Hi. It's me. It's crazy here, so I can't leave.
It looks like you're gonna have to go to Brick's Parent Night.
Parent Night?
Really? Come on. It's everything I don't like.
It's parents, it's night, it's not in our living room...
Hey, it's not like I'm out
sucking down margaritas with the girls.
I'm trying to sell 500 cars, and so far we've only sold 4...
Hundred. Yeah, they're going like hotcakes.
Now listen. They put out
the volunteer sign-up sheets
after the teacher's speech,
so make sure you sign us up for something good.
I'm not scraping gum another year.
Don't worry, Frankie. I think I can
sign a clipboard.
I'm not paying you to yap on the phone, chatty.
Now make me another hot dog.
Double relish.
Brick.
Get your coat. We gotta go to your school.
No, thanks. I've got a pop-tart in the toaster.
That wasn't a question.
You know, I'd let you stay here alone, but I'm afraid
you'd rat me out to mom. Something to think about.
Oh, g--
Looking for these?
Uhh!
Carly's house, please.
No way! I can't take it anymore!
You've stolen my time, my gas, and it'll probably take
a team of scientists to get the loser smell out of my car.
Fine. It's too bad, though,
'cause there's only one more day till your trip to the lake.
Oh, it'd be a shame if you didn't get to go.
Of course I want you to go,
but I just don't think mom and dad will see it that way.
Hello?
How's it going?
Have they put out the sign-up sheet yet?
Where are you sitting?
Uh, I'm at Brick's desk, in the world's tiniest chair.
What? No, no, no. You have to be up front.
That's where the clipboards are gonna be. Move up now.
Okay, okay, relax.
Has the teacher started talking yet?
- Not yet. - Okay, listen.
The minute she stops talking,
you gotta make a beeline for those sign-up sheets
like it's the last chopper out of Vietnam. You got a pen?
Uh, no, but I'm--
Go find a pen right now-- Not a pencil--
A pen.
Excuse me. Do you have a pen I can borrow?
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't.
I need all of them in case one runs out.
Did you find one? Mike? Mike? Mike?!
What?!
Did you find a pen?!
Found a pencil.
Mike!
I mean a pen. I have a pen.
Everything's fine. I got this. Excuse me.
Um, I'm not gonna have any trouble
signing up for volunteering, am I?
Oh, not at all.
There'll be plenty of spaces on every sign-up sheet.
Thank you. Did you hear that? Room mom's not worried at all.
Of course she's not worried, you fool.
She's the room mom! She's in the inner circle.
She probably signed up herself
and five of her friends weeks ago.
Frankie, listen to me.
No. You're done talking. I need you to focus on me
and listen carefully.
Welcome, everyone.
I want to thank you all for coming tonight.
- Mike, are you listening? - I know it's difficult...
You want to be in the front of the classroom...
Because that's where they put out the sign-up sheets. Got it?
Yes.
- Repeat it. - We have a lot to cover tonight...
Front of the classroom. I'm not deaf.
Now listen.
The second Ms. Tibbits stops talking,
you need to make your move. Take those long legs and run.
And don't be polite. Remember that colts game
where you cut in front of that kid and made him cry
so Peyton Manning would sign your football? Channel that guy.
And as soon as you get to the sign-up sheets,
you look for the words "purchase" or "bring" on it.
That means we can shop and dump.
Paper products are best.
And stay away from anything that says "beautify."
That's just a fancy word for cleaning.
And should anyone ask you,
you have no special skills,
nor do you own or know how to use tools. Are you getting this?
I think so.
Are you in the front of the class?
Uh, no. The teacher started talking, so I
stepped in the hall to hear you better.
The hall? Are you nuts?
She could stop talking at any time.
You get back in there. Go, go, go, go,
go, go, g--
Please don't tell on me.
Mr. Ehlert?!
Hey, Axl. Can you pop this tape in?
It's a remix of "Bad Choices,"
our anti-texting-and-driving song.
- ? Looking down to read a text ? - Ooh, can you turn it up a bit?
? you won't see what happens next ?
Actually, can you turn it down a tad?
Aah!
- Up a notch? - You're dead, you're dead...
Down a smidge?
Now can you turn it back on?
Axl. Hello?
Wait. Where are you going?
This is not the way to Carly's house.
Axl. Answer me. W-- Come on!
I wouldn't want to be lake.
Did you hear what I just said? I didn't say "late."
I said "lake," as in the lake you won't be going to.
Hi, mom. It's Axl.
I just wanted to tell you that on Monday,
I snuck out of the house,
and I didn't get home until 1:00 in the morning.
I realize that by violating curfew
and not telling you where I was,
I have lost my chance to go to the lake this weekend.
Get out.
What?
Get out.
Well, you're not gonna get away with this, Axl.
You're gonna be in really big trouble.
I'm already in trouble.
Well, you can't just leave me here alone.
Better start walking.
Don't want to get home too lake!
But what we lack from budget cuts,
we make up for in spirit.
So in conclusion...
I-it's been an honor to teach your children.
And to wrap things up...
I hope that you and your families
will have a lovely rest of the year.
Paper goods. Bingo.
Aah! Damn it.
Can we go now?
Yes, we can, 'cause guess who just bagged
a spot on the paper goods list? Shop and dump, baby.
What kind of paper goods do you have to dump?
Good question. I'll check.
Hey. Where'd my name go?
Who's "Mitch Kellog"?
Oh, hey, that's me. I don't think we've met.
Mike Heck.
If the name sounds familiar,
it's 'cause it's the one you erased to steal my spot.
I'm sorry?
Apology accepted. Brick? Give me an eraser.
Look, I don't know what you're talking about,
but there's plenty of spaces available
on the classroom beautification committee.
Ha. "Beautification." Nice try. Brick.
I didn't erase your name, pal.
Yeah, you did, and you didn't even have
the decency to erase the whole thing.
You stole the "M" from my "Mike" to make your "Mitch."
Sorry, pal. I'm not giving you my spot.
Should have brought a pen.
Brick?
Don't tell your mom what I'm about to do.
Ms. Tibbits? He cheated.
This man right here, Mitch Kellog...
As it turned out,
Ms. Tibbits had the same policy about tattling Mike did,
except she followed through on it.
Every year. Freakin' beautification.
As for Axl, he never did make it to the lake...
And Mike rewarded Sue for not tattling on him...
And then I punished her for it.
Oh!
Axl!
I'm telling.
- Brick! - You kidding me?
I'm not saying our system is perfect.
We're still working out a few kinks.
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