Every marriage has its three classic fights,
and we sure got ours.
We need a new bed.
We don't need a new bed.
Really? We don't? Try to get out.
What?
Right now. Try to get out of bed.
The house is on fire. Go. Go!
Yeah.
Too late. You're dead.
Frankie, we're not getting a new bed.
We just got a new dishwasher.
Oh, you're right.
We should only get one new thing every 20 years.
Seriously, Mike, this bed is a torture rack.
We need a reason to get up in the morning,
and lower back pain is as good as any.
Ohh.
Look, even if we wanted to, we can't afford a new bed.
No, we can. I've thought about it.
We still have the money Aunt Ginny left me.
Do you think she'd want me to just waste it on bills?
That's not what she'd want, Mike.
Knowing aunt Ginny, she'd want you to waste it on booze.
I want a new bed. We need a new bed.
I want to turn our bedroom into a sanctuary.
Ohh! Here we go.
_
listen, I found a really cute bed
at Bedder Beds 4 Less, and it has drawers underneath,
and the headboard has these little lighted cubbyholes
to display our stuff.
We don't need more spaces to shove stuff in.
And what stuff are we talking about anyway?
Like, that old band-aid that's been
on your nightstand since Halloween?
You want to display that?
Hey, I have nice stuff. It just gets lost
in all the crap, so it doesn't look nice.
It's all in the presentation.
It's the Presidential Fitness Challenge
at school this week.
You're not seriously gonna make me suffer
that humiliation again, are you?
Yes.
Look, this is what we're sleeping on.
Just look.
People in crack dens are lying on nicer mattresses.
It's fine. You just gotta flip it.
It doesn't have a third side, does it?
Hey.
Can I ask you guys a question
about yearbook pictures for teams and clubs?
Uh... Why is she talking to us?
I don't know.
I was just asking 'cause I'm a wrestlerette,
and it's so weird...
But we never had our picture taken.
Wrestlerettes? Do we have those?
I don't think so. Uh, what's that?
We cheer and sometimes do light laundry
for the wrestling team.
There's a wrestling team? Did you know that, court?
No, but I'll ask around
and see if there is.
There is. We have them, and I cheer for them,
and we were supposed to get our picture in the yearbook.
Look, I don't want to be mean
because we just had the anti-bullying seminar,
but wrestleroos or whatever you just said you are
is not something we really have here.
Sorry.
Well, Sue wasn't the only one having
a rough time at school.
Brick was on day one
of the most dreaded week of his year.
Listen up, men.
The first test
of the Presidential Fitness Challenge is push-ups.
You got one minute.
Go!
Uh, excuse me, Ms. Bratton.
My name is Sue Heck,
and I thought, since you're yearbook advisor,
you might be able to tell me when the wrestlerettes
are getting their picture taken for the yearbook.
Wrestlerettes? Never heard of 'em.
Oh. Well, uh, we're cheerleaders for the wrestling team.
Oh, whatever. It doesn't matter.
It's gone to press.
No. Wait a minute. How could it have gone to press?
I mean, I didn't even get my individual picture taken.
Oh, I'm sorry if I was unclear.
What I meant to say was, "it's gone to press."
No, please. You don't get it.
See, I had this whole thing in junior high
with the yearbook where I never got in,
and now the exact same thing is happening right now, and--
Oh, look, look, you're clearly having
thoughts about things.
Maybe you should talk to the guidance counselor.
Guidance counselor?
We have a guidance counselor?
Oh, looks like you're busy. I can come back.
Cramps-- Nurse has the heating pads.
Early dismissal-- Attendance office.
Bus trouble-- Main office.
Uh, no. Uh, I'm actually looking
for the guidance counselor.
You are?
Uh-huh.
You really came to see me?
Oh, I mean, you're probably booked all day, but--
Well, let me check.
Would you look at that? I think I can squeeze you in.
Oh, come in. Come in.
Sit. Sit.
Oh.
Jane Marsh. Guidance counselor.
Sue Heck. Lost frosh.
So, Sue...
What kind of counseling can I guide you with?
Uh... peer pressure...
Uh... low self-esteem...
Eating too much... Not eating enough...
Sneak eating?
No. No, no, no. None of that.
It's just...
High school is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
Oh. Dyslexia?
No, thank you.
See, it's just I thought it would be a lot different,
so I tried out for a bunch of stuff,
but I never make anything...
So I made my own thing-- Wrestlerettes--
but then the season ended, but it got me this boyfriend,
but then he moved away,
but then we promised to keep our love alive,
and then we didn't,
and now I-I'm not even in the yearbook.
It's like my whole year didn't happen.
It is soul-crushing.
Let me tell you something, Sue.
You may not know to look at me now,
but I know what it's like to feel like you don't exist.
Really?
A bunch of years ago, I was a student here, too,
and nobody knew who I was, either,
and I was the only black kid!
And to make matters worse, I had braces--
Overbite-crossbite.
Me, too!
Oh, well, now it's an underbite-overbite.
They overcorrected.
Oh. Well, here's the thing.
You just gotta hang in there, baby.
Oh, my God.
W-- I totally have that poster in my room.
The one that came with "Believe In Yourself,"
with the--
Sun shining over the water?
- Yeah. - Yes!
That one's in my locker.
Mine's on my mirror.
Listen, your past never has to define you.
Yesterday's gone. Today's almost over, so--
Hang on. Hang on.
I want to write this down.
So who do you want you to be tomorrow?
That, my friend, is totally up to you.
Thank you, Ms. Marsh.
That was really good guidance.
Ohh.
Sue, uh, would you like some, uh,
positive affirmation stickers to take with ya?
Would I?
Bye.
Yeah. Ohh.
This is nice. I barely know you're here.
It's like I'm in bed alone.
Mm. I like that it's not too springy.
He's up and down all night to pee,
and it's hard not to feel
6 1/2 feet of husband getting out of bed, you know?
Frankie.
_
What?
He doesn't need to know everything.
He's a bed expert, Mike.
We have to give him all the facts
so he can help us pick out the right bed.
Jeez, it's like the time you wouldn't tell the doctor about--
Would you please?
He doesn't like change.
We're making the bedroom into a sanctuary.
Yes, that's very popular these days.
See? He doesn't get it.
- Can we not do this here? - What?
Have a whole discussion about our personal life.
Look, we're getting the bed. Can we just get the bed?
- Fine. - Okay then.
- Good. - Great. Now let's get you two out of here.
I'm sure you're busy.
Would you like the extended warranty?
No.
Assembly and delivery for $50 is usual--
No.
Old mattress removal?
Nice try, but no.
Let me save you some time. It's all "no."
This is exactly how he was with the doctor,
and that's why he got the--
Frankie!
Rush.
I made dinner.
Hang on. I'm on hold with the President.
How's the bed looking?
Like it's still in the box.
Sue, pass the chips.
Brick, come on. Dinner.
He's holding for the President.
He thinks he can talk him out of the Fitness Challenge.
Great. I'm being transferred
to the Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.
Tobacco.
I'm just so excited about the sanctuary.
Wait. Isn't a sanctuary where they lock up crazy people?
Yes. Sue, chips.
You may have all noticed I'm not responding to "Sue."
That's because my name is no longer "Sue."
Mike, you wanna take this?
I just feel like my name doesn't really define me
or who I want to be tomorrow,
so that's why I've decided to change my name...
To "Suki."
So you want to be made fun of more?
Think about it.
Of course no teacher is gonna remember someone named "Sue,"
but they're gonna remember "Suki,"
like when they're looking at a sea of names
of who to cast in a play or put on a team.
What name jumps out at you? "Suki"!
You know what? I like it.
Really? Thanks, Axl.
You're welcome, Sucky.
It's "Suki."
- Sorry, Pukey. - Suki!
- Got it, Dooky. - Suki!
That's enough. You're not changing your name.
You're Sue. That's your name.
We put a lot of thought into it.
But Ms. Marsh said I could be whoever I want.
- Who's Ms. Marsh? - The guidance counselor?
I'll give you some guidance.
Don't go to the guidance counselor.
It's lame.
After talking with her,
I honestly believe anything is possible.
Okay, fine. If you really want us to call you "Suki"...
Then that's what we'll do, Suki.
It's a phase.
Hey, so if Sue gets a new name, I think we all should,
so from now on, I want to be called "Rockstar."
Mom can be "Blah-blah-blah,"
and dad can be...
"Dad."
Now, as you may remember, Sue is left-handed,
but Suki is right-handed...
And Suki wears her hair parted on the side.
Also, Suki is never without a pen behind her ear,
because Suki loves to write down all the interesting things
that happen to her throughout the day, mm-hmm,
with her right hand.
Hmm. You know what else Suki does?
Passes the damn chips.
Glad-lay.
That's how Suki says "gladly."
Listen, I've read the constitution,
and nowhere does it give the President
the power to demand push-ups.
What are you bothering the President for, anyway?
Just suck it up and do it.
It's embarrassing.
Come on. It's not that bad.
You already did push-ups. How many did you do?
I'd say about a fourth.
There was a lot of push, but not a lot of up.
You know what the other cool thing is about Suki?
She doesn't sweat the small stuff like Sue.
And then I decided to take a tip from Suki,
and suddenly none of this madness seemed important,
'cause I knew that in just a few short hours,
I'd be relaxing in the comfort of my new sanctuary.
Don't.
So after a couple nights stuck bunking with Sue--
Sorry-- Suki--
I was antsy for Mike to finish our sanctuary.
Damn it.
There's no way that this goes into this!
Please can we just call the 800 number?
We're not doing that.
Why not?
There are friendly customer representatives
standing by to help us right now.
It says so right here.
I know how to put a bed together.
Well, it's been two days. Apparently, you don't.
We're not calling. End of story.
Oh, God. You never...
_
Ask for help. Why? Why won't you ask for help?
Okay. I'm asking for help now.
Hand me the 5/8ths wrench.
This one?
What? The 5/8ths!
Okay. What, this one?
5/8ths.
I heard you! I don't know which one that is!
It's the one on the right. The right.
The right. The right. The right.
I'm dialing. I'm doing it.
I'm doing it right now.
Frankie, hang up that phone.
Nope. You had your chance...
And I am not-- Aah!
Give me that phone!
No! This has gone on long enough!
We don't need anybody else knowing our business!
The wait time is 6 hours and 52 minutes.
You got lucky.
What's this?
Yes. Thank you, Sanjit.
I could use your help.
Well, to give you the backstory,
my husband never wants to buy anything new,
but I got this money from my Aunt Ginny,
and we're trying to turn the bedroom into a sanctuary.
We have three kids, and it gets a little hectic around here.
What are you so worried about?
It's a pull-up.
Axl, what you and the President fail to understand
is that everyone's gonna laugh at me.
Dude, you can do it. You weigh, like, 3 pounds.
It's all physics. Here. Watch and learn.
Think people are gonna laugh at you when you do this?
Ow! Ow!
Oh, God! No! Open the door!
Open the door! Brick! Brick! Aah!
Despite all the differences between Sue and Suki,
they had one glaring similarity.
They were both Sue.
Excuse me, Ms. Lambert.
Um, if you don't mind, from now on,
I would like to be called "Suki."
Well, of course. Class, I'd like to introduce
our new foreign exchange student Suki.
No. I'm not--
Take a seat. That desk over there is free.
I know.
It's free 'cause I just got out of it to come talk to you.
Your English is very good, Suki.
We look forward to learning about your country.
Uh, hi.
I just wanted to let you guys know
that from now on, you can call me "Suki."
I'm sorry. What? You have Suki?
Oh, my God. I've heard of that.
It's a disease you get
from hanging out with pigs or birds.
No. No, no, no. Uh, I--
I'm sorry. We're cheerleaders,
and people count on us to look good,
so we cannot afford to get sick.
Oh, but--
- Did she touch you? - But--
- Maybe we should go to the nurse. - Yeah.
Attention, students.
There has been a reported case of Suki at our school.
For precautionary measures, all students are advised
to wash their hands thoroughly and not to share food.
Thank you.
Hi, Sue.
Hi, Ms. Marsh.
I'm so confused.
I tried what you said about being whoever I wanted to be.
I changed my name to Suki. I changed my hair.
I wrote right-handed,
but it only made things worse.
I went from being invisible
to being mistaken for an Asian flu.
Sue, I never meant for you to change who you are.
Look, I don't expect you to get it.
You're, like, this big-time guidance counselor.
You think I got nothing to worry about?
My office is in the basement.
No one knows I'm here, not even the other teachers,
and my parking space--
It's labeled "Guid Coun/Visitor,"
and if there's a visitor,
I'm parking on the street...
But that's just life, Sue.
Me and you-- We rise above it,
and do you know why I don't worry about you?
Why?
Because you're unique.
I am?
'Cause, you know, I always thought so,
but it seems like other people aren't really catchin' on.
High school is just not designed for unique people, Sue.
I was starting to suspect that.
Well, okay.
You know, maybe I'll be in the yearbook next year.
You really care that much about being in the yearbook?
I really do.
Then let's go put a boot
in someone's... behind...
and get it done.
Oh.
Are you excited?
I'm excited it's done.
Mm-hmm.
Ready? Yeah.
Ohh.
Ow.
Ohh.
I love it.
You don't love it. Your head's in a box.
Well...
I-I don't think you put it together right.
Hey, I put it together right.
I put it together right twice.
Did you? Well, we'll never know,
'cause you wouldn't ask Sanjit for help.
I told you, I don't need help.
Ow! Admit it, Frankie. This bed is dumb.
We should have kept the old one.
Well, I'm sorry for trying to improve our lives
and turn our bedroom into a sanctuary.
"Sanctuary"? Do you know where you live?
That word took one look at our house and ran.
You always do this, Mike.
I try to change the slightest thing,
and you go nuts, like when I switched ketchups.
It's just ketchup!
The old ketchup was good.
I was happy, something you'll never be...
Because you're never satisfied...
And you're always running around changing stuff.
You know, when I told Nancy Donahue
that you didn't want to get a new bed--
Why are you telling Nancy Donahue anything?
Because she's my friend. If it were up to you,
no one would know anything personal about us.
That's why they call it "personal"!
But this is what you do. You do this all the time.
What?!
This. "I have to have a sanctuary."
"Stringing beads is gonna change my life."
"We need a new church."
"A foreign exchange student is gonna bring us closer together."
"We need to yell at the kids less."
"We need to yell at the kids more!"
You got a million plans to make things better, Frankie,
but they don't.
Open your eyes, woman. It's not getting any better!
This is it!
Well, at least I'm trying, and do I get any support? No.
Okay, pat.
You son of a...
_
I didn't say there were only three fights,
just three classic ones.
There are lots of lots of other fights,
and now that the box was open,
Mike and I were gonna have them all.
Oh, my gosh. Mr. Farrar smokes?
I'm sorry, but the teacher's lounge
is for faculty only.
I am faculty.
I don't think so.
Oh, are you that new driver's ed teacher?
I'm Jane Marsh, guidance counselor.
Oh, we have one of those?
Yes, we do.
I bring lemon bars every Monday morning,
and I put them right there with a little note
that says to everyone, "Have a good week."
No, I'm pretty sure Barbara makes the lemon bars.
Oh, yeah.
Doesn't Barbara bring the lemon bars?
- Yeah, that's Barbara. - Oh, yeah.
Ms. Bratton, I want to talk to you
about the yearbook photos and this young girl--
Uh, oh, you know, I'm sorry,
but, uh, we're just getting ready
to celebrate Colleen's birthday...
- Yeah. - The new algebra sub.
Are you kidding me? The sub gets a birthday cake?
I've been here 17 years.
I never got a cake.
Who are you again?
I'm the guidance counselor!
And just because I'm only here
on Tuesdays and Thursdays due to budget cutbacks
does not mean I'm not an important part
of this school's community,
so from now on, I demand respect.
I want a bigger, closer parking spot
that has my name on it,
and I want a cake for my birthday,
which happens to be November 13th, just FYI,
and I want all of you to start learning my name,
because down at the bottom of that spooky old basement hallway
sits a woman, and her name is Jane Marsh!
Wow. That felt really good.
Oh. Right. You.
And this girl is going to be in the yearbook.
It's gone to press.
Then un-press it.
Yep, the world could ignore one Sue Heck, but not two.
I guess the point is, you can't change who you are,
just like I can't change Mike and he can't change me,
so I don't know why we've spent all these years trying.
Maybe 'cause marriage is long, and if you didn't fight,
you really would run out of things to talk about.
And then there are those in our family
who embrace change,
and as far as Brick,
well, he didn't get a presidential pardon,
but he learned something from his challenge after all--
That there's a difference
between getting laughed at and getting a laugh.
Okay.
Everyone get ready to count to a hundred.
And Sue got in the yearbook after all,
as Sue Heck, not Suki.
Aah! We did it!
And I got my very own page.
I want to see. Let me see.
Turns out, they always reserve a page
just in case somebody dies.
No one did.
They said they'd change the copy,
but in their defense,
the book had already gone to press.
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