The new year -- celebrating a fresh start for
people all over the world.
Five...
Four...
Three...
Two..
One... this year already sucks.
Happy new year!
Ohh.
Mike?
Mike.
Hey, we made it this year.
Well, don't flatter yourself.
You've been snoring since London.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
You can't all just go to bed.
It's the start of a brand-new year.
Come on, you know the drill.
We at least have to do the resolutions.
Not the resolutions.
I've got, like, 15 great ones.
Frankie, we really gonna go through this charade again?
Why don't you just donate 100 bucks to curves and call it a day?
Dad's right.
Every year, you make us say all this stupid stuff we're gonna
do, and none of us ever do it.
Wow!
Are we really so lazy that none of us can think of a single
thing we can improve on?
Sorry, mom.
I don't need to do anything better.
I can think of a lot of things the rest of you need to do better, though.
Hey, I think axl's on to something.
Oh, brother.
We all know we never stick to our own resolutions, but
what about if we picked one for each other?
Ohh, this is turning into a whole thing.
No, this is good.
It's good.
We'll secretly pull names out of a hat, and then you write a
resolution for whoever you got.
So... what do we get if we do it?
If we do this, even just for one week, dad and I...
Will take everyone to king Henry's all-you-can-eat smorgasbord at the mall.
Hmm.
Ho ho ho.
Okay.
Who wants to go -- I'll go.
"Stop being a pig, and clean that filth hole you call a room."
Oh.
Very clever, mom.
I get it.
This is just a scam to get us all to do the things you're too
lazy to do yourself.
It may be mine.
It may not be mine.
You don't know.
Go, brick.
Okay.
"Stop reading all the time."
I'm out.
Brick, once you read a book, it's done, but you could go
back to the spud bar as many times as you want.
How about this?
I'll stop reading, and brick can clean my room.
No switching.
Okay.
It's my turn.
I'm so excited.
Drum roll, please.
It's 1:00 in the morning, sue.
Just read it.
"Stop trying out for things you'll never make."
Axl!
It may be mine.
It may not be mine.
You don't know.
We said, no mean resolutions.
Mom, I want a new non-mean, non-axl resolution.
Nobody gets a new one.
Whoever gave it to you... Just thinks maybe you should take a little break.
Mm?
Mike, you're up.
"Smile more."
This is just dumb.
Who wrote this?
Who thinks I need to smile more?
What are you talking about?
I smile.
I smile all the time.
Mm, no, you don't.
You scowl.
I scowl?
And sometimes sneer.
Fine.
So I'm not going around grinning like a chimp.
When I choose to smile, you know I mean it.
Hey, you scowl.
How come you're allowed to scowl and I'm not?
I'm little.
I can get away with it.
Big, giant, scowling, scary man -- not so much.
Big, giant, smiling, scary man -- delightful.
Okay.
Shh.
My turn.
"Spend more time with brick."
Ohh, wow.
Well, I get the best resolution of all of them.
Oh, this is great.
Yay!
I'm a bad mom, Mike, a bad, bad mom.
Okay, it's 2:30.
Just tell me what you need to hear.
My own son couldn't even tell me he needed me.
He had to write it in a resolution and he's right.
He's the third kid.
He totally got the shaft.
You know, when I had axl, I didn't even work that whole
first year, and with sue, I took, like, three months off,
but with brick, I only took a week
and technically, that was to raise the fergusons' baby.
It's true.
He didn't even get a day, not one day.
It's just that he's so quiet, you know?
Makes him easy to ignore.
I've always considered that one of his better qualities.
I'm serious, Mike.
What do we really know about him?
With axl, I know that he won't eat bread ends, that he loves
the color green, and sue could live off of potato chips, and
she loves any shampoo that smells like peach, but with
brick, I know he likes to read.
That's it.
Do I know what his favourite color is?
No.
I'm a lazy mother, Mike.
A lazy, lazy mother.
You really think I don't smile?
The new year brings resolutions and sometimes even revelations.
Mom?
Dad?
Guess what?
Brad has huge news.
I'm a wrestler!
Ohh!
Ohh.
You gonna wear that around all the time?
Good one, Mr. heck.
I wanted to wear this out today 'cause we just got our costumes.
I'd go with "uniforms."
Check out these moves.
Go ahead, Mr. heck.
Try and tip me over.
I'm good.
Is it okay if we go into my rooo?
I'd actually prefer it.
Mine... mine... yours.
Hey!
Are you nuts?
I'm in detox.
You can't throw an open book in my face.
Chill out.
You chill out!
I haven't read in ten hours.
I didn't even get to read in school today.
Knock knock.
What?
Hey, brick.
I know I've been busy, but guess what?
There's ants in the dishwasher hole.
You want to come help me put down some traps?
Yeah, I think I'll pass.
Oh, come on.
You and me, pal.
Watching 'em all march to their death together?
If that's not a mother-son bonding activity, I don't know what is.
And I hate it when people say, "knock knock."
It's irritating.
Just knock or don't knock.
I just don't get it.
Why would someone in my family not want me to go out for things?
It doesn't make any sense.
These straps are really digging into my shoulders.
Oh!
I'm gonna bring it up at the next rehearsal.
Unless... wait a minute.
Maybe what they're saying is that I've been trying too hard
to do other people's things, and that I should do my own thing.
Of course.
It's a riddle!
"Stop trying out for things you'll never make."
Instead, "make your own opportunities."
I can't believe I ever looked at this negatively.
I could start my own club!
Brilliant.
Oh, my God.
Brad.
Does anyone cheer for you guys during your meets?
No, it smells pretty bad in there.
Well, then I am just gonna have to convince your coach
that you need wrestlerettes.
"Why there should be wrestlerettes -- reason number one
if there weren't supposed to be wrestling cheerleaders
why would pin rhyme with win?
Coach lazovick?
My name is sue heck, I'm a frosh here at Orson high school,
and I think the wrestling team should have cheerleaders.
"Reason number --"
okay.
Really?
You don't want to hear any one of my reasons?
I have over 200.
Nope.
Oh.
Okay.
But so you know, I do have one day of cheerleading experience, so I'm legit.
Also, full disclosure -- I had a prior romantic relationship
with one of your athletes.
Who?
Brad bottig.
Really?
First meet's Friday.
No uniforms, no budget.
I won't let you down.
That wouldn't be possible.
And, Dave, you and Jim are on the earthmovers, so just work
the west berm until they fix that drainage problem, okay?
Yep.
You got it, boss.
Oh, oh, and hey, guys.
Thanks.
I'm out.
I'm not smiling anymore.
I tried it.
It was weird.
Dad, you had the easiest one.
I am starting a whole new club at school, axl is cleaning his
room, mom is hanging out with brick.
Damn it.
Brick!
What now?!
Come on, dad.
Please?
Show-off.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Bam!
You owe me a giant cookie.
What are you talking about?
Whenever we'd pass by Mrs. gooch's in the mall, I'd ask for a giant cookie, and
you'd always say, "if you get an 'a' on a report card, we'll get you a cookie."
Well, in fifth grade English, I was one paper away from an "a"
-- this paper.
If I had turned it in, I would have gotten an "a."
I want my cookie.
But you didn't turn it in.
I'm just saying, I never worked so hard on anything in my life.
This is the best thing I ever wrote.
"Fire trucks and why they're awesome."
Damn straight.
I did it.
I earned the "a."
I earned my cookie.
Yeah, but you didn't get an "a" on your report card.
You got a "b."
But if I had turned it in, I would have gotten an "a."
And you would have gotten a cookie
okay.
You know why fire trucks are awesome?
'Cause when they promise to put out a fire, they do it.
So unless the next words out of your mouth is, "here's a giant
cookie, axl," this conversation is over!
So axl's resolution may not have amounted to much, but sue
had found her calling.
I'm sue heck, captain and head wrestlerette.
Now I have to warn you girls right up front, you're not all
gonna make the squad.
As many as one of you won't, and, weird ash -- I mean,
Ashley -- just because you went to prom with my brother doesn't
mean you're getting special treatment.
Remember, we represent the team, we represent the school, we represent America.
Now if you make the squad, you'll be getting a call from me
tomorrow by 6:00 P.M., and I know what it's like to wait by the phone.
You know what?
I'll call by 5:30.
I'm three days bookless, but I'm doing good, mom.
How are you doing with your resolution?
Uh, I'm going into the laundry room now.
You wanna come?
I'll let you scoop the powder.
Scoop the powder?
All right, mom.
I'm gonna give you one more shot.
I don't have school on Friday, so we can spend the whole day together then.
Oh, shoot.
I would so love that, but I gotta work on Friday.
Okay.
Arlo's mom is taking him to laser tag, so maybe I'll just
go with him, spend the day with his mom.
What?
I mean, come on.
Anybody can go to laser tag.
You know what would be really fun?
Coming to work with me.
You can hang out and see what I do and why I'm so tired all the time
you do seem overly tired for a woman your age.
Ugh!
This is just so hard.
I've never been on the other side before it's like, Mary has a super
loud clap, Becky has the "it"
factor, Ruth can sort of do a cartwheel, and weird Ashley has
a car for away meets.
I just had no idea the talent pool would be so deep.
What am I gonna do?
Congratulations.
Everybody made it.
Wait.
Where's Mary?
Oh, she didn't want to do it.
What?
Why?
Okay.
Well, you know what?
That's okay.
It was only supposed to be four of us anyway.
Now we have a lot to do.
I'veriritten up some cheers, so let's get started.
So we're gonna practice now?
Yes.
We have a meet on Friday.
We've never practiced before.
We're gonna need to.
I guess this is more of a time commitment than I expected.
I watch "phineas and ferb."
Every day?
I never miss it.
I like "phineas and ferb."
See that?
You both like "phineas and ferb this is a team.
We are gellin'.
Wanna come over and watch?
Sure.
Yeah, guess we're not gonna be on the team, either.
Hey.
Wait.
Come on.
You have to stay.
The wrestlers are counting on us.
It's okay.
We can make it work.
I was waiting for the right time to tell you.
I can't be on the team.
My religion prevents me from wearing short skirts.
And you think this is the right time?
Oh, good.
You're still alive.
What are you doing?
Well, this might sound a little crazy, but, uh, I never
turned in this English paper, and it cost me an "a" in your class, so...
I'm sorry.
In case you hadn't noticed, now is not a good time.
Uh, look, Mrs. colavita...
I've never got an "a" on a report card that wasn't p.E., ever.
If I could do this, it could be a turning point in my life.
So if you could just sign a form or something saying I
turned the paper in, I can...
Not so fast.
In order for me to give you an "a" in the class, you need to
get an "a" on this paper.
Now... you handed it in six years late, so I should probably deduct...
A point a year seems fair, so you're down to 94.
Missed comma -- 93, incomplete sentence -- 92, no paragraph indent... well...
You misspelled "there."
I did?
Axl.
You're in high school now.
Have you finally learned the different spellings of "there,"
"their," and "they're?"
I can almost guarantee it.
Great.
"I really enjoyed seeing all the fire trucks there."
Spell "there."
Heh.
Uh...
T-h-e...
I...
Know that's not right.
Uh, t-h-e... y...
Am I saying that when I know it's wrong?
Is it one of those silent letters, like in "psycho?"
Uh, p-t-h... e...
Uh...
Okay, I knew the car dealership was completely lame, but I was desperate.
Turns out I didn't have to worry about brick.
Without a book in his face, he was like a blind man seeing the
world for the first time.
The chair took up two hours, and things just got better from there.
So what happens when you have to go to the bathroom?
I just go.
You don't have to raise your hand?
Nope.
Whoa.
Did you know you have the coolest job?
Well, Mr. ehlert's not here today.
Some days are better than others.
But this has been a really good day, brick.
So have you had enough of this one?
Can I interest you in a new model, sir?
Maybe a sensible sedan?
No, I'm comfortable here.
Besides, it's yellow.
It's my favourite color.
I'm sorry to bother you at home, but this is a spirit emergency.
The first wrestling meet of the season is about to start, and
the Orson high wrestlerettes need to bring it, bui I can't bring it alone.
I need my girls to bring it with me.
What do you say?
"Phineas and ferb" is on.
Okay, well, what if, just on the days we have meets, you
record "phineas and ferb" and watch it when you get home?
I really thought axl would be around.
Oh.
Well... we can hold practices at my house, and I know axl's schedule
really well, so we'll definitely be bumping into him a lot.
I'll grab my cape.
Yeah!
Who would have guessed it?
Yes!
Once we stopped picking our own new year's resolutions, our
resolutions actually worked.
Sue went from anonymous nobody to anonymous head wrestlerette.
We're gonna get the pin!
We're gonna get the win!
Go, thundering hens!
Whoo!
Axl became, however briefly, an "a" student.
Bam.
Check it out.
Got an "a" in fifth grade English.
Ooh.
You really bothered your old teacher about this?
Yep, and she changed my grade.
I mean, it was after the fact, so it's posthumousofof course, but still...
I got the bod.
I got the hair.
Now I got the brains.
I'm an "a" student, "a" as in "ax-cellent."
Ha.
See what I did there?
T-h-e-r-e.
Ooh.
Hey, where you been?
I'll tell you where I'v been.
I went to the bank, and what should have taken 2 minutes
took 20 because I smiled at the teller, whose name is Tina, by the way.
She's a grandmother, and she has a dog, and she likes tuna fish without mayo.
This is why I don't smile at people -- because it's just an
invitation into boring people's lives.
Now I have to learn how to use the a.T.M.
Okay, so Mike was still a work in progress.
How was your day?
Mm.
It was the best, Mike -- the best.
Brick and I spent the whole day at ehlert's just hanging and
laughing and talking, and the coolest part is that I really
think brick got how much he means to me and that he's not
the forgotten third kid, you know?
Oh, and his favourite color's yellow, by the way, and the
reason he rolls up his pyjama bottoms is 'cause he's worried
he's gonna trip in his dreams.
Glad you guys had fun.
Where is he?
Brick.
Oh, my God.
I left him at work.
You forgot brick.
You took our son to work and left him there.
Look, I'm not used to driving home with ybybody, okay?
I did what I always do.
I punched out, I stuffed two rolls of toilet paper in my
purse, and I got out of there.
Oh, crap.
Crap, crap, crap.
Damn it.
I told you to let me drive.
I told you to watch out for cops.
Going a little fast there.
T-h-e-r-e!
Ow.
I-I'm really sorry, but I'm trying to get to my son.
The thing is, I don't spend any time with him, and then I did,
and then I left him, and now he's alone, and he could be
lost or freezing, and it's all because we were trying to get
him to stop reading.
Do I need to call social services here?
No, that's okay.
We're already in the system.
No, I mean, it wasn't anything big, just me hitting him with a beer bottle.
But I didn't really, see?
It was trash day.
Excuse me.
Officer?
Maybe I can clear things up.
Brick!
I see him!
Brick?!
Mom!
Yoyou're back!
Of course I'm back.
You didn't think I wouldn't come back for you, did you?
Well, I didn't think you would leave me in the first
place, so clearly, I'm not that good of a judge.
Oh.
I'm so, so sorry.
I will make this up to you.
If she promises you a giant cookie, get it up front.
Here, brick.
Take my atat.
I'm okay.
Brick, why didn't you run next door to the ammo barn and call me?
Well, at first, ihohought since we were having such a good
day, that you snuck out to buy me a present, and then after a
couple hours, I realized that yoyou probab j just flaked and forgot about me.
See?
He knows me so well now.
So like I was saying, despite all the grumbling, our new year's resolutions
this year, had actually worked and it was time to reward ourselves.
Ohh, where'd you get that ?
At the Chinese bar back behind the bathroom.
Oh, I missed it.
I'm gonna get that next
but right now I have 3 balls of clam chowder to get through.
You know, that's the sound of a good restaurant, when they do a lot of things well.
Well, I just want to thank brick for giving me my best resolution ever.
I love spending time with you, even if it did go horribly, horribly wrong.
Oh, I didn't give you that resolution.
I did.
Got mom off my back and onto yours.
Killed two nerds with one stone.
Wait, so if you wrote brick's, then who told me not to try out for stuff?
Thanks for believing in me, dad.
I had axl.
Our room was disgusting.
I had brick.
Wait, then who had dad?
He has a nice smile.
Okay, now you got, like, eight different kinds of food in your teeth.
Well, I'm proud of us.
We stuck to our resolutions, and from here on out, it's just gonna get better.
I feel it.
2012 is gonna be the year of the hecks.
I know what you're thinking, but that's not our car.
That's our car.
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