Nothing brings people together like a race.
The Kentucky Derby...
the Tour de France...
and in Orson, Indiana...
The Birchwood 5 00.
Big bad Mike's going all the way!
Wow, Frankie. Mike's looking awful good out there.
I know. Of course, if Jack Meenahan was here, he wouldn't stand a chance.
Where are they? They never miss a block party.
Oh, you didn't hear?
The Meenahans got foreclosed on and moved out in the middle of the night.
Are you serious?
Sally told me they were just visiting family.
They are now.
I heard the Johnsons are on the verge of visiting family too.
Oh, no.
Then I looked around and realized a lot of our neighbors were gone.
We had hot dogs but no buns...
drinks but no cups...
macaroni and cheese with no forks.
Man, this party blows.
Only thing good about it is the no-forks thing.
I gotta bounce in a minute. Ahem. Spanish test Tuesday. I gotta study.
Crap. There's a test Tuesday?
How are we supposed to know? She writes everything in Spanish.
Guess I'm gonna be sick that day.
Wait. How do you know that?
I know it, Darrin, because I'm gonna pretend to be sick.
You can't. That's Jack's party.
Your parents will never let you go to a party after you miss school.
Sure they will. Because I'm gonna do the sick, not sick.
Gotta lay groundwork. The night before the test...
I'll be too sick to go to the Hoosier game.
Hey, since Axl's gonna be sick...
- can I go with you? - There is no game, Darrin.
I'll pretend there's a game, then pretend to be too sick for it...
and too sick the next day...
to go to school and take the test. Because I'm young and awesome...
I speedily recover in time for Jack's party.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah. It's just a little tickle.
Like taking candy from an old baby.
Sound trumpets! Let our bloody colors wave!
And either victory, or else a grave.
About a week ago, Brick discovered...
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare.
We didn't always know what he was saying...
but it was a cool party trick.
Hey, you got one with trees in it?
Thy huntress' name that my full life doth sway.
O Rosalind! These trees shall be my books.
- Weird, right? - Yeah.
Rain.
Too easy if you pick the category yourself, Brick.
No. Rain, Dad. It's raining.
Frankie? Rain!
Axl, Sue, rain!
Okay. Why were we panicked over a little rain?
I'll get the bowls. You get the pots and pans.
You go right, I'll go left.
I knew I should have saved those margarine containers.
The sky, it seems, would pour down stinking pitch...
Not now, Brick. Go, go, go!
- They're in the hall too. - Brick, go to the living room.
Screw the family photos. Cover the TV. You know this.
- Oh, right! - Remote!
Got it.
Good job, everybody.
I think we shaved some time off the last rain.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
We have to get a new roof.
Good idea. I'll go dig up the gold bars we buried in the backyard.
What about our emergency fund?
It went toward paying off Brick's cavity.
But they whose guilt within their bosoms lie
Imagine every eye beholds their blame.
Brick, that was cute at the block party...
- but we'd all had a lot of beers. - Brad, stop!
Just because you're captain of the freshman football team...
doesn't make you invincible!
How bad is our football team?
Chillax, woman. I can drive if I want.
But you're drunk, Brad. You're stinking drunk!
Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Heck. I am not drunk.
What you just saw is a simulation...
of something going on in high schools all over the country.
And maybe even Europe.
It's all a part of our skit.
Brad and I are Team Sober Non-Texting and Driving Ambassadors.
We were specially chosen out of the entire school.
And we're still looking for volunteers to perform an educational skit...
during Don't Be Scared, Be Aware Week.
We get to write, direct and perform in front of the whole student body.
Everyone is counting on us.
Axl.
You don't sound too good.
I don't feel too good.
I was supposed to go to that Hoosier game with Sean tonight.
I should call him and tell him I can't go.
Whoa, you are sick.
Just go get into bed. We'll bring you something in there.
We don't need you hacking over our food.
Okay.
The way you sound, you might have to miss school tomorrow.
No, I have to go. I have a test tomorrow.
I've been studying and everything.
You'll just have to make it up, Axl. If you're sick, you're sick.
- You think he's faking? - No, he was coughing at the block party.
- Hey, you're up. - I'm actually feeling a little better.
I wish I could figure out what to do about this party tonight.
You're sick, Axl. You're not going to any party.
I know. I don't even wanna go. It's just, it's a surprise party for Jack...
and his mom wanted me to keep him busy at Joe's Subs till it's time...
but I guess I can just call Darrin and have him do it.
You can't count on Darrin. He's an idiot.
- Crap. What time is the party? - 6:30.
That's in 20 minutes, Axl.
You've been home all day and you're just now dealing with this?
- Did you even call his mom? - I've been sick!
Well, you don't look bad now.
You made the commitment, so you're just gonna have to suck it up...
and go to the party. Here, take some gas money.
- I don't need it. - Take it. Go.
What?
Sick at school and then a party that night.
Who could be this awesome? Funny you should "Ax."
- You are my god. - Nicely done.
But what are you gonna do about tomorrow?
We only took the written test today. Tomorrow's the oral exam.
What? Oh, okay, okay. Let's see.
Well, looks like I'm gonna have to be sick again.
I'm just gonna have to do the sick, not sick, sick.
- But we have a game tomorrow. - Let me finish.
I mean the sick, not sick, sick, not sick. Ha!
God.
Yes.
Look at this.
"Betty Robinson, 97, killed after driving off bridge."
Oh, God, that's horrible!
Do we know her?
No, we don't. But she was texting and driving.
Brad and I became Teen Sober...
Non-Texting and Driving Ambassadors just in time.
Well, not just in time.
Huh.
Think it just fixed itself?
Mike, get in here!
- Sue, get some towels! - Right!
What did you do?
Oh, I don't know, I just got bored and decided to flood the house!
I didn't do anything.
- Can you turn it off? - I'm trying. Quit stepping on my leg!
Towels are still wet from the leaky roof!
- Go get the laundry! - Right.
I'd burn this place down if it wasn't flooded.
- Axl, help! - God, I will, just give me a minute!
- In case you haven't noticed, I'm sick. - Look at him. You knew he was sick.
And you sent him to the party.
Yeah, let's stop everything and have that conversation!
Axl, forget about school.
Just go back to bed.
The water is headed for the TV!
Build a dam, hurry!
Oh, woe is me.
To have seen what I have seen, see what I...
Eh. Even Shakespeare never got this tragic.
I just don't know what we're gonna do, Bob.
We're busting our butts to pay the mortgage on a house...
that is obviously trying to kill us.
You know the girl that cuts my hair? Brooke, down at the Barber College?
Six bucks.
I hate to see her graduate. She really knows my head.
- This going anywhere, Bob? - Anyway...
her dad got laid off.
So they had to move out of the house.
So they rented an apartment at Hickory Arms.
The cheese and sausage place?
- No, that's Farms. This is Arms. - Oh.
So they weren't thrilled about downsizing, but you know what?
They pay less than they did before. And they love it.
- An apartment, really? I don't know. - Frankie, think about it.
Why are you throwing money at that house?
If something breaks at Hickory Arms, you call the manager, it's fixed.
Ooh. Fixed sounds so nice.
Oh, it is. That's why I rent. No, that's why my mom rents.
I don't, uh...
I chip in when I can. Because, you know, I'm not a mooch.
Oh. Yeah.
Ahem. Hello?
- Yo, Sean. What up? - Get this.
Coach said if you're not at school...
- you're not playing tonight. - What?
- What's he doing? Tell him I'm here. - Darrin's here.
Look, dude, it's over. Just come to school.
No one can do the sick, not sick, sick...
- not sick, not sick. - Right.
I may not be able to do that.
But I can do sick, not sick, sick, not sick...
Jewish holiday. Ha!
Schmula. It's our sacred day of remembrance.
You're Jewish?
I don't think it's legal for you to ask me that.
Okay. Then why does being Jewish preclude you from taking the test?
If I get what "preclude" means...
Schmula is our day of silence in honor of the harvest.
In that case, Señor Heck, I'd be willing to come in on Saturday.
You can make up the test then.
Thank you for accommodating me. Unfortunately, I have to go to a funeral.
I'm sorry to hear that. Who died?
My aunt. Her name was Betty Robinson.
She was 97. She went off a bridge.
It's right there in the paper. You can look it up.
Oh, my gosh, Axl. I'm so sorry.
She shouldn't have been texting.
Her last one was "Record Matlock."
She'll never see that episode a fourth time.
Look. Don't you worry about the test. You take care of you.
Dad! Stop! What are you doing?
Getting a beer.
I'm pretty sure you've seen me do this before.
I know you're stressed...
but you don't have to medicate with alcohol.
Look around. I think I do.
You can find other outlets.
Like herbal tea, yoga, petting a dog...
or better yet, come watch Brad and me do our skit.
This is near the end, where we're dead teenagers...
who finally realize the error of their ways.
Got it.
Two, three, four.
LOL plus C-A-R equals DOA
All the things we could have done
Now we won't do none Because we made
Bad, bad choices
You can't text your friends from heaven
Not Jill, not Steve, not Kevin
Because you're
Dead, you're dead You're dead
You're dead, you're dead, you're dead You're dead
Very moving. Lots to like.
But you haven't seen the end.
I've seen enough. You got through to me.
I'm gonna go in the kitchen and dump this out while you two stay here.
- Don't go in the family room. - Mike.
I had a very interesting conversation with Bob today.
I find that hard to believe, but, okay.
His hairdresser's parents were in a similar boat with their house.
No pun intended.
They just packed it in and moved into an apartment at Hickory Arms.
The cheese and sausage place?
No, that's Farms. This is Arms.
- What are we talking about here? - I don't know.
I'm just wondering if maybe there's other options out there.
I mean, we need a new roof.
But we can't pay for a new roof and still make our mortgage.
Look at us. We're above and below water at the same time.
Wait. Are you talking about walking away from our house?
Maybe. I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm just thinking out loud.
Frankie, that's not how it works.
You struggle for years and fall behind on your payments...
until you get evicted by the sheriff who throws all your stuff on the lawn...
in front of the neighbors. That's how you leave a house in America.
Mike. Remember when Sue saved that bird?
And she fed it all that cheese even though I told her not to?
And when she opened the cage...
to set it free, it just stood there looking stupid...
because it was too full of cheese?
Is that us, Mike?
Are we so full of cheese...
we don't recognize an open door when we see it?
I'm just saying...
it doesn't hurt to look. We're just looking, okay?
Join me.
Cage... is...
open.
Can't hurt to look.
Can't believe that in the middle of the most important skit of my life...
you are creating so much upheaval.
Nobody's doing any upheaving. We're just exploring, okay?
'Tis better to bear the ills we have than fly to others that we know not of.
Know not of.
Okay, whisper or Masterpiece Theater, Brick.
- You can't do both. - Ahem.
- Are you getting sick again? - No, I'm done.
I mean, maybe.
You never know with this bogus moving stuff going on.
Okay, look.
Nobody's moving anywhere unless we all agree, okay?
We're a family and we all get a vote.
Besides, we're just looking. It means nothing.
Oh, my God!
Hi, I'm Debbie.
- Hello. - Hi.
The assistant manager.
Welcome to Hickory Arms.
Wow, it's so big.
Well, it's a 3-bedroom, 2-bath unit. Open concept...
with fabulous 9-foot ceilings.
Oh! Look how dry they are.
Ooh, Mike. New carpet!
And your hand stays clean.
You do realize this isn't our furniture, right?
Once we move our crappy stuff in here it's just gonna look like our house.
Guys, what did I say?
We're just looking. Everybody gets a vote.
And the kitchen is newly renovated with tons of upgrades.
Granite counters, Energy Star appliances.
So your utility bills will be nice and low.
Did you hear that? Low utility bills.
I heard. I'm closer to her than you are.
Oh, my God. Are those what I think they are?
Dimmers!
The only way our lights dim...
is when we turn on the microwave and the toaster at the same time.
Axl? Do something.
Mom's really liking this place. I don't wanna move!
Don't worry. Dad doesn't like it, it's not happening.
We once looked at a sandwich shop because Mom thought she could run it.
I don't know if you noticed...
but the sliding glass doors lead out onto your own private deck.
Oh! Oh, ooh!
Look, Mike. Can you believe it? One finger! Ha-ha-ha.
- I could do this all day. - But none of our friends live near here.
Hey, you know what?
We have a teen club where a lot of the teens who live in the complex hang out.
Did you hear that? Teen club. Wow!
Along with a fitness center...
use of the communal barbeque and year-round maintenance...
so you'll never have to pick up a rake or a shovel again.
It's all part of the Hickory Arms lifestyle.
Ooh, a lifestyle. I've always wanted one of those.
Well, if you're interested...
I'd fill out one of these. These units are going very fast.
Mike?
- Oh, my God. - I can't believe...
I cannot believe you're actually thinking about doing this.
We are not moving! Let's vote right now. Who votes no?
- No! - Me!
Ha! That's three to two. You lose! That's democracy in action, Jackson.
Well, guess what? You don't get a vote!
You're the kids and we're the adults.
You're gonna move wherever we tell you to move.
Case closed. Wait in the car!
So the parking. Is it side-by-side, or tandem?
Well, we're down to ice cube trays and my inflatable foot bath.
See? And you said you'd never use that thing.
So, what do you think? I mean, about the apartment?
I don't know. I liked it more than I thought I would.
Coming home to this makes it look even better.
Yeah. I don't know.
I mean, I know I was pushing it...
but the kids were freaking out. Can we really do this to them?
Frankie, it's our call. The kids will adjust.
Like you screamed this afternoon, they don't get a vote.
So you really think we could do this?
- Are we gonna do this? - I don't know.
It's cheaper than what we pay now. Be nice to have some extra cash.
Yeah. If we ever wanna take a trip to Europe, or the grocery store...
But this is our house. We've been here almost 20 years.
Yep. A hard 20.
I don't know.
I just wish we knew for sure what's the right thing to do.
Yeah.
Let's clean this up and wait for a sign.
So while we were trying to figure out the right thing to do...
Sue and Brad were ramming the right thing down their classmates' throats.
People around you who totally care
They'd be super bummed if you're not there
So listen up
Get the 41 1 Texting and driving
Is like a loaded gun
Live clean!
You suck!
So the next day Mike went up to patch the roof.
One last Band-Aid on the old girl before moving on to Hickory Farms.
I mean Arms. They really should change that name. But then...
Hey, Mike! What are you doing up there? You getting satellite TV?
No. Just patching another leak.
I got a bunch of shingles left over from when I did my roof.
They're yours if you want them.
That's great.
Hey.
You guys wanna borrow my nail gun?
You see, what we'd forgotten is that we're part of a neighborhood.
And the more our neighbors showed up to help us...
the more Hickory Arms became a distant memory.
And the great thing about neighbors is, they'll tell you things.
All kinds of things.
Hoosier game? Sean didn't have tickets to a Hoosier game.
How was the surprise party?
It wasn't a surprise.
I am so sorry for your loss.
What loss?
Your Aunt Betty died.
Betty? Who?
The reason he couldn't take the Spanish test.
Okay, wait. Schmula?
That day we got three-quarters of a new roof...
grounded Axl indefinitely, and had a second block party.
Because it's not just about the house, or the street...
it's the people. And that's worth staying for.
There is a tide in the affairs of men Which, taken at the flood
Leads on to fortune
On such a full sea are we now afloat
And we must take the current when it serve...
Hey, Brick, stop bothering the neighbors and get over here.