Sue! Get out of my shower.
I'm not gonna wait. I gotta get to work.
Can't. Axl's hogging up our bathroom and I wanna look good today.
Carly and I are gonna try to start a flash mob in the cafeteria.
Ooh, someone's gonna sell a car today.
Ha. How about you put some of that hilarious energy into making lunches?
The dishwasher's getting worse. I think it's actually putting food on.
Uh, Mom, how long have you known about this?
I don't know that. Why aren't you dressed?
It's some kind of catalog called Chow Down Chicago...
where you can order food and they'll deliver it to you.
From Chicago. Can I have it?
Sure, whatever, knock yourself out. Just get dressed.
- Thank you. - What did he get?
What did you just give him?
- A stupid old catalog. - I want an old catalog.
Axl, what is the matter with you?
We do not put shoes where we serve food.
Hey, whoa, watch the hat.
I've been working this hat to arrive at the optimum level of awesomeness.
The shape of the brim, the degree of fadeage.
Look, it gives me the perfect amount of skull room.
Yeah, that's a waste of space.
Oh, my God. Let me see that.
Pam Staggs is gonna be on Wheel of Fortune.
- Hmm. - How'd she get on the Wheel?
She moved to St. Louis. Do you think she went to Hollywood...
or did the Wheel come to St. Louis? They do that.
How'd Pam Staggs, I went to high school with, get on the Wheel?
I'd like to solve the puzzle. Who cares?
It's the Wheel, Mike. She could win a fortune in cash and prizes.
Wow, Pam Staggs.
She was a cheerleader. Always carried a LeSportsac.
She had "Pong" before anybody.
Ah, "Pong."
Okay, everybody, listen up. Tonight I'm rushing home...
and between 7:30 and 8:00 that TV is mine.
Don't even think about watching my TV.
Here. I gotta take a shower.
If I'm gonna sneak out an hour early, I can't be more than an hour late.
Holy crap.
Pam-Freaking-Staggs is on the Wheel.
Hey there, Frances.
Oh, ha, I was just getting ready to head out. I have something I need to...
Let me ask you something, Frances. Say you're me...
your wife is asking to go out to dinner with your brother-in-law...
you can't stand. You work hard.
Well, not you, Frances, I mean me, in the story.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Let me give you the back-story on this guy.
About 10 years ago...
TV's mine. Tell me I didn't miss it. Tell me I didn't miss it.
Mom, do we want our Wrigley Field popcorn bonanza...
filled with caramel corn or spicy ranchero?
Shh. No food talk now, Brick, okay?
I'm starving, I'm dirty and I wanna watch the Wheel.
I'm gonna have to call you back, Carol.
Ahh! Yes. Food. Mm.
Oh.
Seriously? I just bought this yesterday. I just bought this yesterday.
- Mom. - Shh! She's about to solve the puzzle.
Oh, my God. Did you just eat that?
Relax, there's hardly any left.
- When I buy the good snacks... - Axl clipped his toenails in there.
The chip bag. Axl clipped his toenails in the chip bag.
You just ate Axl's toenails.
I just what?
Oh, God! Animal!
What happened? What's going on?
Mom ate Axl's toenails.
What is wrong with you people? Damn it, Axl!
What?
- Mom ate your toenails. - Ha. Seriously?
You clipped your toenails into a chip bag?
Who does that? What the hell's the matter with you?
You yell when I leave them on the table. Yell when I leave them in a chip bag.
- There's no pleasing you. - What's going on?
Mom's wigging out because she ate my toenails.
What?
Axl clipped toenails into a chip bag, Mom ate them.
- Stop saying it out loud. - What? Axl, you what?
It's your fault, Axl.
Why'd you even clip your toenails into a chip bag?
I'm not the one on trial here. Why don't you ask Mom why she ate them?
- Yeah, that's a good question. - Oh, I don't know.
Maybe my life was going too well and I wanted to feel a little less human.
Ugh! I can still taste them on my tongue.
You know what might get the taste out? Chicago blueberry cheesecake.
I don't wanna hear it.
All right, everybody calm down. Axl, apologize to your mother.
Why should I apologize to her?
She ate my toenails one time. We eat her cooking every day.
I'm not laughing. This isn't funny.
Pam Staggs, you just won a million dollars.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! A million?
Okay.
I'm leaving.
What? Dad.
- Come on. - You heard me. Out of my way.
- I'm leaving. - Mom.
Come on, where you gonna go?
Anywhere but here, for sure.
Stop it. Come on. What are you doing?
Everybody's sorry. Very, very sorry.
Good to hear. Still going.
You know, I don't know where I'm going, but I will tell you this.
There are gonna be some major changes around here. Major changes.
- Frankie. - Major changes.
Oh, my God. Mom left.
She left. What just happened here?
Mom ate some toenails and took off. Who knows what her problem is?
Can she do that? Dad, is she allowed to do that?
Look, your mom's had an experience. She's obviously feeling something...
and she probably just needs to cool off a little.
We're gonna let her go?
Oh, my God, why are we just standing here?
We need to go find her and bring her back.
Mom's gone. She's gone. Our mother is gone!
She's not gone. She's only got 12 bucks in her purse. She can't get very far.
- Actually 10. - Eight.
Six fifty.
I want her back.
I don't wanna be a broken home.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
I think she took my hat.
- Axl. - No, this is really bad.
When she was stuffing things in her bag, she got my hat in there by accident.
We've to go find it. What if she puts it on her head and stretches it?
No, what you gotta do...
is take some time to think about what we did as a family that caused this.
Your mom said, "Major changes."
Go to your room and figure out what kind of major changes...
you all need to make. And I'm gonna do the same.
Do you think she's ever gonna come back?
I don't know, Brick.
I was thinking maybe we can get the family sausage pack now.
It's only for four, but now with an even number...
Brick, shut up about your catalog and think about my hat.
Shut up about your stupid hat and your catalog and think about Mom.
Did you notice any strange behavior before this? Did Mom seem unhappy?
She's a mom. I don't pay attention to her.
Well, then maybe that's the problem.
Maybe we don't pay enough attention to her.
Did she seem especially angry lately?
No, just her regular amount of angry.
Well, then what is it?
Dad said it's up to us to figure this out.
This is hard. I've never thought of Mom as a person before.
All by myself
Don't wanna be all by myself
Well, we've been thinking and we've come up with some ideas...
you know, for changes and stuff.
Well, good, good. Yeah, I've been doing that too.
We think we might need to change her food.
You know, dietary needs do change as they get older.
She's not a dog.
Or maybe a multi-vitamin or something. She might need more iron.
That's it? That's what you came up with?
- That it's your mom's fault. - No. Ahem. We do have another theory.
How are things going in the boudoir, Dad?
You getting the job done in there?
Wow, the old man moves pretty fast.
So after three hours, I ended up back where I started. Home.
Mom.
- Need changes everywhere. - I know. I know.
Don't you see? This is everything.
My life is forever going to be defined as before toenail and after.
BT and AT, baby.
How do you go on after something like this? What are you supposed to do?
- Well... - Well?
Ha! You're stumped. You don't have an answer.
Not like Pam. She had an answer.
She only had a P and a R, and she got "Pardon my French."
- She's got a million dollars and I get... - Wait, what? Who has a million dollars?
Pam, Mom! Pam Staggs!
Pam Staggs was on the Wheel?
Well, she was always so bubbly. They just like that type on the show.
Is that good?
I mean, she wasn't even that smart, right?
She was just pretty.
And now she's smart and pretty, and she's driving a new Ford Fiesta...
and I'm bellying up to the toenail buffet!
Oh, look at you...
little ballerina.
Think you're gonna be a prima ballerina in your little outfit, don't you?
But you're not. A piece of advice:
Don't even bother growing in those two front teeth...
because someday in your future...
you're just gonna use them to eat toenails.
Okay, that's enough wine for you tonight. Let's get you off to bed.
What about you in the duck boat? You think you're so...
That's your sister. Let's leave her out of this.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know the garlic bread still had plastic on.
It's okay. Not your fault. Nobody ever taught you.
Why were you frying garlic bread anyway?
I don't know, okay, Axl. I thought I saw Mom do it once.
I just miss Mom so much.
Okay, this may be controversial, but I'm gonna say it.
I like it better with Mom not here.
Ahh! Axl, you take that back.
- You take that back right now! - Uh-uh.
Dad, if you're willing to spring on extra postage...
we can have the Mike Ditka Rib Trio here by tomorrow at 5.
I literally just need a credit card number.
- Hello? - Hi, it's me.
Hey, how things going there?
Thought I might've heard from you earlier.
I just woke up.
We're not ordering from catalog. I'll make food and it'll be delicious.
- Is that Mom? Ask her about my hat. - So how's it going there?
Good, good.
The kids are pretty fixed, so come home whenever you want.
Read the label on the box.
So when you heading home?
- I'm not sure. - What do you mean you're not sure?
Mike, I...
- I just need a minute. - A minute?
You've been gone 23 hours. A lot of minutes.
Listen, Frankie...
the longer you stay away, the harder it's gonna be to come back.
So just get in the car and come home.
I don't want you making the trip when dark by yourself.
Mike, it's not just toenails, it's my whole life.
I just need to reevaluate.
Okay.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Was that Mom? Is she on her way home?
Not yet.
- Well, when is she coming home? - I don't know.
So, uh, what's going on between you two, you know, hat-wise?
Oh, my God, she's not coming home ever, is she?
We blew it. Yeah, we had a mom and we blew it.
Stop it, Sue. Your mom's coming back.
I just love Mom so much.
I know at my age I'm not supposed to.
My friends complain about their moms...
so I lie and tell them I'm having troubles too. But I don't.
I love her more than ever.
This is weird.
They won't deliver to Nevada.
It's okay, because we're not in Nevada...
but what do they have against Nevada?
You wanna know what drove Mom away? It was you.
You get obsessed with something no one else cares about...
and then you go on and on about it, and Mom couldn't take it anymore.
So that's why she left. She left because of you!
And I've only had my period for a month. I need my mom!
Nice work, Sue.
- Where you going? - I'm gonna get your mom back.
- Dad ask her... - I'm not asking about the hat, Axl.
- Brick? - Don't worry, Sue.
You won't have to hear me go on and on anymore.
I threw the catalog out.
I'm lying.
Brick, I didn't mean it.
It's not your fault Mom left.
No, you're right. I drone.
Mom's always pretending she's interested, not like Dad.
It was probably my fault.
I'm the one who used her shower yesterday.
That could've tipped her over the edge.
But that's because Axl was hogging up our bathroom.
You're right.
And let's not forget, they were Axl's toenails Mom ate.
Axl, it was you. It's all your fault Mom left.
You're selfish, snarky and you only think of yourself. Mom was probably sick of it.
You're an embarrassing dork-cheese.
Think Mom wants to be associated with that?
You never empty the dishwasher no matter how many times Mom asks.
You never put the dishes in it.
Besides, you don't do the laundry like she asks.
I don't know how to work it.
Don't pick on Sue. You never take the garbage.
You don't do any chores. You're always just freakishly reading.
That's true, Brick, and you wander off at the mall and scare Mom half to death.
Well, at least I don't have braces costing Mom millions of dollars.
I have an overbite crossbite!
You don't tell Mom you've assignment till the night before.
- You don't fill up the ice cube tray. - You lick things that aren't food.
- You don't tell Mom you love her. - None of us do that.
Maybe it's all of our fault.
Oh, God. Brick's right.
We do need to make major changes.
Yeah, but what?
Maybe we could pick up our dirty clothes off the floor?
Yeah, like put them in the laundry or something?
I know Mom hates to dust. If we dusted that probably make her really happy.
- We could even clean our bathroom. - Yeah.
On the other hand what if dirty clothes isn't her problem?
What do you mean?
What if we did the laundry and that's not what's bothering her?
That's true. We don't wanna do extra stuff.
Or we don't clean the bathroom the way she likes, that could set her off.
And we know she's already unstable.
It could cause her to take off again.
If she really wanted us to make changes...
she should have told us what they were. We're not mind readers.
Yeah, when you think about it, it's sort of her fault.
So it's decided? We do nothing?
- Yeah. - It's the only thing we could do.
Oh, you're still in my pajamas?
- It's okay if I stay another day? - Of course, honey.
You are welcome to stay as long as you need to.
But I do have bridge club on Tuesday.
Thanks, Mom.
I just don't think I'm ready to go home yet.
Frankie, you don't really think your life is so bad, do you?
No. It's good.
I know I should be grateful.
Good husband, healthy kids, blah, blah, blah.
Because I know Pam Staggs seems like she has it all...
but no one has it perfect, Frankie.
Every mom has that moment where she wants to get in the car...
drive to Kentucky...
check into the Holiday Inn with a bottle of Peppermint Schnapps...
and watch all the Smokey and the Bandits in one night.
Mom, really?
And you know what?
Halfway through Smokey 3, I got sick of Burt Reynolds...
I missed my family and I knew it was time to go home.
Oh, honey...
it's just hard because right now you're in the middle of it.
If I could go back in time, you know what I would do?
- What? - I'd sniff the back of your little neck.
You always had the sweetest-smelling little neck.
I don't think I spent nearly enough time smelling the back of your neck.
- But then I'd get the hell out of there. - Mom.
Well, it's true. Raising kids is hard.
Look, Frankie, here's the deal.
You're gonna have lots of toenail moments.
Lots and lots of them.
But you're gonna end up having more good moments than toenail moments.
- I promise you. - Okay.
And your kids are gonna grow up and your life is gonna get easier...
and they're gonna come and stay with you...
and bother you just once every so often.
Oh, God, honey, you gotta take a shower.
Sorry.
Oh, look who's here.
Your knight in shining armor has come all this way to get you.
Really?
Oh, well.
Are you kidding me?
You honk?
You won't even get out of your car to come to the door and get me?
I drove 120 miles.
Now go grab your baggie and get in the car.
You haven't been through it, Mike. You're a non-toenail eater.
You think other people don't go through stuff like that?
When I lent Axl my car for prom...
the next day I sat in his friend's vomit.
I didn't even tell you about that.
But did I freak out and leave my family? No.
I hosed it down and got on with my life.
Because that's what you do, Frankie. You power through.
I just need a minute to think.
No. No more time to think.
You start to think, the whole thing unravels. Get in the car.
See? This is my life.
My husband won't even come to the door to get me.
I bet Pam Staggs' husband wouldn't honk.
Pam Staggs' husband would come to the door and he'd...
Oh, my God, you're still talking about Pam Staggs?
Who cares about Pam Staggs?
You're a thousand times prettier than she is.
I'll get my stuff.
Yeah?
Okay.
Sweet!
Yeah, that was Dad.
He and Mom and my hat are on their way home.
Oh, my God. What major changes can we make in 30 minutes?
- I'll get the clothes. - I'll do the dishes.
If Mom comes home and sees this, she's gonna leave again.
- I don't know where any of this goes. - Brick, throw it in the backyard.
What is this? Another catalog?
- Brick! - Brick!
Wow, look at this place.
Mom, we are so sorry. We missed you so much.
- Sue made a terrible mom. - Thank God you're back.
I'll never take you for granted again.
Wow, I mean, is this my house or the Fairfield Suites?
Oh, you guys must've worked really hard to get it looking like this.
I'm proud of you, kids.
Very, very proud.
After that night, there were changes.
Oh. Not major changes but minor ones.
Mom, I just want you to know I took my shower early...
so I wouldn't bother you.
Oh, and this fell off.
So if we order two of the floating beverage book holders...
they're actually cheaper.
It's a catalog called Hammacher Schlemmer.
Hammacher Schlemmer.
But that's okay.
Because apparently, I'm gonna miss all this crap one day.