Ahh. The first day of school.
The moment every parent dreams of:
freedom.
But this year turned out a little different.
Oh, do you have to go back to school?
I already miss you guys.
We miss you too.
I love you so much.
I love you, Mom.
- Dad. - Son.
I wish I could go to the same school as you guys.
Us too, Brick. Us too.
Mike, call me as soon as you get to work.
- I will call you from the car. - We'll call you too.
I'll call everyone from the phone in the school library.
Wait. Family hug.
I know what you're thinking.
This can't possibly be my family, but it is.
So how did we get this way?
Huh. Where do I start?
You know how in summer, everyone takes those magical family trips?
Hi.
We're back from Disney World.
We took in their mail.
Here you go.
Really appreciate your hospitality, Mrs. Heck.
Here's a little something for you.
Souvenir magnet. Thank you.
Love it.
Hi.
We're back from the Dells.
Here's your mail.
Thanks a bunch, Frankie.
Oh. And we got something for you too.
Oh, and it's shaped like a little tiny cheese.
Because they have cheese in Wisconsin. Heh, heh, heh. That's cute.
- Greetings from the Bahamas... - Here.
Oh, hang on.
It had a couple babies, but don't worry. It ate them.
Wow.
We suck, Mike.
I ain't gonna argue. We got any more mayo?
Seriously, look at all the great places everybody went this summer.
What did we do? Squat.
With everybody gone, we had the run of the neighborhood.
Left the garbage cans out for weeks, washed the car in my pajamas.
You can't buy that kind of experience.
You should've seen them, Mike. Just so happy and close and sun-kissed.
What about us? We barely even saw our kids.
I know. Kind of a perfect summer, wasn't it?
No, but shouldn't we wanna see them?
I mean, isn't it our obligation to make memories for them...
you know, while there's still time? I mean, think about it.
Sue's starting high school.
Axl's gonna be a junior. A few more years, the kids will be gone.
- Don't jinx it. - No, I'm serious, Mike.
Before long, we're gonna be living in an empty house.
Keep talking, I might put this sandwich down and pick you up.
Okay, fine.
Joke all you want, but name three times that you've seen the kids since May.
And not just in the house. I'll even count around town.
The more Mike thought about it, the more he realized I was right.
Thanks to his lifeguard job...
the only evidence of Axl even existing in our house anymore...
was a pile of wet towels and dirty clothes.
Chlorine.
Red Bull.
A hint of BO.
I think he was here Wednesday.
Nope, he was way too busy enjoying his newfound superpower.
You. In the yellow two-piece.
Over here.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Your shoulders get red.
You're gonna have to stay in the shade next to me.
Purple top, green bottom, bring it over.
I saw you had a popsicle. You know the rule about eating and swimming.
I'm gonna need your number so I can call you to make sure that you're okay.
And also send your friend over.
She looks like she was about to run.
Meanwhile, Brick was enjoying a few joys of summer of his own.
Shh.
And Sue spent her summer with Carly, camped out at the mall.
Oh, my God.
That cute boy at Hot Dog America is totally looking over here.
- Really? - Wait. Don't look.
Okay, now look. Wait, don't.
Okay, now.
He saw us looking.
Which do you like better, yellow mustard or brown mustard?
- Which do you like? - I asked you first.
I know what one I like.
Okay, on three. One, two...
- Brown. - Yellow.
Okay, Mike. You might not have missed the kids, but I have.
I don't want the only magnet we have for ourselves...
to be from Orson Gutter and Septic.
Well, in case you didn't notice, those magnets are holding up our unpaid bills.
We just have to be creative, then. Come on, think.
Something quick and cheap that we can look back on when we're old and alone...
and say, "Remember that thing we did with those kids we used to have?"
Well, you want quick and cheap, I got quick and cheap for you.
Oh, no.
- Don't say it. - I'm gonna say it.
- Don't say it. - I'm saying it. Camping.
There. I said it.
- Really? - Yep.
Camping. You're really gonna go there?
- Think carefully. - I said it, didn't I?
The last time I went camping with you was literally the worst night of my life.
The worst. Worst.
Come on. Our honeymoon was 19 years ago.
Yeah, and you know exactly how horrible it was.
Wasn't that bad.
It practically killed our marriage out of the gate.
I swore after that night, I would never go back in the woods with you again.
Hey, you want a vacation or not?
You know what? I think this was your plan all along.
Yeah, this was my master plan:
Stay poor for 19 years so we can go camping again.
So after five hours driving around town hunting down all our kids...
we finally had them all in one place to break the good news.
Now, we know your friends all had fun this summer...
going on these great family vacations...
and you were thinking, "We didn't do anything."
Me and Dad wanted to spend some time with you before school starts...
so guess what.
We're gonna take a family vacation of our own.
- No. - It's my last weekend as a lifeguard.
After this, chicks cover up and get fat for winter.
The librarian was gonna let me re-shelve Etruscan literature.
They don't let civilians do that.
But I start high school on Monday. High school.
And I'm not remotely ready. I haven't finished decorating my binder.
Please, please, don't make me go.
You can't do this.
You can't just spring a vacation on us.
You don't even know what we're doing.
- What are we doing? - We're going camping.
No!
Yeah. It was your dad's idea.
- Dad. - Why are you punishing us?
Hey, I was perfectly happy not seeing you kids all summer.
- This is your mom's thing. - Mom!
Can't we at least do something inside that has a TV and isn't gross?
Any motel we can afford is gonna have more bugs than the woods.
Just get onboard with camping.
Guys, camping was not my first choice either by a long shot.
But here's an idea.
Maybe we just don't use that word.
Let's not think of it as camping.
Let's think of it as outdoor family fun.
But we don't wanna go.
Fine. Forced family fun.
You're dragging us into the woods against our will. That's kidnapping.
If we were gonna kidnap some kids, you'd be far down the list.
It's just for two days.
Hey, wanna go for three?
So with lowered expectations and a vague sense of dread...
we packed up the station wagon and hit the road.
And this time, I'm proud to say I finally remembered to bring the blue snack bag.
All the way to the car.
You forgot the blue bag?
You think I'm happy about this?
I had wine coolers and a frozen Snickers in there.
You see that poplar grove there?
That is one of the oldest in the state of Indiana.
It says here the tulip poplar or Liriodendron tulipfera...
grows to 70 feet and has beautiful flowers.
I know. I just saw a bunch of them right over there.
Axl, I need to know.
What do people do in study hall? How do you work the combination lock?
Where do people eat? Can I eat Goldfish or is that considered a kid snack?
Should I try to find a snack that is more mature?
Shh. I'm sleeping.
I need to know this stuff, Axl.
I'm starting high school. I don't wanna look like a dork.
Wait. What's this?
It's a message from that ship.
Darn it. It already sailed.
Mom, did you hear that? Did you hear what he just said?
I could say I did, but honestly, I wasn't listening.
I'm smelling something really rank. Do you smell that?
Fine, Axl. Who needs you anyway?
I'm sure everything I need to know is in my freshman handbook.
Oh, no. I forgot my freshman handbook.
Dad, we have to turn around right now. We have to go back.
An idea I can get behind.
Get behind the idea of not being a smart-ass?
- Are you talking to me? - That's for the whole backseat.
According to my book, we should be passing by a log cabin...
that Abraham Lincoln spent the night at during his run for presidency.
- Let's keep our eyes peeled. - That's okay. They have a picture.
Axl, we need to talk about the cafeteria. In high school, do we call it "the caf"?
When Hannah Montana went to high school, they called it "caf."
Sue, keep talking, but if I threw you out of the car, I'd be tried as a juvenile.
- One lunch period cooler than the other? - Whatever one you're not in.
- Which one are you in? - Aah! Why are you asking me that?
Why is she asking me that?
We're going to the same school...
and I might need to go up to your table at lunch and ask you something.
Okay. That's it. If you are insisting on going to school with me...
we are setting some ground rules right now.
No looking at me, no talking to me, no acknowledging me in any way.
If an emergency happens, like Mom or Dad dies or something...
relay the message to Sean and he will let me know.
And I will see you at the funeral.
- Have I made myself clear? - But what if I...?
Or if I...? But what if there's an emergency...
and someone puts a bomb in my backpack and I might need...?
Stop it, stop it.
How about we all sing a fun, family traveling song?
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall Ninety-nine bottles of beer
Take one down, pass it around Ninety-eight...
Really? You're all just so busy?
Ugh. Now I'm starting to smell something too.
Yeah. I'm getting it now.
Axl's not wearing shoes.
- Oh. Gross, Axl. - Axl, put your shoes on.
Can't. I forgot them.
- What? - Are you kidding?
You forgot shoes?
How does a person forget shoes?
How does a person forget a snack bag?
The shoes I'm not wearing are on the other foot.
We can't stop, genius. We're in the middle of nowhere.
Relax. I don't need them. I've been barefoot all summer.
My feet are practically shoes now anyway. Check out these leathery dogs.
- Ew! - Ew!
Axl. Come on.
Oh, my God. If you can't handle this, what are you taking us camping for?
It'll be like going on vacation on the bottom of my foot.
I don't wanna hear any more complaints. Camping is gonna be great.
Okay, you can't judge camping from our honeymoon, Frankie.
This is a whole new thing.
You went camping on your honeymoon?
Dad, did you really take Mom camping?
Is that why she never talks about it?
It was a perfectly valid honeymoon choice...
and, by the way, she was onboard with it in the beginning.
You gonna tell me where you're taking me on our honeymoon?
Oh, now that's a surprise, Mrs. Heck.
"Mrs. Heck." Ha, ha.
I'm Mrs. Heck. I'm a wife.
I'm a wife.
And someday I'm gonna be a mom and you're gonna be a dad...
and our kids will be in the backseat.
That'll be fun, don't you think? Us driving around with our two kids?
We are gonna have awesome kids.
Oh, so where are you gonna take me?
- You want me to blow the surprise? - I really do.
Well, Mrs. Heck, I am taking you camping.
Oh, wow, camping.
- You're disappointed. - No.
No. Are you kidding?
Look, in 10 or 20 years from now, when we got tons of money...
we're gonna go on vacation anywhere we want...
but you are gonna love this. Trust me.
- Yeah? - It's the greatest thing in the world.
The stars, the quiet.
And you're gonna like me camping. I got some camping moves.
- Get your stinking feet out of my face. - They're not...
They're not touching you. They're not touching you. Ow.
- So was it? - What, Brick? Was "what" what?
Your honeymoon, was it romantic?
Did you guys have fun?
Sure.
Okay, guys. This is the good stuff from before government regulations...
so shut your eyes.
Go on through.
Aah! It burns my throat.
Did I not say to shut your head holes?
All right, come on back through for the sunscreen.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Way to go, Mom and Dad.
Thanks for bringing us to the jaggedy-est campsite ever.
- What is that? - What?
You said to get water.
From the vending machine, Axl. Why do you think I gave you 2 bucks?
I thought you were paying me, but now I see I'm just your slave.
Yes, master.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
Wait, Axl, before you go, there's not some special high school ruled paper?
There's college ruled, but I didn't see any high school ruled.
- Is there high school ruled? - Here's the thing.
They don't care that much about paper...
but for some reason they are crazy-strict about erasers.
- They are? - There's this one they want you to have.
It's pink on one side, gray on the other and they're really obsessed about it.
This one kid last year tried to use the wrong eraser and got expelled.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Now, he lives in an abandoned sewer pipe and for dinner, all he eats is...
Sue's an idiot. Pbbt.
Oh, ha, ha, Axl. You are hilariously funny.
So do I need a special eraser or not?
Come on, Brick. Book down. We're hitting the lake.
No. No finger.
Come on.
Let's go.
- How long will this take? - I don't know, Brick.
It's really up to the fish.
- Why do I have to go? - Because we're camping.
It's a beautiful day and I said so.
Was it a beautiful day on your bad honeymoon?
Bad? Pfft.
No one said it was bad.
- Rain's kind of romantic, isn't it? - Uh-huh.
Might wanna put down that metal pole.
You can get electrocuted pretty bad.
Oh, so it rained on your honeymoon?
So that's why it was so bad?
Yeah, bad, rainy honeymoon. That's it.
- Anyway... - Mom.
Jeez, what are you, a cop or something? I said, that's it.
I actually wanted to talk to you about something else.
You may not be aware because I've been playing it pretty cool...
but I'm sort of nervous about starting high school.
Oh, honey.
Everybody's nervous.
- But you have Carly, so... - But that's just it.
Carly got this boyfriend, so she's going into high school practically an adult...
and the only adult experience I have was the time I filled out Cosmo sex quiz.
I didn't know the answers. I didn't understand the questions.
- I just filled in all B's and C's. - It's okay.
Look, I know you may feel worried, but I'm not worried about you.
I think you're gonna do great in high school.
Really?
How great?
I think you will do as great as you always do.
But I just get the feeling it's gonna be a lot different.
I mean, high school kids are a lot more mature.
Ow, ow, ow. Ow.
Bleeding. Definitely bleeding. Help.
Ow, ow, ow.
Pretty great, huh?
You get why... Oh, for the love of God, are you reading again?
I thought we left the book back at the campsite. We're not here to read.
We're here to spend time together and enjoy the lake.
Oh, you wanna know about the lake.
It says the lake is 200 feet at its deepest point and fed by eight streams.
Really? What color is it?
Print's a little fuzzy. Maybe...
Gray or...
Oh.
Actually, it's more blue.
- Hmm. - And silvery.
They should take a better picture of that, put it in a book so people can enjoy it.
Brick, you just did enjoy it, and you know why?
Because you looked at it.
You gotta look at the lake and the trees, the whole deal, or you're missing out.
Yeah. I think I'm just more of a book person.
I don't know what to tell you, then. Think of the trees as pre-books.
You know all the people that wrote these books?
- Authors. - Yeah, I know what they're called, Brick.
Point is, they had to actually do something...
to have something to write about, to experience stuff around them.
Nobody wrote about reading a book.
Actually, they did.
The NeverEnding Story, which was first published in German...
under the title Die unendliche Geschichte.
Here.
Now what?
Well, now, nothing.
Now we sit and we wait.
That's the beauty.
Lot of people don't understand the beauty of quiet.
Lot of people right in our house.
It's a lot like standing in line at the grocery store, only holding a stick.
Yeah, I guess it is.
Hmm.
Yep.
Whoa.
What is happening? What is that? M pole is all bendy.
You got one.
Really? I did?
- I read about this. - Yeah.
Reel it in. No, no, no. The other way. Okay, yeah. That's fine.
Leave a little slack or you'll lose him.
There you go. You got it.
Here you go.
Yes. Come here.
You got him. Nice going.
Wow, a fish.
- Is this how fish sticks start out? - Well, not the ones we can afford.
Hey, hey.
Guess who caught his first fish.
Wow, Brick.
Good going.
Yep. Brick kept an open mind and now he really gets camping. Don't you?
I caught two and Dad caught six and then we both peed in the bushes.
Can we invite the people in the Winnebago with the TV...
- to have dinner with us? - No, Brick, this is just for us.
Oh, sure.
So now you wanna keep it to just us. Hm.
Well...
The ground's still kind of wet, but our honeymoon suite is all set.
Ready to carry me over the flap?
Oh, I've been ready all day.
What's that?
I don't know.
Hey.
Hello?
Who's there?
Hello?
Anybody?
Hey.
I know you.